


Yet Another Harry Potter Movie Parody: Film 8

by iheartmwpp



Series: Yet Another Harry Potter Movie Parody [8]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor, I Swear A Lot, Parody, References To Things No One Knows, Screenplay/Script Format, This Was Actually Really Hard You Guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-19
Updated: 2013-10-19
Packaged: 2017-12-29 21:05:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 44,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1010093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmwpp/pseuds/iheartmwpp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because all the cool kids are doing it. Contains Neville's transition into the world's most powerful wizard alive, Voldemort being really REALLY dumb in numerous ways, and apparently Remus had a kid or something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Teh WAY TO BLAME THE TORTURE VICTIM, DICK-PENIS

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from the book/movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other book, movie, or game in the series, Tobuscus’s Literal Trailers, Pokémon ‘Bridged, Dragonball Z Abrdged, Nullmetal Alchemist, or a slutty black dress.

~Introductory helicopter nature shooooot…~

Filmmakers: *big announcer voice* LAST TIME, ON HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS…A flock of angry Spearows nearly killed our heroes.

Harry: That didn’t happen. I don’t remember that at all.

Ron: I don’t remember it either.

Hermione: Me either.

Harry: See? None of us remember it; therefore, it never happened.

Big Lego block thing: Still just here as kind of a shitty decoration thing.

Voldemort: I guffaw at you, sir.

Dumbledore’s dead corpse: Well that’s not very nice.

Elder wand: These quick random fade outs are kind of weird. Also stop fondling me.

Voldemort: No.

Elder wand: I NEED AN ADULT.

Voldemort: I AM AN ADULT! *shoots lightning in the air; this is all basically from the end of the last movie, which the vast majority of us had just stopped watching fifteen seconds ago before popping in this one* Huh. That’s…That’s weird. The distinct lack of dramatic awesometastic music makes this feel decidedly less badass. I HAVE SUMMONED THE WB LOGO.

Warner Brothers logo: Very good. Have a cookie.

Lily’s theme: *sung by a Japanese woman named Mai. And it is teh pretteh*

Dementors: We’ve just got rags hanging off our arms now. Hey, remember in the books where our whole design revolved around us wearing cloaks? Us either.

Hogwarts: Still in the movies, bitches!

Snape: Huh, Lily’s Theme seems to play almost every time I’m onscreen. I wonder if that means anything… *camera angle shifts* HOW DID I GET UP HERE.

Students: WE ARE MARCHING. And presumably surrounded by Death Eaters. Which kinda sucks.

Book readers: …Why were all the kids out in the courtyard like that? Pretty sure Care of Magical Creatures is beyond the other courtyard/bridge/direction thing. Or were they just forcing the kids to get some fresh air or something? OR, were the kids coming back from winter break at that point? If so, what, did they just not take anything home with them, was their luggage sent ahead to the castle, WHAT’S GOING ON WHERE AM I HOW THE CRAP DID THEY MANAGE TO PUT HOGWARTS BACK TOGETHER AFTER THE BATTLE WAS OVER.

Snape: *looks slightly stoned; shakes himself awake* I need to stay out of Dumbledore’s stash.

iheartmwpp: And then Snape fell off. The end.

~The final title card of the franchise fades in, accompanying a crescendo in the music that seems to want us to just start crying now and get it over with in preparation for the rest of the sadness.~

Filmmakers: Hey guys, remember that time Dobby died? Sigh, good times, good times…

Audience: MERLIN’S AK-47 PLEASE MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY.

Harry: Still looking at the mirror shard.

Aberforth: I’m watching you.

Harry: …That’s absurdly creepy. Also I think this was meant to be placed right before we leave for Gringotts considering the deleted scene that has me talking with Luna and Ron that appears to take place right after I put this rock on Dobby’s grave.

Ron: Meanwhile, we’re inside and sitting at the table and junk. Hey Hermione, recovered from the torture yet?

Hermione: Evidently, especially given that it could’ve already been the month or whatever since we arrived here. Or something.

Ron: Hey, remember that one time Lupin came over and told us about his newborn son and made Harry godfather?

Hermione: NOPE!

Ron: ME NEITHER! A-HYUCK!

Harry: WHY DO WE NEVER ACTUALLY GET TO SEE ANYTHING AWESOME. THE BABY WOULD’VE GIVEN ME HOPE THAT LIFE STILL GOES ON AND A REASON TO TRY AND MAKE IT OUT OF THIS WAR ALIVE AND SHIT.

Luna: I like how this place is literally covered in shells, it’s quite nice. *plays with wind chime*

EVERYONE EVER: LUNA GETS THE FIRST LINE IN THE MOVIE. SHE IS THAT BADASS. DO NOT MESS WITH HER. EVER.

Luna: Thanks for letting us stay—

Bill: MY CABIN!

Luna: …

Harry: …

Hermione: …

Ron and Fleur: It’s fine. He does that.

Bill: So it was our aunt’s. Whether we mean Muriel or not is up for debate, though I really can’t see her staying in a cozy little house like this. Check it out, the roof and walls and stuff over here is literally made of glass, this is awesome.

Fleur: I AM COMPLETELY ESSENTIAL TO THIS SCENE. LOOK AT ME, BEING ALL ESSENTIAL LIKE THIS. DAMN I’M AWESOME.

Bill: Oh, and while you guys were gone, the rest of the Order has been slowly picked off one by one, which is why most of the named ones will be here for the final battle and no one’s really died offpage recently except for Gornuk, Dirk Cresswell and Tonks’s dad.

Luna: Awesome. Also wind chimes are well known for their ability to summon Satan.

iheartmwpp: Shit, I have like three of those!

Harry: *comes over from…whatever he was doing in the doorway* I need to talk to the goblin.

Bill: He has a name, you know! Don’t be rude, I thought you were above all the stupid wizarding prejudices!

Griphook: Nice of the camera to Apparate in like that. Also why has no one healed my cheek, you’d think it’d be an easy fix. Come on, now, who knows what was on that knife, I don’t want this to get infected!

Door: *opens*

Griphook: Oh, thanks for being polite and knocking first, guys, really appreciate it.

Bill: Yeah, you’d think I’d know to be more polite and how to act around a culture I’ve worked for for who knows how long, but you’d be wrong.

Harry: …Ron, you coming in or what?

Ron: Hang on a tic. Bill, GTFO.

Bill: *sniffs* Oh, they grow up so fast! *cries and leaves*

Griphook: My eyes are still closed.

Harry: HEY, HOW Y’ALL DOIN’ TONIGHT?!

Griphook: Well I was asleep. Twat waffle…

Harry: Sorry?

Griphook: Nothing, nothing.

Harry: …So you probably don’t remember, seeing as you were played by a different little person at the time and only voice over by Warwick Davis, but—

Griphook: I know that my character showed you to your vault in the first movie, as does every other book reader in the audience. What surprises me is that you, with your tiny human mind, were able to remember such a small detail. Your memory seems to be uncommonly good in this installment, period.

Hermione: I am now leaning against the bed.

Ron: Nice to know we’re not really needed for this scene.

Griphook: It shouldn’t surprise you to know that you’re famous amongst goblins since you already know that you’re famous even amongst centaurs and house-elves and the like.

Harry: I AM LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW.

Griphook: So…you stuffed the elf and made it into an elfcopter abomination thing, and you just bury it under the ground like a dog buries its bone when you’re not using it?

Harry: Basically, yeah.

Griphook: Would I have been forced to face such a horrible fate had the knife pierced me instead?

Harry: Probably not, I don’t really know you that well.

Griphook: …You terrify me.

Ron and Hermione: Join the club.

Harry: Hey, the elfcopter thing was Luna’s idea!

Ron: It really didn’t mean you had to help her stuff Dobby’s dead corpse with parsnips and toothbrushes.

Harry: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING!

Hermione: And now I am standing straight up with no support.

Griphook: *folds fingers together* How did you come by that plot point? *points at Sword of Gryffindor*

Harry: Pulled it out of a hat.

Hermione: And now my arms are crossed.

Harry: Why did Bellatrix freak out and cut your face, thinking it belonged to her when she’s a great dirty Slytherin and probably would never touch such a thing if given the choice?

Griphook: *mockingly* Because she pulled it out of a hat.

Harry: …The sword was put there by Severus Snape who’s been looking out for us this whole time, even thought there’s no real conceivable way that he would’ve found out where we were in this version. Or we could still go with the sword presenting itself to us in a moment of need, but that still doesn’t explain where the doe came from or why Snape knew that that was the moment that he’d have to cast it.

Griphook: …I’m confused.

Harry: As are we.

Griphook: There is a sword in Madam Lestrange’s vault that looks exactly like this one, but it’s made out of rubber for safety reasons. That one leaning up against the wall is the hero sword. It was placed there this past summer, presumably since the Ministry was beginning to be run by Death Eaters and they had gotten hold of Dumbledore’s will for the month they were able to hold onto it or whatever. Because fuck the subplot with Longbottom, Weasley, and Lovegood, no one wants that to be alluded to in any way.

Harry: And no one suspected that it was a prop even just by holding it?

Griphook: Humans are dumbasses, Death Eaters doubly so. Goblins, on the other hand, are the smart, and can tell even from a fair distance what’s real steel and what’s a cheap prop that was made in China.

Hermione: And now my hands are behind my back. Who was the acquaintance?

Ron: …What acquaintance?

Hermione: You know, the dude who put in the fake. Or the sword, whichever.

Griphook: I don’t believe I was talking to you.

Hermione: Just answer the fucking question.

Griphook: Evidently female goblins are repressed in our society, which is why there are only male goblins working at Gringotts; either that or we look so alike that a simple, feeble-minded wizard wouldn’t be able to tell the difference and I could be a female goblin for all you lot know. But if we’re going with the former, then I have no interest whatsoever in your opinion.

Ron: Okay, we’re gonna have issues.

Hermione: *rounds on him* I don’t need you to defend me!

Ron: You go beat him up, then! Seriously, we haven’t seen you do that since Malfoy, I say it’s time.

Griphook: Do they ever shut up?

Harry: Nope.

Griphook: Ugh. *rubs forehead* It was a Hogwarts professor, I think I heard some vague split second thing about him being headmaster on the WWN before forgetting about it in favor of more exciting camping montages.

Ron: Shut up, you…Wait, Snape did that?

Hermione: How did you find out, you were asleep when Harry heard that!

Ron: We were camping together for months, Harry probably ranted about it the next day when we were all awake. Still, that doesn’t make much sense for Snape to do that, though, unless he’s actually on our side even though I refuse to believe that despite the fact that the movies are still determined to shove that fact down our throats.

Harry: …The fact that we just found out that Snape was the one who put the fake sword into the vault implies that he might’ve had a hold on the real one. Hmm…

Griphook: There’s some fucked up shit in the vaults at Gringotts. You wizards disgust me time and time again.

Harry: We try. So what’s in Bellatrix’s vault?

Griphook: … *unfolds his fingers and leans back in his chair* …Stuff.

Harry: I WANNA BE INSIDE IT.

Griphook: …Fuck no.

Harry: Could ya help a brotha out?

Griphook: Fuck no. *folds fingers again*

Harry: I’ll pay ya!

Griphook: Fuck you.

Hermione: My arms are crossed again.

Ron: Would you just stand still?!

Hermione: No.

Harry: Is there anything you do want?

Griphook: …I would like the shiny sword thing.

Harry: … *stares at sword* …We need to use it to destroy the thingy we’re trying to steal, and then you can have it, deal?

Griphook: It might’ve been if you had shown any kind of intelligence whatsoever.

Harry: Bugger.

~Well that could’ve gone better.~

Bill: …So are we just sitting here or are we eating, or…?

Luna: Well I don’t know about you, but I’m getting rather annoyed by all these Prunglins chewing your table to bits.

Bill: …Those are crumbs from the pancakes we just had this morning. I’d forgotten what a messy eater Ron could be.

Luna: You want to stamp them out individually with your thumb, or they’ll take away the spirit of the furniture within hours.

Bill: …I’m beginning to question why my brother helped save you.

Hermione: *whispering* So you think there’s another Horcrux in Bellatrix’s vault?

Bill and Luna: What’s a Horcrux?

Hermione: Oh come on, I was whispering!

Bill: We’re technically in a Weasley household. Privacy is never permitted.

Ron: Shit, it’s been so long I’ve forgotten.

Harry: …How the fuck can nine people squeeze into this tiny house?

Ron: Magic. For the 864,531,514th time.

Hermione: …Can you just pretend you didn’t hear anything while still probably listening closely to every word?

Bill and Luna: But of course.

Hermione: Sweetness.

Harry: Well she was wetting herself with fear when she thought we’d been in there. She kept asking you what else we’d taken, do you remember that, Hermione?

Hermione: Yes thank you, Harry. *wraps her arms around herself, shivering and trying not to sink into a horrific PTSD flashback*

Ron: Why wouldn’t He-Who-Was-Desperate-To-Integrate-Himself-Into-The-Wizarding-World not have set up his own vault?

Harry: I don’t think he knew how, and he probably wouldn’t sink to asking something so low as a goblin for help on how to go about doing that. Anyway, I bet you anything there’s another Horcrux in there, another piece of his soul.

Ron: …We know what they are, we really don’t need a recap.

Hermione: And don’t you dare wave those wands at me, Harry James Potter!

Harry: I do what I like, you’re not my mother!

Ron: Right, after all this is over, I say we take a nice, long break in decidedly separate locations for a bit, this is getting to be too much for all of us.

Harry: Good plan. As is tracking down the next Horcrux and killing it so we can finally get a break from each other, that’s damn good incentive, actually. Not that I don’t love you guys, but, you know.

Hermione: Absolutely, I definitely need a break from you two.

Harry: So yeah, the plot is we destroy the rest of the Horcruxes and then we kill him. And stuff.

Hermione: We. Have. Been. Over. This. For. Months. STOP REPEATING IT.

Harry: No.

Ron: There’s only one problem, of course. We’re giving the only thing we know of that can destroy it to the dude who’s helping us. I really don’t fancy wearing a tiny trophy thing around my neck for another several months of camping.

Door: *begins to open*

Harry: I should’ve come up with maybe letting him destroy it so he knew we weren’t stealing for the sake of stealing, or something.

Ron: Yep, you’re dumb.

Fleur: *comes out onto the landing* He’s weak.

Harry: Balls.

Fleur: …

Harry: …

Fleur: …

Harry: …What?

Fleur: *goes down the stairs*

Harry: …O…kay?

Ron: …We still going in or what?

Harry: Evidently. *they all go in* Hey, John Hurt.

Ollivander: Hey.

Harry: So I need you to help rehash the story so far as well as ask a few other painful questions.

Ollivander: COME AT ME BRO!

Harry: Awesome. *walks up to him* We need to know if this wand won’t suddenly start stabbing us in the eye sockets while we sleep. *sits on bed…If Ollivander’s really weak and stuff, why isn’t he bedridden? Why is he sitting on a chair instead? Is it just to help make the shots look more dramatic? Or with all the people currently shoved into the house does someone else sleep in the bed while he’s forced to remain in the chair?*

Ollivander: *fondles Bellatrix’s wand…OH GOD WHAT MADNESS HAVE I JUST UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD. NO I AM NOT CHECKING TO SEE IF THAT PAIRING ALREADY EXISTS. I REFUSE* Odd that I don’t recognize the shape immediately, not only did I probably make it but it’s probably been used on me several times over the past year and a half or so. Hang on, let me figure it out…Walnut, dragon heartstring, twelve and three-quarter inches…Unyie… *snaps head up to stare at Harry* Unyielding. Which could be taken to mean that it won’t change loyalties, but since I say that it belonged to Bitchface Thestrange, it probably already has. Just not to Miss Granger, she didn’t disarm her.

Hermione: Shit, I needed that.

Ollivander: Treat it carefully.

Harry: M’kay. *chucks it violently aside, hands him Malfoy’s wand next*

Book readers: …Does Ron still have Wormtail’s wand or what?

Ollivander: *takes Malfoy’s wand as the camera cuts to slightly above him, heightening the wand’s significance to those who know about the Elder wand’s current allegiance and just looking cool to those who don’t* Hawthorn, unicorn hair, ten inches, reasonably pliant… *holds it up to his ear* This…was the wand of Draco Malfoy. *deliberately puts emphasis on the word “was” so Harry would pick up on it because Harry’s that much of a dumbass and Ollivander knows it*

Harry: …Wait, it’s not anymore? I don’t get it, and really, barely anyone else will either.

Ollivander: Did you yank it out of his hands?

Harry: Yeah…

Ollivander: Then it’s yours. Because theft has sick-ass rewards like that.

Harry: Well that’s good, considering there’s absolutely no way to fix my own wand and even when I’m handed the most powerful wand in the world I don’t even make the attempt to fix it then; I’ll need a wand of my own. Anyway, something’s kind of been bugging me. You talk about wands as if they have feelings and thoughts and voices of their own.

Ollivander: Well of course they do, wands are people too, you know.

Harry: …So do you know anything about the Title of the Movie?

Ollivander: *face visibly goes from grateful-ish to anxious* It is rumored there are five—

Hermione: Three, sir.

Ollivander: Three.

Book readers: Wait a minute, Ollivander wasn’t supposed to know about the Deathly Hallows, per se, whatever that means. He was just supposed to know a little about the Elder Wand, and even think that it’s a myth.

Movie watchers: Um, not everyone did what you all probably did and watched the first half immediately before coming to this one. We need a recap to remind ourselves what the hell’s going on. Besides, John Hurt’s awesome, why do you want to take screentime away from him?

Ollivander: There’s the Elder Wand, which I should be explaining is the most powerful wand EVAR but I’m tire so fuck it. There’s the Cloak of Invisibility, which is basically an uber-Invisibility Cloak and will only show up one more time the entire damn series and won’t even be used in its capacity as a Hallow, and the Resurrection Stone, which does Exactly What It Says On The Tin, only presumably with loved ones. Which makes sense, only an evil overlord would probably bring back an enemy once he’d already taken over the world and was really, really bored. Together, they make one the master of death, which we never really get into in the film. But those are just a myth anyway.

Harry: Bullshit, you totally believe in them.

Ollivander: No I don’t.

Harry: Yeah you do.

Ollivander: No, I don’t.

Harry: …Yes, you do.

Ollivander: Do not!

Harry: Do too!

Ollivander: Do not!

Harry: Do too!

Ollivander: Do not!

Harry: Do too!

Ollivander: Do not!

Harry: Do too!

Ollivander: Do not!

Harry: Do too!

Ollivander: Do not!

Harry: Do too! You totally told That-Guy-Who-People-Who-Were-Dragged-Here-For-The-First-Time-By-Their-Crazy-Fanatic-Friends-Are-Now-Getting-Very-Confused-About-Since-We’re-Refusing-To-Name-Him-This-Time-Around about the Elder Wand and where he could go grave-digging for it.

Ollivander: …I know it’s been said before by a far more unsavory character, but not everyone can be Frank and Alice Longbottom.

Harry: I know, I’m not blaming you, I’m just telling you what’s happened.

Ollivander: There’s no real need, I only told him a few rumors I’d picked up, which was really all I knew to begin with. It could take him years to find it, if he manages to find it at all.

Harry: Or it could take him about five months or so.

Ollivander: …What the fuck you on about?

Harry: He’s totally got it.

Ollivander: …Since when?

Harry: Since like right after we mutilated Dobby’s dead corpse into the nightmare it is now.

Ollivander: …THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ME TELLING YOU THAT STORY.

Harry: Thought you’d like to know, is all.

Ollivander: I—You really do blame me, don’t you?!

Harry: Of course not.

Ollivander: You guys are complete dicks, you know that?

Harry: We’ll let you rest now.

Ollivander: HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO REST AFTER WHAT YOU’VE JUST TOLD ME. WE ARE ALL SO UTTERLY FUCKING DEAD RIGHT NOW, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW.

Harry: Well I suppose I’ll have to somehow kill him before he slaughters everyone else, eh? *skips out the door*

Hermione: *eyeing him oddly on the way out* What an odd thing to say.

Ron: Why were we even in this scene? We didn’t even do anything.

~And the Deathly Hallows were…never really mentioned again. If JKR was psychic and knew how the film would’ve turned out, I think she would’ve been better off with Harry Potter and the Elder Wand for a title, it’s the only Hallow that’s given any focus anyway.~

HAIR!: *esists*

Ron: This is so goddamn random to put this part here. But you’re sure that’s Bellatrix’s hair? It’s not Narcissa’s or, Iunno, Wormtail’s or Greyback’s or Scabior’s or something?

Hermione: I don’t fucking know, just role with it.

Ron: Okay, no plan as usual, I can handle that. *takes hair and puts it in tiny bottle that presumably holds Polyjuice Potion that’ll last upwards from ten minutes, which, considering how much time they actually spent in the bank, was probably all they needed*

Hermione: I am noticeably apprehensive. One could argue that this is me returning to my usual “okay” acting, but in this case it’s completely justified.

Ron: Except for the fact that I’m the one currently talking. Anyway, how are we supposed to know what even it is when we get in there, anyway? It’s not like we were given any sort of direction as to what any of these objects could be.

Harry: Of course not, that would’ve been useful. Also Spidey Sense.

Hermione: …You’re fucking shitting me.

Harry: You have no idea how much I wish I was.

Hermione: Hmm… *is saved from working out the incredibly fucking obvious plot point that EVERYONE saw coming by the arrival of her future sister-in-law*

Fleur: This was the sluttiest black dress I could find. You’ll have to come up with the corset, shoes, and whatever else you need on your own somehow, apparently.

Hermione: Fuck. I mean thanks. And seriously, what the fuck happened to your accent.

Fleur: I really wish I knew. *walks over to Bill*

Bill: I love how I’m letting my baby brother go off on a dangerous I don’t even know what he’s doing mission that could very easily result in his death. Do not tell Mum about this.

Ron: Pfft, yeah, like I’d be that stupid.

Bill: You came after Fred and George, anything’s possible.

Ron: True.

Harry: Anyway, we’re going in the morning.

Bill: Taking Griphook with you as well?

Harry: Yep!

Bill: Listen, I’ve worked with goblins for quite a while, and therefore I’m obviously privileged enough to give a detailed analysis of their culture as if I were one of them. If you’ve made any kind of deal with Griphook, you better damn well live up to it. Goblins have a nasty habit of punching people in the soul.

Harry: …The fuck does that work?

Bill: I’ve been careful to not find out.

Ron: Thanks, by the way, for giving Harry a special pep talk and ignoring me completely.

Bill: Well I’m expecting him to look after you, aren’t I. Any trouble he gets in, you’ll be in.

Ron: …Point.

~Again with the deleted scenes being crammed right into the first chapter.~

Review or your friends’ll turn your dead body into a corpse-copter abomination from the depths of hell itself once you die.


	2. Teh DUDE THAT DRAGON’S SO FUCKING COOL!

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from the book/movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other book, movie, or game in the series, To Boldly Flee, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Two Best Friends Play Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood, Lord of the Rings, College Humor’s Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2 video, How to Train Your Dragon, Doctor Who, Farscape, A Very Potter Sequel, Wrath of Khan, Nullmetal Alchemist, A Very Potter Musical, Kickassia, a couple of songs, or several internet memes.

~So was Harry just having a flashback of the previous day the whole time he was out here or…?~

Gravestone: Here lies Dobby, a free elk.

Harry: *staring at Dobby’s grave again in that scene from the beginning of the film, sighs and takes out PS3 controller*

Luna: *comes up, carrying tiny suitcase* Hey, Harry.

Harry: Hey. *Dobby’s dead corpse comes shooting up out of the ground* I still can’t believe you stuffed Dobby and attached propellers to his feet and now use him as a remote control helicopter thing. *flies it around*

Luna: Yeah, that was a weird request in his will.

Harry: Which you wrote.

Luna: He would’ve wanted it that way.

Harry: After his death.

Luna: As I had to.

Harry: In his blood.

Luna: Well if you had a pen…

Harry: Whatever. *makes the dead house-elf crash-land back into his grave where he belongs*

Luna: The sky has lost a star. My father used to say that when a hamster died. So many corpses…

Harry: MOVING ON! *gets up and swiftly moves several paces back*

Luna: So how the fuck did Dobby know how to find us? Will that ever be adequately explained?

Harry: NOPE!

Luna: Awesomesauce.

Harry: *points to Luna’s suitcase* Hogwarts?

Luna: No, it’s a suitcase.

Harry: I meant are you going back.

Luna: Oh. Yeah.

Harry: It’s not the place you left, you know. Because I’ve totally been there since and know exactly what it’s like when you’ve already been there for half a year and could tell me exactly what it’s like there now.

Luna: Yeah, you’re kind of dumb like that. Also some bullshit about how I’m not the same person either because I’ve been kidnapped and tortured and whatever.

Harry: Yep. Let’s not say good-bye to each other and have you walk to your next destination instead of using a portkey.

Luna: SOUNDS LEGIT. *walks off*

Considering Ron’s just using some made-up name I’ve no problem keeping it as just Dragomir Despard: *walks on—hello long hair and beard combo! I’m not all that fond of facial hair most of the time aside from half the cast of LotR, but damn Rupert with that beard!* Well that was vaguely terrifying. So what d’you think of the outfit?

Harry: It looks like what people would expect wizards to actually fucking wear, even if I’m sure I saw the exact same badass longcoat in some random anime somewhere. *fondles Ron’s beard*

Dragomir: You are holding a piece of glass that could possibly be from a mirror in your hand.

Harry: So I am. *puts it away*

Dragomir: Gonna tell me, and by extension the audience, what that thing is anytime soon? It’d be nice that we at least made the effort in a deleted scene that movie watchers can view later instead of completely confusing them for all eternity.

Harry: Well I could tell you precisely what it is, or I could tell you that I’ve been seeing the body parts of dead people reflected in it. Do you think that’s weird?

Dragomir: …’Course not. *backs away slowly, then looks behind Harry and wolf whistles* Check out that shit!

Hermione/Bellatrix, um, Bella/Hermione…Baloney: *breaks the fourth wall* It’s actually spelled “bologna.”

iheartmwpp: Well it’s pronounced baloney, so shut up.

Baloney: Fine, whatever. *walks up hill perfectly competently in heels that she’s not used to; she should be perfectly fine on a flat marble surface later* So am I sexyfine?

Dragomir: *gags a bit* Sorry, think I just choked in my own vomit for a sec there.

Griphook: I haz a shiny sword thing.

Harry: Give it to Hermione.

Griphook: MINE, BITCH!

Harry: …Dude. You’re short, and you will look ridiculous carrying that thing around. Put it into Hermione’s Bag of Holding already, we’re on a bit of a time crunch now.

Griphook: …

Baloney: * bends over and opens her…bag* PUT IT INSIDE ALREADY.

Griphook: Is this really what I have to work with? *shoves his sword in*

iheartmwpp: I’m having waaay too much Goddamn fun. XD

Harry: Okay, now everyone stand near Ron.

Baloney: M’kay. *holy shit Helena matched up Emma’s facial expressions exactly! DAMN IT WHY ARE THESE GUYS SUCH GOOD ACTORS IT MAKES IT HARD TO MAKE FUN OF THEM*

Dragomir: *holds out hand, palm up* Take my hand.

Baloney: But that would only leave you with one! *grips his hand anyway*

Harry: This is gonna be a looong movie despite actually being the shortest. *puts his hand on top*

Griphook: I suppose I should join you lot—

Harry: So yeah, if you fuck this up, we’re all boned. Also you won’t get the sword.

Griphook: …That was so dubbed in after the fact it’s not even funny. *puts his hand on the very top and they all Disapparate—wait, where’d Baloney get those vambraces? Those’re cool!*

~Way to not actually show them turning up at the entrance to Knockturn Alley…which is right beside the entrance to the Leaky Cauldron at any rate according to Film Two, when’d they move it to be next to Gringotts? Last film?~

Baloney: Hey, check out all these wanted posters of you, Harry…Why aren’t any of them moving? I thought this was the Wizarding World, did we make a wrong turn?

Uh…Travers, yeah, why not: You lookin’ fine, girl!

Baloney: *curtsies* Why hello, there, good sir! *bats eyelashes*

Travers: …

Baloney: U-Uh, I mean…’S-’Sup, bitch.

Travers: Oh, okay. I shall not inspect further. *walks away*

Baloney: Phew.

Griphook: Are you fucking kidding me?! You’re supposed to be the most evil bitch ever created second only to Dolores Umbridge, and that’s what you lead with?!

Dragomir: Lay off what may or may not be my girlfriend, asshat.

Griphook: You’re dating Bellatrix?

Harry: *staring at the entrance to Borgin & Burkes* Sure hope no one sees us standing conspicuously in the entrance to what is probably the most busy street in Britain’s wizarding community right now.

Griphook: If she gives us a way, you better find a way to kill yourself quickly and painlessly, ‘cause we’ve got a lot of ways of making people talk.

Dragomir: Oh yeah, like what?

Griphook: We will poke you…with the soft cushions.

Dragomir: *wets himself, whimpering*

Griphook: Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Hermione: And yeah, sorry, was kind of a dumbass just now, my bad.

Harry: Okay, let’s just get inside the bank already so we won’t have to see people starving in the streets of Diagon Alley proper, because why show actual consequences that happen in war and to our world at large outside the school later, because Hogwarts is the only place in Britain that actually matters. *bends down to give Griphook a piggy-back ride*

Griphook: Ewewewewewewew, I’m gonna need a massively long shower after being so close to a human for so long, this is so gross…

Dragomir: Right, last use this’ll ever get in the films now. *throws Cloak over them*

~See that one goblin pulling a cart thing and a really small one right behind it, pushing it? Those’re Warwick’s kids! :D~

Baloney: …I don’t remember that chandelier, or this place being so brightly lit, do you?

Dragomir: Hopefully Harry and Griphook just moved so this group of goblins right behind me don’t walk into them…

Baloney: Okay, just walk forward, don’t look nervous… *is clearly not used to wearing heels* OH GOD MY ANKLE!

Dragomir: Shit, shit, shiiit…

Harry: Fuck, episkey!

Baloney: Oh thank Merlin, that’s much better…Why are all the goblins staring at us?

Griphook: *facepalm* You guys are the worst sneaky ninjas.

Harry: No, you!

Griphook: That doesn’t even make sense.

Harry: I’ll make you make sense!

Griphook: Stop talking.

Goblins: *are actually watching Keyboard Cat on their iPads instead of doing work*

Audience: …Why are those part-goblin guards dressed as Muggle policemen?

Harry: It looked way less stupid back when we had a thin sheet over our heads as opposed to this mystical shroud bullshit.

Baloney: *stops at the front desk, waiting expectantly*

New head goblin that is not, in fact, the corpse of Benjamin Franklin: *is busy watching Nyan Cat* Oh how I do love these delightful cat memes!

Baloney: *hacks up a lung*

New head goblin: You should probably get that looked at. *watches David After Dentist* Oh how barbaric these Muggles are. Who puts sewing material in people’s mouths, I ask you. I almost think it’s a good thing the Dark Lord’s trying to wipe them all out.

Baloney: Okay, I’m standing right here, notice me. This is bad customer service, just let me into my damn vault already.

New head goblin: I don’t recognize your voice, so piss off.

Dragomir: Well this is going well.

Harry: …Should we start making a break for it, or…?

Baloney: Pull your head up out of your ass and look at the people you’re talking to!

Goblin: See, that is so like a human—Oh shit, Madam Lestrange! I’ll, uh…I’ll be right back.

Baloney: Oh come on, I’ve been waiting ages for this damn place to open!

Griphook: They knows. They knows! They suspects us!

Dragomir: …Wait, how do they know? Was Hermione supposed to just torture one of ‘em while she was standing around bored?

Random goblin: I am looking up…OMINOUSLY.

Griphook: Probably, but also He-Who-Wasn’t-Even-Called-To-Malfoy-Manor-In-This-Version would’ve kept the real Bellatrix under house arrest for gross incompetence, so her walking out and about is a bit strange.

Dragomir: Then why didn’t you tell us before.

Griphook: I assumed you’d be smart. I was wrong.

Half-goblin guard dressed like a bloody Muggle policeman: Why am I this tall, Flitwick’s shorter than most goblins, even. Though my wand holster is pretty kickass. Also we’re assuming that me and the other lads here are half-goblin only because we have pointy ears and this ain’t exactly Lord of the Rings.

Dragomir: …So I’m kinda freaking out here, any ideas, o invisible person who might not even be behind me anymore?

Bogrod: ‘Sup.

Harry: This does not bode well.

Audience member #245: Man, these long-nosed, money-hungry goblins who work at a bank kind of remind me of negative stereotypes against Je—

Audience member #246: Goblins, totally.

Audience member #245: No I was gonna say, against Jewish people—

Audience member #246: They’re goblins!

Audience member #245: *points* That one just called Harry a shmuck.

Bogrod: Show us your wand now, k thx.

Baloney: Even though I have her wand, I totally don’t wanna.

Movie watchers: Wait, she totally has Bellatrix’s wand, we spent like the first ten minutes going over that.

Book readers: Because Voldemort knew that Harry and the others overpowered her and took her wand, so showing it would mean that it was totally them and not her.

Movie watchers: Huh. That didn’t come across at all.

Book readers: No it did not.

Bogrod: It’s apparently the bank’s policy even though before we needed a key. Frankly, no one really knows the way Gringotts even works and, hell, even people who work at a Goddamn Muggle bank barely know what the fuck they’re doing.

iheartmwpp: I ain’t even bullshitting y’all, the mother person’s a bank teller. It’d be funny how incompetent these bitches are if it weren’t, you know, what keeps a roof over most of our heads, and if we weren’t in the middle of a really shitty economy to begin with.

Baloney: Of course I don’t, I’m Muggle-born and apparently never read about this kind of thing—I-I mean, I never had to do this before, I don’t think, and it’s rather sucky of you to suddenly change your policy around and not even telling anyone about it.

Bogrod: *shrugs* No wand, no vault access. That is how I roll.

Baloney: …Shit fuckers.

Dragomir: That guard sure is taking his time to get up here.

Harry: Imperio. *yellow cloud comes out of his wand and is inhaled by Bogrod, who instantly smiles like an idiot*

Audience: Funny, I don’t recall a cheerful puff of yellow smoke that NO ONE NOTICES four films ago. If they all go around with happy expressions and inhaling very visible yellowish smoke it’s a wonder it’s not easier to prove whether or not someone was actually under it.

Harry: Okay, Malfoy’s wand was not visible in the previous shot, what the fuck. *withdraws wand from sight again*

New head goblin: Apparently goblins have crappy peripheral vision, considering that was kind of obscenely noticeable. Then again it might just be that I can’t see too much with all this hours and hours of make up that we didn’t win an Oscar for obscuring my vision.

Bogrod: Okay, let’s do this shit.

New head goblin: Exactly—Wait, what?

Baloney: …What the fuck just happened?

~Hands up, who think this was designed with the new theme park in mind?~

Dragomir: I DON’T LIKE THIS RIDE!

Baloney: YOU’RE TAKING WHAT IN STRIDE?

Harry: THIS WAS NOT THIS ROLLER COASTER-Y THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE!

Griphook: IT’S BEEN LIKE TEN YEARS, WE’VE UPGRADED!

Harry: WHAT?

Dragomir: HE SAID BEN’S IN TEARS ‘CAUSE HIS CRUP WAS RAIDED!

Baloney: WHAT?

Harry: DAMN IT, THE ROLLER COASTER AND THE MUSIC ARE WAY TOO DAMN LOUD! EPIC, YES, BUT LOUD!

Griphook: WHAT?

Bogrod: *singing* I’m siiiinging in the rain/Just siiinging in the rain/What a glorious feeling/I’m happy again…

Nauseous Trio of I Don’t Like This Ride: WHAT?

Griphook: YEAH, SO WOULD THIS BE A BAD TIME TO TELL YOU GUYS MY LICENSE GOT SUSPENDED A COUPLE MONTHS AGO FOR RECKLESS ENDANGERMENT?

Harry: WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE WATERFALL—WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK’S THAT WATERFALL DOING THERE?

Griphook: AH, BALLS. *tries the brakes* HOLD ON TO YOUR PANCREAS!

Harry: WHAT?

Baloney: HE SAID WE’RE GOING TO SAN ANDREAS!

Dragomir: WHAT?

Cart thing: *goes through waterfall*

Harry: Jesus that’s cold!

Ron: Huh, my chin’s no longer itchy, that’s nice, I guess the shower helped…

Hermione: Oh come on, this dress was clingy enough as it was!

Griphook: *watches the little light thing rise from the front of the cart* I am so fucking fired.

Alarm thing: I’M PROBABLY MORE LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE REST OF THE MOVIE! *starts blasting “Banana Phone”*

Cart thing: *unloads everyone before it gets too grating, thankfully*

Falling Trio of Oh God Oh God We’re All Gonna Die plus two goblins: OH GOD OH GOD WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Hermione: ARRESTO MOMENTUM! *everyone stops falling to their deaths several inches above ground*

Shot of Hermione’s cleavage: *is totally necessary*

Ron: OW I just fell on my back.

Harry, Hermione, and Griphook: We just fell on our faces!

Everyone: *gets up and looks up*

Cart thing: LATER, BITCHES! *goes back the way it came*

Harry: …So I just noticed your disguises wore off.

Griphook: Oh, yeah, probably should’ve mentioned that the Thief’s Downfall conveniently washes away all enchantments, huh.

Ron: Yah fucking think?! And also that cart was our only way of getting out of here, wasn’t it.

Griphook: YYYYYEP!

Ron: Oh brilliant.

Harry: Well at least I know one way we can stay out of sight while we figure stuff out. Where’s…Wait, where’s the Invisibility Cloak?

Ron: Oh, I threw it over on that magical walking chair over there—Ohhh crap.

Harry: Oh, that’s…That’s gonna be an issue.

Ron: Yep.

Bogrod: Oh man, what did I do last night? And what the fuck’re you doing down here? Hell, what am I doing down here? Is this real life?

Ron: YAY MY TURN TO DO AN UNFORGIVEABLE CURSE YAAAAAAAY! Imperio.

Bogrod: *bursts into song* Raindrops keep falling on my head/But that doesn’t mean that I will soon be turning red…

Harry: What’s with all the rain songs? Is it raining right now or what?

iheartmwpp: Nope, it’s pretty nice and autumn-y right now, actually

Harry: Then what gives?

iheartmwpp: Well it’s not even Halloween yet, I thought “Winter Wonderland” or “Snow” from the White Christmas movie would be inappropriate.

Harry: Aww, I like that song. *is distracted by a roar in the distance*

Ron: That waterfall made me want to pee. I don’t have to anymore. *is abruptly leading them further into the vaults after a jump cut* It’s a good thing I’m already wet, or this would be kind of uncomfortable.

Hermione: That’s what she said.

Dragon: *is tethered to the floor and there are a bunch of deep gashes around its neck where the chains broke through the tough scales, as well as other obvious signs of beatings and abuse*

Everyone in the audience: *starts crying*

Ron: Bloody stump. That’s a Night Fury.

iheartmwpp: Oh yes, I went there. *evil cackle*

Griphook: *grabs a pair of Clankers and hands them to Ron before taking a set for himself*

Night Fury: *is awoke* Grr. Arg.

Hermione: And now I don’t have to go to the bathroom anymore.

Harry: I’m cowering in the back!

Filmmakers: OUR HERO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND VARIATIONS THEREUPON!

Night Fury: *starts breathing fire but cuts it off when Griphook starts clanging the Clankers and backs away into a corner*

Griphook: It’s been trained to expect to be beaten horribly when it hears the noise!

Hermione: That’s barbaric.

Griphook: Look, bitch, we’re an entirely different species with an entirely different culture. Just because you don’t agree with our customs does not mean that your way of doing things is automatically right. Next time, try opening a book or something before trying to shove your views down our throats.

Ron: Don’t bother trying, we’ve basically been trying to tell her that about SPEW for years, she’ll never listen.

Hermione: Thanks for your support, Ron.

Ron: Hey, whatever keeps us alive right now, I’m totally down with.

Night Fury: *whimpering pathetically*

Hermione: So we’re trying to save a world where people routinely chain up and abuse animals for their own twisted and selfish uses. Good on us.

Harry: …Odd, I always saw it as us trying to save the world so that everyone we loved didn’t die or some meaningless shit like that. But of course, you know, dragon abuse is so much more important than what’s left of our friends and family.

Ron: She needs to sort out her priorities.

Griphook: And hey, this particular one might’ve killed a shitload of my people and this is its punishment, for all you know. Again, don’t judge till you know all the facts, bitchface.

Ron: Huh, I’m pretty good at this. I’d make a good goblin.

Griphook: You might, at that, if we chop your legs off.

Ron: …On second thought, I think I’m good.

Griphook: *sighs* That’s what they all say. *blinks back tears, distracting himself by putting Bogrod’s hand on the door and opening it*

Wet Trio of We’re Officially Freaked Out Now: *slips inside the vault, the goblins right behind them, slamming the door on the Night Fury’s fire*

Lock system from the first film: *is still there, if a bit more streamlined*

Harry: Lumos.

Ron and Hermione: HAH! We don’t need to say it anymore! You’re crap at nonverbal spells!

Harry: Shut up and start looking at all the shinys.

Ron: …Urge to steal…rising…RISING!

Hermione: Accio Horcrux.

Ron: Where were you when we established that shit didn’t work anymore?

Hermione: Well that’s bloody inconvenient, why even bother with it, then?

Griphook: It wouldn’t work even if you were trying to summon something other than a Horcrux. Also way to go, now I know you’re after Horcruxes.

Hermione: …Frell me dead.

Harry: *looking around*

Ron: Anything, mate?

Harry: My Spidey Sense is tingling.

Ron: Sweet, we’ve got ourselves a lead!

Hufflepuff’s Cup: *is whistling and whispering obnoxiously*

Hermione: Oops, knocked into something.

Golden arm…band…thing: *starts reproducing asexually*

Harry: FOUND YOU!

Ron: Look at that cup! I’d feed myself to Aragog’s children for that cup!

Harry: …New rule. Ron isn’t allowed within five miles of any of the other Horcruxes.

Hermione: Yeeeeaaaahhh…

Ron: Oh shit. *knocks over a plate and a goblet, which also start reproducing asexually*

Griphook: They’ve added the Gemino Curse! Everything you touch will start cloning itself!

Ron: WHY DID YOU TELL US NONE OF THIS FROM THE START.

Harry: Sword please!

Hermione: *unsheathes it fluidly from that bloody beaded bag of hers and chucks it at Harry, slicing his arm off*

Harry: Oh you bitch. *sticks it back on with magic and starts trying and failing to climb the increasingly large pile of gold trinkets that they hadn’t even touched so why are they doing that*

iheartmwpp: When we first saw this at home and crap started multiplying, the cat went running out of the room. It was funneh.

Hufflepuff’s cup: Aw, come on, man, what—no. I was having such a good day.

Hermione: Maybe if we stop moving, they’ll stop multiplying.

Griphook: Nope, the spell’s programmed to keep reproducing until it fills up the entire vault and crushes everyone in it. Also it’s supposed to burn everything on contact, kind of been waiting for that to kick in…

Harry: I am so damn close…Actually, I’m not entirely sure how I would’ve reached it if not for this fuckton of treasure I’m climbing right now…I hate being short…

Sword of Gryffindor: This shot was specifically done for the 3D effect, wasn’t it. *is so close to poking the cup*

Harry: *is getting buried alive…buried alive…*

Kirk: KHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN! KHHHHAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!

Treasure: *stops asexually reproducing*

Hermione: …He dead?

Ron: Iunno.

Griphook: …Seriously, the fuck did the treasure stop reproducing.

Treasure: Got a headache.

Griphook: …You’re shitting me.

Treasure: YEP! *starts going haywire again while Harry blasts a bunch of it out of his way*

Harry: WOW that was painful. Got it, though. It am shiny. And now I fall down go boom. *falls down go boom, dropping cup*

Griphook: Oh hey, it’s that thing you guys wanted. *grabs it*

Harry: Sweet, you got it. Mind handing it over, seeing as it’s the reason we came here and all?

Griphook: Oh, sure, sure…after you give me the sword.

Harry: YOU’RE TEARING ME APART, GRIPHOOK! *hands him sword, slicing his hand open by handling the blade end*

Hermione: OH GOD THAT DOESN’T GO THERE.

Griphook: *grabs sword and throws cup to Hermione* …Why did I throw the cup at the female when the agreement was between me and Harry Potter?

Hermione: Because I’m practically as good as any Seeker and can catch anything, didn’t you see me catch Dung’s wand last film? *catches cup easily*

Harry: You got it?

Hermione: Yeah, I got it, now can we not get crushed by piles and piles of solid gold.

Harry: Oh you just want everything, don’t you. *rolls eyes, turns to Griphook* So…Little help?

Griphook: Hmm, let me think about—no. *uses Bogrod’s hand to open door*

Ron: Oh, dick move, Griphook! You’re a dick! An actual penis!

Hermione: Heh heh, you said penis.

Harry: Come on, let’s just float-ish along this pile of treasure, since Griphook didn’t lock us inside like any sane person who wanted us dead and out of the way. Honestly, some people are just idiots.

Griphook: With all the treasure spilling out of the vault and clanging everywhere, you’d think I wouldn’t even need the Clankers.

Harry: *finally pulls himself out of the treasure* HEY! PEABRAIN! *runs after Griphook*

Hermione: How did we not break a couple of bones from having all that weight trying to squash us.

Ron: Owowowowow. *pulls a gold bar out of his ass* …Fuck it, I earned this one, I’m keeping it.

Griphook: Hey, those guys stole stuff, I was only here to catch them at it. Pay no attention to the sword that was supposedly in the same vault they were trying to rob, I certainly didn’t want it for my own personal gain, whatever are you trying to imply?

Bogrod: Aww, that dragon’s so cuuuute! I just wanna pet it and ride on it and feed it lots of fish and name it a cute name thing that makes it seem totally harmless when it totally isn’t…

Ron: Well Griphook sucks, but at least we still have the goblin we Imperiused to be our slave, which I’m sure won’t come back to bite us at all once the war’s over—

Night Fury: *breathes fire*

Bogrod: *is happily burned alive, because kids movie*

Ron: …That’s unfortunate.

Half-goblin guards: *can apparently use wands despite the goblin wars being pretty definitive on goblins not owning wands…though I guess Flitwick’s the fucking Charms professor so never mind* WE ARE SENDING NON-VERBAL BLUE BLASTS OF EXPLODING LIGHT AT YOU!

Hermione: Oh well that’s not very nice. *cowers behind pillar* So…Any thoughts?

Ron: *hiding behind another pillar with Harry* Yeah, I really don’t get people’s beef with the original Silent Hill 3 voice cast, it sounded perfectly fine to me, and whoever voiced Heather was absolutely brilliant—

Hermione: I meant about our current situation.

Ron: Oh. Well you’re always the one who steals other people’s ideas, what d’you think?

Hermione: Oh I am totally stealing Harry’s idea of riding the dragon out of here.

Harry: Why do I never get to be integillent.

Hermione: Because you suck. Reducto! *blasts guard rail, runs back towards stairs* …Okay, I’m standing in plain sight, how are they not hitting me…and are those spells multi-colored?! Jesus, these guys are way less lame than us! *running jump onto the dragon’s back*

Phil: GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK!

Sora: Oh FUCK YOU.

Harry: …She did not just—

Ron: THAT WAS THE HOTTEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN.

Goblins and half-goblin guards: We should probably hide from the flames now. *run behind pillars*

Hermione: You two coming, or are ya just a couple of pussies?

Harry: I have a strong suspicion I’m gonna hate this. *jumps anyway*

Ron: WHEEEEEE! *also jumps*

Hermione: Relashio!

Chain: *breaks*

Night Fury: I am free, but the leprechaun is still insisting that I burn things, and therefore I must comply.

Hermione: Understandable, please continue.

Night Fury: K thx. *still tries to violently murder everyone*

Concerned parents: *are shocked and appalled* THIS IS NOT A CHILDREN’S SERIES!

Children of said parents: It said PG-13, which means “Parents strongly cautioned.” Because there is nothing you could’ve done to prevent us from seeing these.

Night Fury: I am blind, but somehow I sense a light source from up above me. Or fresh air or something. IMMA FLY FOR IT! *starts climbing for it*

Clinging Trio of Hanging On For Dear Life: …This is gonna take longer than we thought…

Goblins: *are riding another cart toward them*

Half-goblin guards: *shoot spells at them*

Hermione: Oi! Those almost hit us!

Half-goblin guards: That is the general idea, yes.

Night Fury: *breaks rail…thing*

Goblins: …Oh balls.

Cart things: *fly off the rails*

Goblins and half-goblin guards: *scream and flail pathetically as they fall to their deaths*

Ron: That’s unfortunate.

Goblins on main floor: *are busy having a dance party*

Chandelier: *trembles ever so slightly*

Only a couple goblins: *take notice*

Night Fury: *bursts through floor* ‘SUP, BITCHES!

Goblin #45: Oh dear.

Most other goblins: *show some intelligence and run for it*

Night Fury: *breaking most of the bank* I’m in ur bank, breaking ur shit.

Goblin #84: I do believe that I have just soiled myself.

Night Fury: Oh how I love setting the people who imprisoned me on fiyah. *sets the people who imprisoned him on fiyah* There, now that that’s over, instead of using the front door, which I can’t see so who could blame me, Imma keep going up. *bashes right into the chandelier* Whoops! Sorry about that, folks!

Ron: It’s no problem, I didn’t need to breathe through my nostrils. *tries in vain to dig out the diamonds lodged up there* Keepin’ these ones too, I don’t care what anyone says.

Harry: Just try to hold on as this dude smashes through the glass dome, the shards of which should be slashing us all over the damn place but aren’t.

Night Fury: *collapsing stone roof under it*

Slipping Trio of How The Crap Are We Still Holding On: *slipping* How the crap are we still holding on?

Night Fury: *finds a sturdier patch of roof and breathes fresh air for the first time possibly in its entire life, enjoying a nice, quiet moment of its newfound freedom and basking in the…cloud…light…*

Spiny Norman: *pops up* Dinsdale…

Ron: Aww, what a lovely moment.

Hermione: Indeed. We can’t have that, now, can we. Reducto! *hits a patch of roof directly next to the Night Fury’s tail*

Night Fury: *freaks the fuck out*

Ron: *mimics* That’s barbaric—

Harry: Shut up and hold on!

Night Fury: *takes off, slamming into a couple of roofs here and there since it was years since it was airborne, and attracting the attention of possibly hundreds if not thousands of Muggles in the greater London area*

Ron: Seriously, Hermione, I don’t think I could be more in love with you than I am right now.

Audience: *discovers that Lily’s Theme also would’ve made a pretty sweet action theme*

~…And now I wanna watch How to Train Your Dragon. FOR SOME REASON.~

CLOUDS!: *exist*

Night Fury: Where the fuck am I going.

LAKE!: *exists*

Harry: How convenient is it that we’re dropping over water. Hey, isn’t that the area where you two skipped rocks during that one deleted scene?

Ron: Probably. LET’S JUMP FOR IT!

Hermione: When, when we’re still over the water and have a small chance of not getting bashed against rocks and hoping it’s shallow enough, or when we’re over land and have a surefire chance of either dying or getting severely fucked up?

Harry: …Water. And now, before we get above land.

Falling Trio of Two Wet Shots In One Chapter, Wow: GERONIMOOOO! *big splash*

Harry: …Shit, forgot I still shouldn’t be able to swim. Eh, I guess I’ll be fine, assuming I don’t get another vision—OH COME ON!

Voldemort: AVADA KEDAVRA!

Goblins: Oh that’s your answer to everything. *die*

Ron: That’s unfortunate.

Harry: How’d you even see that—ENOUGH WITH THE FLASHBACKS TO DUMBLEDORE AND THE RING, ALREADY, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.

Voldemort: Still murderin’.

Harry: That’s lovely for you. *somehow manages to break the surface*

Voldemort: *is getting increasingly impatient with all the Goddamn flashbacks of the diary and the locket*

Harry: Why aren’t Ron and Hermione making sure I don’t drown?

Voldemort: I am somehow having Potter’s flashback of the Weasley boy destroying the locket, how does that even work.

Memory of Tom Riddle: *explodes*

Harry: Are the flashbacks over yet?

Shot of Hogwarts: Evidently.

Harry: Sweet.

Helena Ravenclaw: …Dafuq am I corporeal.

Ravenclaw banner: THIS MEANS SOMETHING.

Harry: Okay, a random Ravenclaw banner is the final Horcrux, awesome.

Voldemort: Seriously, you think my thoughts would’ve led you directly to knowing what it was. Also I know you got the cup considering I’m slaughtering the goblins who just told me you stole something from the vault it was in.

BUBBLES!: *exist*

Voldemort: FUCKING BUBBLES!

Harry: Really need to focus on staying above the surface…

Voldemort: This is my sad face.

Harry: That’s nice, Imma swim back now. *swims back now, miraculously making it to shore before Ron and Hermione despite them being leagues ahead of him* So we’re totally boned, you guys. He-Who-Nearly-Killed-Me-With-The-Mind-Melding-Just-Now-While-You-Two-Did-Nothing-To-Help-And-Thanks-For-That-By-The-Way knows we broke into Gringotts and stole a Horcrux and has put two and two together and figured out we’ve been hunting them all along. And then he went on a short killing spree that resulted in the deaths of several goblins. I really hope we don’t have to fight another goblin war right after we’re finished with this one…

Hermione: How do you know that?

Harry: …You’re suddenly completely retarded, aren’t you. How do I always know what he’s doing, you fucking dumbass.

Hermione: You let him in?! Harry, you can’t do that, I’ve been nagging at you about this ever since even before Sirius died—

Harry: And it’s been heavily downplayed in the films, I’d like it to stay that way if you don’t mind. Not to mention that it’s hard to concentrate and meditate and do whatever else I need to do to clear my mind when I’m underwater, close to drowning, have to fight to make it to the surface, and swim to shore when I’m not a very strong swimmer. I don’t even know if I can keep him out normally, but he caught me at kind of a bad time this time.

Hermione: There’s always an excuse with you, isn’t there.

Ron: So about that method of yours that enables you to get on with the plot and determine our next move and save countless lives…?

Harry: Huh? Oh, right. He’s angry and scaredededed, considering that if we find and destroy all the Horcruxes we’ll be able to kill him, which is basically rehashing the plot of the last one since I don’t think we had time to flesh that out back at Shell Cottage.

Hermione: *crouches down and pulls out a vial, which she sprinkles the contents of on everyone’s hands*

Harry: Wait, why do we need Essence of Dittany? It’s not like the curse that made the gold multiply also made it burn like in canon.

Hermione: It’s not Essence of Dittany, it’s anti-bacterial soap, we don’t know where that dragon’s been.

Ron: Yes we do, it was down in the vaults at Gringotts. Hell, maybe that is Essence of Dittany and we got blisters from holding onto the dragon or something, Iunno.

Harry: Either way, it makes no sense and involves too much guesswork. But anyway, Vol—The-Guy-Who’ll-Stop-At-Nothing-To-Make-Sure-We-Don’t-Find-The-Rest isn’t going to go easy on us when it comes to finding the rest. Also I never considered the possibility of making another one really quickly to ensure his immortality, but then again neither did he, so whatever. *starts taking off his shirt* My vision did say that it’s in one convenient place. Get this. Hogwarts.

Ron: Oh, that’s awesome, I love Hogwarts.

Hermione: You saw what it was?

Harry: I saw a Ravenclaw banner. THAT MUST BE WHAT IT IS. Or it’s an annoying hint that it’s something to do with Ravenclaw instead of him picturing the actual thing in mah head, but that would be too easy, wouldn’t it.

Hermione: *panting and pulling out clothes*

Harry: So, yeah, we should probably get ready to go there. Also I’m going to prevent getting hypothermia this time by just changing my clothes right here. *takes off his shirt*

Hermione: Well you can’t just do that, Harry, you have to plan these things out! You have to have a strategy, for God’s sake!

Harry: Yeah but that takes hard work. Hard work that WE DO NOT HAVE. *starts to pull on a dry shirt

Ron: *has taken off his robes already, showing way more brains than last time, though he and Harry still keep their trousers on, which is probably still really dumb* I’m with him, I really wanna go back to Hogwarts. *starts to pull on a dry shirt of his own* The only issue is Snape. He’s probably made it so it’s completely impossible to come into Hogwarts by any route.

Harry: Uhhhhhhhh…There’s always the passage under Honeydukes that Wormtail would’ve told everyone about and that one time I tried to get down it Snape got really extremely suspicious about that statue, so I’m sure it’ll be perfectly fine for us to use.

Hermione: *takes off her outer cloak thing, then grabs a towel and wraps herself in it*

Ron: …That’s not gonna help, Hermione. You should really just strip mostly completely like we’re doing.

Hermione: *scoffs* Please, you two are currently shirtless for the fangirls. I’ve already fulfilled my fanservice quota with the cleavage shot, I don’t need to cater to you for this.

Harry: It’s not a matter of fanservice, it’s making sure you don’t die! Look, me and Ron’ll turn around, I’ll make sure Ron doesn’t look, so you can change really quickly and not freeze to death, all right? All three of our actors literally nearly got hypothermia while filming this scene!

Hermione: I’ll do it after the camera cuts out, all right?

Ron: Bugger. *struggling to get his arms into his sleeves; this is what happens when you try to put on dry clothes without drying yourself first* Hey, Hermione, what happened to that one spell that instantly dried and warmed things?

Hermione: Go fuck yourself.

Ron: :’(

Harry: Anyway, there’s something wrong with him.

Ron: With That-Fucking-Guy? No, it can’t be!

Harry: Shut up. His brain’s all confuzzled, he used to have a pretty clear head. His thoughts were still insane, granted, but the thought process itself never was.

Ron: Maybe he’s feeling the effects of the Horcruxes at long last now that there aren’t that many left even though we established that that’s not how that works.

Harry: It does feel like he has a bit of an owie, but it also feels like we’ve backed him into a corner, and he’s ready to lash out and not care who he’s hurt in the process.

Ron: Huh. Sounds like this is shaping up to be a fun second half.

Harry: Quite.

~That’s technically twice this movie that the normal effects of freezing cold water have met nothing in the long run. Except that one time Dan, Rupert, and Emma nearly got hypothermia.~

Review or your dragon’ll escape. OH NOES NOT THE DRAGON.


	3. Teh HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW ALOHOMORA BY THIS POINT

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from the book/movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other book, movie, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, None Piece, Code MENT, Starship, Game of Thrones, Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Firefly, or lack of goat Patronuses.

~Why is there blood everywhere? The Killing Curse doesn’t leave any marks or open wounds, unless Nagini decided to help out or something…~

Voldemort: Me walking barefoot through blood makes me look evil and awesome, that’s why. Ahem. Nanka ga aru mitai da. Ore-sama wo korosareru mae ni Potter wo mitsukenakucha ikenai.

Audience: Huh. This was all in Malfoy Manor. Who’da thunk it.

Lucius: Holy crap, I can read subtitles! Um, shit’s going down and we gotta do something quick before Potter kills him…I should probably not let on that I’m practically praying for that at this point…

Voldemort: Nagini ga soba ni iru kara.

Nagini: Chi ga nai.

Narcissa: …The Dark Lord must have some pretty odd fetishes if the snake has to stay beside him at all times. Also the snake has a point, it doesn’t look like it’s got any blood on it despite slithering through it.

Voldemort: Thank you for letting the camera linger on you so it doesn’t have to show me Disapparating.

Narcissa: Any time, my Lord, any time.

Griphook: HEY I’m dead.

Sword of Gryffindor: Screw you guys, I’m goin’ home. *disappears*

~Did Hogsmeade expand? It looks bigger than it did before. Or it could just look that way since it’s dark, Iunno.~

Book readers: …Shouldn’t this be, like the end of April or the beginning of May, what’s with all the snow?

Frozen Trio of Hopefully They’ve Dried Off By Now: *Apparates in and bursts into song* We gotta get back to Hogwarts/We gotta get back to school/We gotta get back to Hogwarts/Where everything is magicool—

Alarm: *sounds like twenty dying cats screaming in agony over and over*

Hogsmeade residents: *sniffling* I really wish they’d stop murdering all our cats every time someone breaks curfew…

Harry: …I’m thinking we should hide, maybe.

Hermione: Oh come now, I’m sure they’re friendly—

Death Eaters: I WILL KILL EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD!

Hermione: …I’ve been wrong before… *ducks out of sight with Harry and Ron*

Death Eaters: Apparently Hogsmeade has stables. Now let’s creep menacingly around these tables with cloths over them. *creep menacingly around these tables with cloths over them and start lifting the cloths to check underneath*

Harry: Shit, they’re almost about to find us.

Ron: Boy, it sure would help if we had an Invisibility Cloak with is, wouldn’t it.

Hermione: You forget, in this parody version we left it deep within Gringotts, because it’s the only explanation for us being this stupid throughout the rest of the movie.

Death Eater #67: Hey, I bet I can whip off the table cloth and not disturb the glasses left on top of it! *tries, the glasses all tumble to the floor and shatter* Ah, bollocks, thought I could do it.

Death Eater #58: You better fix those, we don’t know if there’s some kind of you break it, you buy it rule.

Death Eater #67: Somehow I don’t really think that applies in the Wizarding world when all we have to do is cast reparo, like I just did.

Death Eater #58: There’re always some probably Dark objects that won’t be able to be fixed easily by magic.

Death Eater #67: Good point.

Alarm: *starts butchering cats again*

Death Eater #67: POTTER IS THE ONLY ONE WHO SOUNDS LIKE SEVERAL DYING CATS! *runs off*

Death Eater #58: I’m up to my tits in morons. *follows him anyway…Why do all the evil fuckheads wear actual robes? Is that why they hate blood traitors so much, because they wear Muggle clothes all the damn time? But how would you explain the Snatchers, then?*

Crouching Trio Hidden Dragon: …We’re still crouching. AND NOW WE’RE RUNNING DOWN AN ALLEYWAY.

Hermione: OH NO A GATE MY ONE WEAKNESS.

Harry: …Alohomora?

Hermione: A-what-a-hooba?

Harry: …It’s the first spell we see an incantation given to in the entire series, even before wingardium leviosa.

Hermione: I don’t follow you.

Harry: *slams his head against the gate*

Aberforth: I’ve been recast! Now get over here.

Harry: OKAY! *runs in*

Hermione: I’m a bit more cautious about this…

Ron: I’m just pissed we didn’t get to see a goat Patronus.

Harry: I AM RUNNING INTO THE ROOM.

Hermione: And I am stopping at the foot of the stairs.

Ron: …I see dead people.

Hermione: Oh don’t be silly, every old dude with a beard looks like Dumbledore, as shown by several people iheart’s talked to not knowing the difference between Richard Harris, Michael Gambon, Ian McKellen, or Christopher Lee. OOOOH LOOK AT THE PRETTY PICTURE.

Ariana: I have a ridiculously large forehead.

Hermione: Huh, been a while since I saw a portrait or any kind of picture that moved like it’s supposed to.

Mirror: *shows Harry’s face*

Hermione: …Harry? I’m really confused, there’s this mirror here, missing a piece, and it’s showing your face.

Harry: Yeah, you’d think I’d be confused and would be able to see your face right now, but I’m not.

Ron: Do you obsessively check that thing every time we get sent to a new location?

Harry: And since you turned your head, it is now showing your braid. I wonder if this is the piece that broke off…of the one that I had, now it’s implying that there’s only one mirror, the hell…?

Hermione: This isn’t ever going to be explained, is it.

Harry: NOPE!

Aberforth: *comes in* So the most wanted person in the entire wizarding community of the United Kingdom decides to waltz into the place where he’s most likely to go, and therefore most likely to be caught. Well done, good sir, that showed a great deal of intelligence on your end.

Harry: Why thank you—

Aberforth: IT’S CALLED SARCASM, YOU GIANT DICK WAFFLE.

Ron: Damn I could go for some waffles right now…

Harry: You Aberforth? Only you’re a really grumpy guy with a beard so I can only assume you’re related to Dumbledore. Also mind not spying on me anymore? Getting kind of creeped out.

Aberforth: Hey, you’re the one who took it out whenever you needed a piss. Or a shit. Or a w—

Harry: *sputters* You didn’t have to look!

Aberforth: It was like a train wreck at that point, I couldn’t look away!

Harry: Oh God I feel unclean.

Aberforth: I did send Dobby to save all your asses, I’ll have you know.

Harry: And that’s supposed to make me feel better about your freakish stalking of a barely of age male?!

Aberforth: Where is Dobby, anyway, he hasn’t shown up for our bi-weekly game of Twister in some time.

Harry: He dieded.

Ariana: That wall over there is extremely fascinating.

Hermione: I AM GLARING AT SOMETHING.

Ron: I just found the bathroom, be back in a tic.

Aberforth: *lower lip trembles* You mean…I’ll never see my friendly-friend again?

Harry: …A friend of ours sort of turned him into a house-elf-copter thing from hell.

Aberforth: YAYZ WE CAN PLAY TOGETHER AGAIN! *checks outside but doesn’t bother to close the curtains*

Harry: So wanna draw more attention to the whole mirror thing that we’re never gonna fully explain ever?

Ron: And I’m back, what’d I miss?

Aberforth: Got it off Mundungus Fletcher, about a year ago. You probably should’ve figured that out, since you pulled an Albus and tried to strangle him on that day.

Harry: I have absolutely no memory of this, but I certainly want to now.

Aberforth: Yeah, he was nicking Sirius’s things, the whole village heard it, I didn’t need to have Albus repeat it later. For some reason he thought you’d be upset if you heard that the closest thing you ever had to an official parental figure-type-person had shit stolen from him by a guy you didn’t meet until the first half of this film. And seriously, I saved your lives, let the whole stalker thing go already.

Harry: …Really should’ve taken advantage of Kreacher more in this, then we wouldn’t’ve needed Dobby at all and I wouldn’t feel massively violated…

Ron and Hermione: WE ARE MAGICALLY BY THE TABLE!

Aberforth: Butterbeer?

Ron and Hermione: I LOVE YOU FIVE-EVER!

Aberforth: …Wha—?

Ron and Hermione: IT’S ONE MORE THAN FOUR-EVER!

Aberforth: Ahhh, I c wut u did thar.

Ron: Merlin’s cloth-covered chairs, I love bread. *noms*

Hermione: You hear anything from anyone else?

Aberforth: Yeah, the werewolf that’s on our side managed to reproduce, but that’s not important right now. The Order’s finished anyway.

Ron: *chokes* Wha…You mean everyone’s d-dead? *grabs fistfuls of hair* Fuck, we just saw Bill and Fleur this morning, what happened in that time to—

Aberforth: No, I just meant we’re losing badly.

Ron: *glares daggers at him that impale his pancreas* Then why didn’t you say that. I have a massive family and for a second I thought they were all dead. Do NOT do that to me again.

Aberforth: Oh lighten up. But yeah, might as well give up hope, the Death Eaters are too many, and powerful besides.

Harry: Yeah that’s nice, we’re just gonna go break into Hogwarts now.

Aberforth: Well what’re you gonna do? Dance your way in there?

Harry: No!

Aberforth: …

Harry: …Yes.

Aberforth: Well that’s pretty stupid.

Harry: Yeah…But your brother gave us a job to do, so we’re gonna do it.

Hermione: *is also nomming on bread*

Aberforth: O rly?

Harry: Yah rly!

Aberforth: And I bet it’s nice and leisurely, got plenty of time to relax in between?

Harry: Depends on how relaxing you consider camping to be. Frankly I was rather on edge most of the time, I prefer moving about and doing things. Besides, *bursts into song* we’re here to get the job done/It doesn’t matter if it’s tough or it’s fun/We don’t hide and we don’t run away!

Aberforth: Oh for the love of Merlin’s homemade banana peels, enough with the Goddamn Starkid references already.

Harry: *hastily* We need to find Horcruxes. For some reason I’m assuming you know what those are and that you’ll understand the gravity of the situation. It really kind of shows how desperate I am that I’m telling you this when Dumbledore told me not to tell anyone outside our Circular Trio of Damn It Stop Hogging The Food. The second-to-last one’s inside the castle, could you somehow sneak us into Honeydukes?

Aberforth: …That’s the job Albus gave you?

Harry: Yep.

Aberforth: …And you’re still alive?!

Harry: I’m shocked my own self.

Aberforth: …Well it doesn’t matter, you’re still gonna die if you keep going. Just go running back home and cower under the covers, you’ll at least be able to live until the Muggle governments realize something’s seriously wrong and nuke the countryside in desperation.

Harry: I don’t have a home, the closest thing I’ve got is the place we’re trying to get to, now show me how to get into it!

Aberforth: And what makes you think you could actually trust Albus? After all the fuck-ups he’s made regarding you, at the very least? Remember that one time he told you that he was gonna tell you everything, but you still had to spend the next two years finding out he lied to you a-fucking-gain?!

Harry: Oh yeah, that was fun.

Aberforth: And did he ever mention my name? Or hers? *points to Ariana*

Ariana: Am I holding the Tales of Beedle the Bard? Is that what this is?

Harry: Why should he—

Aberforth: Keep secrets? You tell me.

Harry: …I was about to say why should he tell me about his personal life? I don’t really know about any of the staff’s personal life, really. It could be argued that I’m closest to Hagrid amongst the staff, but I didn’t know how he got expelled till I knew him two years, and he never explicitly told me that he was half-giant, I had to overhear that piece of information, as usual. And Remus dropped about three chapters worth of exposition, mostly about his life, on me during third year, and a bit more during my sixth, but I still don’t really know what he does in his spare time or who his parents are/were or anything like that. I didn’t even know too much about Sirius, really. So I really don’t know where you’re going with that argument.

Aberforth: Stop saying things that make sense, I’m trying to show you that Albus was a meany stinky doo-doo head, work with me here! And don’t give me that bullshit about how you trust Albus’s judgement, that’s a child’s answer!

Harry: You’re saying everyone in the Order’s a child then?

Aberforth: Basically, yeah!

Harry: If only Mad-Eye were still alive, I’d love to see you try telling him that to his face. As it is, I can certainly settle for McGonagall, that should be fun.

Aberforth: STOP LYING TO YOURSELF!

Harry: …The fuck did that come from?

Aberforth: You don’t strike me as a fool, Harry Potter!

Ron: *snort* You clearly don’t know the guy.

Harry: Yes thank you, Ron. *turns to Aberforth* I really don’t care for petty sibling rivalries, it was annoying enough at the Burrow and I don’t care to see it repeated by a supposedly mature older man, because if you ask me, you’re the one who’s acting like a child. And I’m not about to give up, as far as I can tell, the finish line’s mostly in sight, and I intend to cross it tonight, with or without your help.

Aberforth: …Ariana! Go get the hot one.

Ariana: Oh fuck yes. *walks off, drooling*

Harry: …What was up with that?

Aberforth: Keep watching.

Hermione: *walks toward the painting* That’s your sister, Ariana, isn’t it?

Aberforth: Oh? And what gave you that idea? The fact that I called her “Ariana” just now?

Hermione: Yes! That’s exactly how I was able to deduce that immensely complex problem! *beams widely*

Aberforth: …We’re all going to die.

Hermione: I read that she died when she was very young in Skeeter’s new book, and I know it’s Skeeter, but there’s got to be some truth in what she says, right?

Aberforth: Indeed, and thank you for bringing up such a painful topic, you tactless wench, I greatly appreciate it.

Hermione: *giggles*

Aberforth: Hey, did I tell you about Albus’s mad quest for power?

Harry: …You did not.

Aberforth: Well I ain’t gonna tell you any of it now, either.

Movie watchers: Wait, Dumbledore had a quest for power, what is he talking about?

Book readers: And here we thought that this would get resolved nice and easily.

Aberforth: All you need to know is that it resulted in Ariana’s death. And that’s why I don’t like him very much. Not because of jealousy, or any feelings of inadequacy, but because he basically led our baby sister to her grave.

Harry: And you’re still on about that? It was, what, a hundred years ago, roughly? Move the fuck on already, there’s more to life than dead family members, you know!

Hermione: Indeed, now piss off, Mr. Dumbledore.

Aberforth: Indeed I shall. *pisses off*

Hermione: Yeah, I’m totally with you on this, even though he saved our lives twice does not mean that his peeping habits should be ignored. We’ll have to deal with that after we save the world, though.

Harry: Shoulda punched him or something…

Hermione: Look, she’s coming back.

Ron: There’s a creepy shadowy blob behind her. Hey, wouldn’t it suck if that turned out to be a really bad thing?

Harry: Probabably. *backs up a little*

Ariana: I don’t really know how my portrait’s opening on its own like this, just roll with it.

Harry: …NEVILLE?!

Neville: *appears, looking badass and awesome*

My theater: *clapped at everything but this, practically, which is kind of odd, I totally thought that scene warranted applause. Kinda wanted to start it myself, but I was too chicken shit and used to responding to peer pressure to do so. I am ashamed; it’s almost like I let Neville down somehow*

Harry: Damn, you look—

Neville: Suddenly sexy as hell, which is ever so slightly enhanced by the blood splatterings?

Harry: Yeah…Wow, I must say, I did not expect—

Neville: I know, me neither! Though I think if they beat me up as badly as they did Seamus, I might not look as sexyfine.

Aberforth: Not sure why I came back in, really.

Neville: Hey, Ab, heard about you getting the part of Mance Rayder in Game of Thrones, good on ya, mate!

Aberforth: Thanks! Here’s hopin’ I’m one of the rare few who doesn’t have to get nekkid!

Neville: …So we’re hopefully getting the rest of the Order to come through here later keep the bar open, would you?

Ron: How’d we get over halfway down the tunnel so fast?

Neville: Because shut up.

Ron: At any rate, I suppose this is another thing the Marauders never found out about.

Neville: It wouldn’t’ve existed in their time anyway. Here’s hoping you told us about the Map during DA lessons or something, or else I’m pulling my sudden knowledge of the seven secret passageways right outta my ass. But yeah, you think they would’ve known about them when Remus taught four years ago, but seeing as how he conveniently forgot about the Honeydukes passageway they had Wormtail tell them about the rest. And technically they’re not all sealed off, either, the Whomping Willow’s still the only thing guarding that particular tunnel, but no one’s ever really tried to use it. Bit exposed on the grounds, see, the place is covered with dementors and Death Eaters.

Hermione: Oh, but surely Snape is giving you guys a super special fun time?

Neville: Thought his first name was Severus. Eh, Shirley Snape sounds better anyway, we should all start calling him that. Be able to do it without him hearing easily enough, he’s hardly ever around. The Carrows, on the other hand…

Harry: That name rings a bell.

Neville: They don’t get much development, but they’re brother and sister, and since Amycus freaked out when his sister was hurt the fanfic writers all immediately assumed that he wouldn’t care as much if they were just siblings and figured they had to be giving Jamie and Cersei a run for their money. *pauses* That’s an incest joke.

Harry: Yeah, got that.

Neville: But basically picture them as a watered-down version of the Lestranges and you probably wouldn’t be far off. They like beating up small children, and larger of-age blokes. *points at face that…really just has a couple of cuts here and there, I was expecting massive swellings and things*

Hermione: Our voice is carrying through the grate above our heads. Hopefully no Death Eaters can hear us and no dementors can sense us…There was several inches of snow in Hogsmeade. Why is Hogwarts still nice and grassy.

Neville: Probably didn’t want to bother with adding snow, since they would then have to factor in it melting when the explosions caused fires everywhere.

Hermione: That’s…kind of a massive oversight on their parts. Unless they’re trying to imply that Hogsmeade is always snowy, in which case they should just find a way to get rid of the White Witch and have done with it.

Ron: Wow, we’re going all out with the literary references tonight.

Hermione: So they cut up your face ever so slightly? What did you do this time?

Neville: Today’s Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson had us practicing the Cruciatus Curse. On first years. I told ‘em to go fuck themselves.

Dementor: …I’m right here. Why do I sense nothing.

Painting of a corridor tunnel thing: *is a painting of a corridor tunnel thi—OH GOD THE CAMERA’S GOING RIGHT THROUGH IT*

Neville: Hang on, gonna fuck with their heads for a sec. *opens portrait* Hey guys, turns out Sirius Black wasn’t dead after all! He was just hiding behind the veil this whole time!

Seamus: We didn’t buy it the first seventy-two times, we’re not gonna buy it now.

Neville: Eh, worth a shot. Check this shit out, though.

Harry: ‘Sup.

Hedwig’s theme: *starts playing triumphantly*

Everyone: LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED! *all get up and applaud*

Movie watchers: …There’s Lavender and Padma…Where’s Parvati?

Book readers: And how is McLaggen still there? Pretty sure we saw Cho in the back too—Wait, that’s Dean! The fuck did he make it to Hogwarts?!

Movie watchers: …The hell are you guys talking about?

Book readers: Weren’t you listening to the radio when they first started camping?

Movie watchers: Of course not, it was barely audible!

Harry: I’m standing here awkwardly…let’s just have the camera pan to behind that hammock way in the back so no one has to see me climb down the ladder just as awkwardly.

Everyone: HUGGLES! *huggles Harry*

Neville: Nigel, listen to me—

Audience: HOLY FUCK THAT’S NIGEL?!

Neville: Get the word out to Remus and the others that Harry’s back, because apparently we’ve somehow figured out a way to fix Potterwatch to somehow do that.

Audience: …Is Remus the head of the Order now or does Neville just trust him the most ‘cause he knows him?

iheartmwpp: …Whoa, I just paused it and it looks like Matthew Lewis is staring directly into the camera. Looks kind of disturbing, actually… *slowly moves side to side* Everywhere I go…his eyes keep following me.

Audience: Fucking hell, how did Luna get there?!

Neville: Okay, enough with the strangling, we need him alive, people, break it up, break it up…

Nigel: Why would the Wizarding Wireless need headphones…Anyway! *bursts into song* Guess who’s back/Back again/Harry’s back/Tell a friend…

Mimbulus mimbletonia: CAMEO!

Neville: So, how’s the rest of the movie gonna pan out, Harry?

Harry: …Didn’t really want to involve anyone else, but considering I’m about to get desperate…

Hermione: It’s so good to be back at Hogwarts…

Ron: Way to not give us hugs, fucking tossers…

Everyone: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeell?

Harry: There’s basically a weapon that can stop The-Guy-Who…I-Don’t-Want-To-Alarm-You-But-He’s-Probably-On-His-Way-Over-As-We-Speak hidden in the castle and we’re gonna try to find it and stuff.

Neville: Kay then, what is it?

Harry: Thought it was a random Ravenclaw banner, but I really have no idea.

Neville: …Okay, where is it?

Harry: I just told you, hidden in the castle.

Neville: Yeah, but where in the castle.

Harry: I honestly couldn’t tell you. And I realize this is like no information—

Seamus: It isn’t like no information, it is no information.

Harry: Like I said, I thought it might’ve been a Ravenclaw banner, but now I’m pretty sure it’s just a tip-off that it has something to do with Ravenclaw, which is rather annoying, why can’t something be straightforward for once in this damn series. *wipes mouth* It’ll probably be small and easy to hide. If the Ravenclaws in the room have any insight, it would be greatly appreciated.

Luna: Ravenclaw’s lost diadem?

Ron: She’s a Ravenclaw answering a question about Ravenclaw House. I really wish I didn’t immediately mistrust everything she said. There’s a time and place for the humorous content she spews, you know?

Luna: Okay, I know I’m not the only one who knows about this, come on. Padma?

Padma: For the purposes of this version and the fact that the film is lacking a Parvati, I’m going to say that my twin sister is dead and I am wearing her House colors to feel closer to her, so no annoying “Why am I in Gryffindor” jokes for you this time around. You’re welcome. And yeah, I’ve heard about it, but I think I’ll let Cho explain, I’m presumably still too wrapped up in my own grief.

Cho: I shall indeed explain, then. Luna, it’s sort of lost.

Luna: I know, I just said it was. You know, the lost diadem? Kind of in the name. Learn to listen to the words I speak and not just pretend to hear them.

Cho: Yes, well, anyway, there isn’t a person alive today who’s seen it apart from He-Who-Turned-It-Into-A-Horcrux.

Ron: …Yeah, so I don’t think anyone knew what a diadem was until this book, so if someone could explain it…?

Cho: It’s a pretty tiara for a pretty princess.

Ron: …You-Know-Who’s kind of girly, isn’t he.

Harry: You didn’t get that from the locket? Or the diary? Rings are kind of girly now too unless you’re married or are showing off yo bling, and…well I suppose snakes can be a unisex pet…

Ginny: I EXIST.

Harry: I AM HAPPY TO HEAR THAT.

Ron: *waves*

Ginny: *stares at Harry*

Ron: …Lovely. My own sister, who hasn’t seen me in six months and for all she knows I might’ve been dead, doesn’t care that I’ve come back at all. Brilliant, that’s just great.

Hermione: Please don’t go all locket-crazy again.

Ron: I’m restraining myself. It’s hard, but I am doing it. It’s not like I’m her brother or anything.

Seamus: Waiorefawerpofijsrkdfeih.

Ron: …What?

Hermione: I got it for you, luv, hang on… *turns on subtitles*

Seamus: Got lots of those. There’s only one Harry.

Ron: You don’t have any siblings, do you, Seamus. Any of us die and the rest’ll be torn up forever. Or so I thought…

Harry: *still staring off-camera, presumably at Ginny*

Neville: Moving right along, ‘sup, bitch?

Ginny: I have no idea how, but apparently Snape knows that Harry was spotted in Hogsmeade even though that was sheer guesswork and it could’ve been any group of three shorter than average people.

Everyone: *turns to stare at Harry*

Harry: …What?

~Seriously, what the fuck happened to Parvati.~

Review or your alarm for anything and everything will forever sound like several dying cats.


	4. Teh FUCK YEAH STATUES TRACK

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from the book/movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other book, movie, or game in the series, Star Trek, Mulan, A Very Potter Sequel, Kingdom Hearts, lines from yoneld’s Battle of Hogwarts parody, or Nyan Cat.

~I think there was an old episode of MuggleCast where the original movie shown in previews or whatever had a scene where Harry got handed a robe or something.~

Game players: Okay, according to the Order of the Phoenix PS2 game, you go into that door after that courtyard, the great hall’s right fucking there. What the fuck’s with this new staircase thing.

Students: Yeah really, I do not remember this staircase being here…Seriously, where the hell are we?

Ginny: Super happy fun times. THIS IS THE BEST PENULTIMATE YEAR AT HOGWARTS ANYONE COULD EVER ASK FOR!

Harry: *slips in beside her* IGNORE ME! *holds her hand*

Ginny: Aww, the filmmakers are still trying to pretend that they remember we’re a couple! That’s so adorable!

Amycus: Come on, let’s move it already, we don’t have all night!

Students: …We’re keeping the pace you’ve been setting presumably all year. You want us to hurry up, let us pick up the pace.

Snape: …The hell did we all get here so fast…LOOK AT MY CAPE BILLOW! LOOK AT IT!

Alecto: Do we even eat here anymore?

Amycus: We gonna stage another death match between a sixth year and a second year? Huh? Huh? Are we? Are we?

Snape: Maybe later. *swivels around dramatically with his hands in his pockets* So! You’re probably wondering why I made you all wake up at like three in the morning, amirite?

Terry: It’s like six, Professor, we figured it was time for dinner.

Snape: You know, I was gonna feed you after this little announcement, but now I’m not gonna.

Antony: *stomps on Terry’s foot*

Snape: Anyway, it has come to my attention that earlier this evening…

~Three hours later…~

Snape: Harry Potter was spotted in Hogsmeade.

Slytherins: Even we seem intrigued by this even though we’re supposed to be completely irredeemable in every fashion.

Snape: Now…should anyone…student or staff…attempt to aid Mr. Potter…

Katie: Seriously, what the hell am I still doing here, I know I sneak in later with the rest of the old Quidditch team but why am I still a student—Oh right, probably failed everything last year due to missing over half of my NEWT year and, not being Hermione Granger, couldn’t catch up, right, never mind.

Snape: They will be punished…however much I feel they deserve punishment furthermore…

McGonagall: That should’ve started a new sentence.

Slughorn: I’m the only Slytherin who wasn’t evil at any point, aren’t I.

Snape: Any person found to know what the fuck’s going on…

~Three years later…~

Snape: …who fails…to fess up…

~Three decades later…~

Snape: …will be treated…

~Three centuries later…~

Snape: …as…

~Three millennia later…~

Snape: …e…

Captain Kirk: Captain’s log. Stardate: 5331 A.D. I think. I…can’t-do-math.

Snape: …qually guilty.

Students: *don’t particularly care anymore, since they all died of old age back in the early 2100s*

Snape: OKEY DOKEY, LET’S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!

Students: *jerk back to life* WE WERE TOTALLY PAYING ATTENTION JUST NOW!

Snape: I’m sure you were. Anyway, if anyone…ellipsis…

Students: OH COME ON!

Slytherins: Look how we’re just as terrified of him for the most part as the rest of you are. Dicks.

Snape: …has any idea what Potter’s been up to so far tonight or what his immediate plans are for the rest of the night…I invite them…to step forward.

Students: You done?

Snape: Almost, little bit more.

Students: M’kay.

Snape: …

Students: …

Snape: …

Students: …

Snape: …

Students: …

Snape: …

Students: …

Snape: …

Students: …

Snape: …

Students: …

Snape: …

Students: …Um—

Snape: Now.

Students: *collectively facepalm*

Snape: *notices someone in the Ravenclaw section* OMFG CHO! What up, girl! Hey, didn’t you graduate last year?

Cho: O-Of course not! Wh-Where would you get that impression?

Snape: Me helping you pass your NEWT in Potions last year.

Cho: O-Oh. Right. *nervous giggle* Um, w-well, uh…

Seamus: Well this ain’t good.

Ginny: Any time, Harry…

Harry: I know, don’t nag! *walks out into the open*

Students: Le gasp!

Snape: Hey, man.

Harry: Hey.

Snape: You seem kind of pissed off at me.

Harry: Actually, I kind of admire you.

Snape: Really?

Harry: Yeah, you managed to seal up the castle and make it even more airtight than Dumbledore could. Well done, headmaster, well done indeed.

Snape: Oh, why thank you.

Harry: You still missed a bit though.

Entire Order of the Phoenix minus current Hogwarts staff: *enters dramatically, complete with a musical crescendo. Also Kingsley’s in front, guess he’s in charge, Iunno*

Neville and Dean: Not sure if we count as Order members or if we’re just in the DA, but we’re here too. And stuff.

Harry: It was a rather large bit, really, not quite sure how you managed to miss it.

Remus: Hey everyone! I’s a daddeh!

Students: Nice!

Bill: *gigglesnorts* Wouldn’t that’ve been great if that’s how people found out in the film?

Fleur: Of course not, that would mean having people find out in the film.

Bill: Oh right, my bad.

Harry: Anyway, back to me being super pissed about you taking over for that one guy that everyone loved and that you killed. Oh and blaming me was kinda low too.

Snape: Oh not this whiny ass shit again. Also could it be ANY MORE CLEAR THAT I FEEL SUPER GUILTY THAT I DID ALL THAT SHIT. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AMBIGUOUS WITH PEOPLE SECOND GUESSING THEMSELVES UNTIL THE VERY END.

Harry: Why don’t you tell the people about it?

Snape: Tell the people about what?

Harry: How you killed basically the one person on the planet who trusted you and would vouch for you in a heartbeat.

iheartmwpp: I love how I paused it right on his grr face.

Snape: Well I didn’t see you doing anything!

Harry: …Shut up!

Snape: No, let’s talk about this. Why didn’t you tell them about how you looked him in the eye, a man who had placed his trust in you, and how you just stood off to the side like a complete pussy as he died!

Harry: Wha—You told me to stay down there and keep quiet!

Snape: And you listen, did you?

Harry: Well I didn’t know you were gonna betray his trust and butcher him when he was defenseless, now did I?!

Snape: Your face annoys me. *draws wand*

McGonagall: MINE, BITCH! *pushes Harry out of the way*

Harry: *falls on his ass* Ow.

Snape: Oh shit, I am so fucking dead.

McGonagall: Damn straight, mothah fuckah.

Kingsley: Remus, why are you now cowering behind me?

Percy: I think you can see my forehead behind whichever twin this is. YAY I’M INVOLVED AGAIN APPARENTLY!

Audience: …Who are you again?

McGonagall: Why aren’t you attacking me?

Snape: Partly because I’m still on your side and don’t want to harm you, mostly because you’re gonna kick my ass and I wish to live as long as is possible for someone in my position.

McGonagall: Mind if I start, them? *starts throwing fire at him*

Snape: HOLY SHIT. *barely blocks it*

McGonagall: *throws more fire at him, walking steadily closer*

Snape: *backing up more and more, deflecting it so it takes out the Carrows* Fuck this, I’m out. Snape, vanish! *pulls his cloak around him, turning himself into a huge shadow thing that hops around like a fucking bunny or something*

McGonagall: What is that, a fucking Heartless? *waves wand around some more for some reason even though there’s no more fiyah* Also apparently I call him a coward right here, iheart never caught that.

Snape: *crashes out the window in a ball of black smoke—I mean Disapparates*

Harry: Welp, won’t be needing the robe for the rest of the movie. Or ever in my life ever again because we never wear robes ever.

McGonagall: *lights the lights in the great hall to thunderous applause by the students and another burst of Hedwig’s Theme*

Students: *applauding like mad and hugging each other in relief. Even a couple Slytherins here and there are visibly hugging and high fiving each other. Remember this*

Harry: I am not cheering.

Voldemort: ‘Cause I be in yo head again.

Harry: Yeah, last time you did that, didn’t I cause you unimaginable agony with the power of love?

Voldemort: I also monologue every time I meet you and insist that I must be the one to kill you, plus every time I try I use the Killing Curse. Do I look like a guy who learns from his mistakes?

Harry: You do not, no. *collapses to the stair things*

McGonagall: What’s with you?

Harry: World just got a little spinny, gimme a sec.

Students: …Did the lighting just change slightly darker and bluer or am I just stoned again?

Voldemort: Apparently I can change the weather. Clouds are scary because they’re far away and can make shit wet and occasionally electrocute people to death. Seriously, why are you freaking out right now.

Tiny baby Ravenclaw girl: I AM SCREAMING. And I would ponder why He-Who-Can-Suddenly-Feel-It-When-His-Horcruxes-Are-Destroyed-In-This-Film-Despite-Not-Being-Able-To-In-Previous-Films-Because-The-Filmmakers-Have-Never-Heard-Of-Continuity chose me to broadcast his voice into first if I wasn’t too busy SCREAMING.

McGonagall: Oh hey, a little girl is screaming. But she’s not in Gryffindor so I don’t care.

Harry: WOW you suck. *walks over to her* You okay?

Tiny baby Ravenclaw girl: *hands clamped over her ears* DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’M FUCKING OKAY?!

Harry: *puts hands on his hips and grins* Are you hearing the voices?

Tiny baby Ravenclaw girl: I sure am! *they laugh heartily*

Padma: I AM SCREAMING TOO. THIS IS KIND OF ANNOYING THAT HE PICKED GIRLS TO TALK TO FIRST AND OF COURSE GIRLS WOULD TOTALLY BE STEREOTYPICALLY SCREAMING LIKE THIS EVEN THOUGH NONE OF THEM DO AFTER US TWO. Although maybe he just told us to scream or something.

Harry: Hey Padma, you all ri—HOLY SHIT VOLDEMORT.

Voldemort: And now I’m talking to the rest of you. How exactly am I doing this, last time I just did a loudspeaker announcement type thing. Anyway, y’all will probably wanna fight and crap, and many of you might believe that dying for your beliefs is a noble goal. But…I’ve got, like, three thousand guys, and you have…what, a dozen adults? And the rest of you are childrens who’ve been extremely ill-trained all year? All I want is Harry Potter, since even though he’s beaten me numerous times in the past, this time he has no chance. Ha ha.

Voldecho: …folly…folly…Potter…Potter…

Voldemort: Yeah, just give me Harry Potter and I won’t slaughter you all, how’s that for an idea. I won’t even blow up the castle. Hell, I might just leave the Quidditch pitch untouched! YOU HAVE ONE HOUR. AND THEN I SHALL GIVE YOU ANOTHER HOUR.

Students: Oh hey, it’s all bright and cheerful again. Now…what to do about Potter, since we kind of want to live…

Harry: Frankly, I’m probably completely fine with just turning myself in, you don’t have to persuade me—

Pansy: NOT THE QUIDDITCH FIELD! SEND HIM TO THE DEATH EATERS RIGHT NOW!

Ginny: BITCH I KNOW YOU AIN’T TALKIN’ ‘BOUT MY MAN! *runs in front of him*

McGonagall: I’m just standing here.

Dumbledore’s Army of the Phoenix: *crowds around him*

Harry: Can’t…breathe…

Filch: *runs up, singing* Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan/Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan—

Mrs. Norris: Can’t believe it took us this long to do a Nyan Cat reference. Also I’m not entirely sure we used enough nyans…

McGonagall: They are supposed to be out of bed, you mediocre dunce!

Filch: …Meow…

McGonagall: As it happens, Mr. Filch, you came just in time for me to discipline an entire group of people based on the actions of one of them because we’re learning so much from this war. Take Mrs. Parkinson and the rest of these filthy Slytherins out of my sight.

A few of the Slytherins: Hey, some of us are just as happy as you are that Snape’s gone and want to do our part to help fight The-Guy-Who’s-Only-Going-To-Make-Us-His-Slaves-If-We-Join-Him! WE’RE ON YOUR SIDE!

Slughorn: This doesn’t count me, does it?

McGonagall: No, but only because you’re the only Slytherin who has ever done and who ever will do anything decent and useful for our side.

Harry: Regulus…Narcissa…Snape, we’ll find out soon…Andromeda, I’m pretty sure…A few other decent characters whose House we don’t know, probably…those couple Slytherins who just said they don’t suck—

McGonagall: THE ONLY DECENT SLYTHERIN IN HISTORY.

Filch: Meow meow prrrrrrrrrrrrr meow meow meow?

McGonagall: Lock ‘em in the dungeons, which apparently have bars and torture implements and the like now, thanks to the Carrows. Let’s give ‘em a taste of their own medicine.

Slytherins: THAT’S THE DEATH EATERS THAT DID THAT, NOT THE MAJORITY OF US!

McGonagall: ALL SLYTHERINS ARE DEATH EATERS SO YOU ARE ALL GUILTY.

Slytherins: …You’re kind of a terrible human being.

Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, and Ravenclaws: YAY FOR DISCRIMINATING AGAINST SOMEONE WITH DIFFERENT PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT THEY CAN’T REALLY HELP AND HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO GROW OUT OF YAAAAAAAY!

Harry: I was holding your hand, apparently.

Ginny: That’s nice.

McGonagall: Hey, Potter. What the fuck are you doing here?

Harry: There’s no time to explain!

McGonagall: Okay, just tell me what you need me to do.

Harry: Give me more time!

McGonagall: …

Slytherins: See how we’re just meekly following the powerless Squib and not trying to leave and join the Death Eaters or grab Potter or fight in any way?

McGonagall: Whatever, Imma go secure the castle. Potter, do whatever the hell you want.

Harry: Thank you! *starts to leave*

McGonagall: Potter.

Harry: *turns back*

McGonagall: You have a “Kick Me” sign on your back.

Neville: Damn it, you weren’t supposed to tell him!

Harry: …I will kill you all. *grips Neville’s arm* You’re first, you prick.

Portraits: Hey, remember how portraits move and things? Well check out how we’re still moving! Aaaaand why are we leaving, the worst thing that’ll happen is that our painting gets damaged, I don’t think that even hurts, and where are we even going to, do we live in a different dimension, do the settings we were painted in include safe rooms?

Students: Hey, you know how in the book we all get herded to the Room of Requirement so we can take the passage into Hogsmeade and therefore be safe from The-One-Who’s-Gonna-Show-Up-Any-Second-With-His-Army-And-Kill-Us-All? WELL NOW WE’RE RUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE IN A BLIND PANIC WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Harry: How are we running into people coming down the stairs, weren’t we all in the Great Hall just now, shouldn’t everyone be running up various stairs? Or did these guys not make it to the mandatory school assembly, the lucky sods? Wait, wouldn’t Snape have noticed if this many people were missing? Look at these kids, I think this is way more than who was in the Great Hall!

Ron: Never mind that now, the rest of the movie won’t matter anyway. Finding the rest of the Horcruxes doesn’t matter.

Harry: What the fuck you on about?! Finding the rest of the Horcruxes is the only way to make sure this series finally ends! I WANNA GRADUATE ALREADY, DAMN IT.

Ron: Thought you didn’t go back to Hogwarts after this.

Harry: …Shaddup!

Hermione: Let him finish, asshole! We need to come up with a way to destroy them, or finding them’ll be useless!

Ron: So I had this idea—

Hermione’s eyebrows: We should never have come back to Hogwarts, ‘cause now we’re going haywire again. But anyway, we should totally follow anything and everything Ron does from now on, ‘cause this is borderline fucking awesome.

Ron: The first and only Horcrux you destroyed was with a basilisk fang, right?

Harry: Yeah…

Ron: So we were gonna head down to the Chamber of Secrets and grab a couple other ones. ‘N stuff.

Harry: Okay. *reaches into the back of his trousers* Okay, but take the only remaining useful magical artifact I seem to own so we can meet up later. *hands Ron the Marauder’s Map*

Ron: …Wait, have you been keeping that up your ass?

Harry: …Noooo…

Ron: Moony will be hearing about this.

Harry: Oh come on! *turns to leave*

Hermione: Where’re you going?

Harry: Ravenclaw common room, because I totally know where that is and how to get in without the help of a Ravenclaw. *runs upstairs*

Ron: …Are these kids running back to their common rooms or just running around aimlessly?

Hermione: No idea, now let’s go!

Luna: I’m onscreen now! HARRY! YOU’RE GOING THE ENTIRELY WRONG DIRECTION, DUMBASS! *runs after him* 

~Where does one get purple corduroy trousers?~

Neville: …You fo realz, Professor?

McGonagall: Fo shizzle, yo.

Neville: We can really blow up a part of the castle?

McGonagall: BOOM!

Entire theater: *bursts out laughing*

Neville: Sweeeeeeet. But my confringo has never been all that spectacular…If only Ginny were with us right now, I’m sure her reducto could easily pull it off—

McGonagall: Or you could just talk to Mr. Finnigan, shit’s always blowing up when he’s around in the films.

Seamus: Fuckin’ A.

McGonagall: Well? Blow shit up already!

Neville and Seamus: ALL RIGHTY THEN!

Cho: I’m gonna help too!

Seamus: …Really?

Cho: What, girls aren’t allowed to like explosions?

Seamus: Suddenly you’re so much more awesome.

Flitwick: This isn’t going to keep out He-Who-Cannot-Be-Kept-Out-Indefinitely indefinitely.

McGonagall: Potter only asked for as much time as we can give him, so we’re going to try for as long as we can. Aaaaaand iheart ran out of cool shit to call him like three parodies ago, let’s just call him Voldemort and have done with it.

Molly: Ohhh snap!

McGonagall: We’re all gonna die anyway, so fuck it. *turns around and raises wand* Piertotum locomotor!

Statue #1: *falls down and lands on his knee, striking a badass pose* FUCK YEAH, STATUES TRACK! Seriously, use this in every trailer ever.

McGonagall: I hear other statues falling, but I’m not seeing any when the camera pans back, that’s weird.

Statue #2: THIS IS THE HYPEST SHIT!

Statue #3: YEAH, AMERICA!

McGonagall: Scotland.

Statue #3: WHATEVER!

McGonagall: Aaaand now there’s five million of them.

Statues: We’re not exactly walking in time with the music, but NO ONE CARES THIS IS AWESOME.

Flitwick: I’m gonna hide behind them on the front lines, see if I can help them in any way.

McGonagall: Do your duty!

Molly: Heh heh, you said duty.

Statues: Now our footsteps sound in synch with the music.

McGonagall: *giggling* I’ve always wanted to use that spell.

Molly: …You always wanted the small children you’re in charge of protecting to be in such danger that they would be the last line of defense should you and the rest of the staff get brutally murdered.

McGonagall: YEP!

Audience: *cackling hysterically*

Molly: …I’m just gonna stand over here and continue to be worried that none of my children will make it out of here alive.

McGongall: You do that.

Flitwick: Oh, right, before I join those guys I should probably put a force field up around the school. Why have we never done that before. *raises wand* Protego maxima. Fianto duri. Repello inimicum. *what look like tiny little incorporeal Patronuses shoot out of his wand over and over again*

Slughorn: What he said. *same effect*

Molly: I’M BEING USEFUL. WHO SAYS MY ONLY USE WAS IN THE KITCHEN. FUCK ALL Y’ALL, MY SPELLS ARE JUST AS POWERFUL AS THESE ASS-CLOWNS.

Students: We could probably help as well since they’re saying the incantations over and over again, but fuck it, we’ll just stand here and watch.

Force field: *looks pretty damn awesome, especially how the separate pieces all connect together and stuff…though it looks oddly veiny where the lights start to branch out into the shield itself…*

Dementors: Wonder if this is made up of Patronuses or something, since we seem to be leaving rather quickly now…

Force field: *is getting brighter and brighter the more it’s branching out*

Stupid fucking bridge thing: *exists*

Several figures holding lit wands: *sing-song voice* Not for LOOOOOOONG!

Luna: We’re back inside now! And Harry, you really shouldn’t be going that way!

Harry: Luna, could you just give me a second to push past all these people who really shouldn’t be up here since this is really far away from the Great Hall where we all just were and there’s no reason and no way for them to have run this far up into the castle so quickly especially if they’re not going to choose a place to hide and are instead just providing needless obstacles and whose only purpose is to heighten the sense of panic the audience should be feeling which is kind of hard when you add this epictastic soundtrack?

Luna: That’s great, but seriously, come back down here for a second, would you?

Harry: Not right now, Luna, I don’t have time to listen to any of your made-up crap. Maybe after the fighting’s over we’ll need a laugh to distract us from all the death surrounding everything, but right now you’re kind of useless.

Luna: FUCK YOU, HARRY POTTER, I’M TRYING TO SAVE EVERYONE’S LIFE.

Harry: *abruptly stops and turns around* …Who the fuck is that bald guy.

Luna: Don’t you remember what Cho said about the tiara?

Harry: No, even though it was like five minutes ago, please remind me.

Luna: Of course. She said that there’s not a person alive aside from Voldemort who’s seen it.

Harry: So what, we should just ask Voldemort where it is, then?

Luna: No, that’s just silly. We should talk to dead people instead.

Harry: …You terrify me. *is distracted by the shiny* Wow that shield thing’s bright.

Luna: Preeeeettyyyyy…

Flitwick: I just noticed that these statues’ shields represent all four Houses. Pity that not a single Slytherin is doing a damn thing to help us.

Slughorn: Oh fuck all of you.

~DOWN WITH SLYTHERIN. And Hufflepuff. And Ravenclaw. NOTHING MATTERS BUT GRYFFINDOR.~

Review or McGonagall will kick yo ass, bitch! X3


	5. Teh THIS IS WHY THEY SHOULDN’T’VE MESSED WITH THE TIMELINE

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from the book/movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other book, movie, or game in the series, Brave, Nostalgia Critic, some more lines from yoneld’s Battle of Hogwarts parody, or Wizard Rock.

~Oh good, it looks like all the kids finally made it to a safe spot or were evacuated. Good thing we won’t see any of them running around in a panic for the rest of the movie!~

Luna: So there’s a vague possibility that she’s down there somewhere maybe.

Movie watchers: Wait, who is Luna talking about, I don’t get it.

Book readers: Um, ghosts? Like the ones always floating around the school like always? Duh?

Movie watchers: OH YEAH! Wow, that takes us back, there haven’t really been any ghosts hovering around since Film Four.

Book readers: …Wow, I think you’re right. Huh. Way to ignore that detail and keep making it like your average British boarding school by continuously ignoring all the magic and whimsy.

Harry: Should’ve kept the Map, it totally shows ghosts. Wonder if the Marauders noticed the name Helena Ravenclaw and asked her about it, or if it just said the Grey Lady. The Map never lies, so…Anyway, aren’t you coming with me? It might be easier to convince her to help me out if someone she already trusts backs me up.

Luna: Nope! Have fun!

Harry: Joy. *walks forward* I have a creepy shadow and this is a creepy long-ass corridor. That was a random burst of whitish light, are they still working on the shield some more? Oh hey, a ghost.

Audience: …She looks more solid than most ghosts.

Helena: I voiced Merida in Brave. Insert reference here.

Harry: Cool, I liked that movie, it was nice. And it’s nice to I think finally see the Grey Lady, it’s cool that we have a sort of backstory for every House ghost except the Fat Friar because who cares about Hufflepuff anyway.

Helena: I find your lack of compassion for anyone who isn’t in your House disturbing. *starts to float away, turning almost silver as she does so*

Harry: YOU ARE THE GHOST OF ROWENA RAVENCLAW’S DAUGHTER.

Helena: Did Luna tell you that?

Harry: Would’ve heard it from Nick, I suppose, if he hadn’t finally been accepted into the Headless Hunt. That’s the only excuse I can think of for not being here since the second film. As it is, it’s your help I need now.

Helena: You want my mother’s tiara thingy.

Harry: Yup!

Helena: And here I thought Luna was nice. I told her I didn’t want to hear about that damn tiara anymore, and the first thing she does is send people after me who want it. Aaand I can apparently transform into a Patronus at will. And no, I don’t know why I just floated through you when I could’ve easily avoided you, as I seem so keen on doing.

Harry: Okay, that was weird…Oh come on already, don’t float where I can’t walk! *climbs up onto whatever that thing is* I WANNA KILL IT.

Helena: *stops floating abruptly*

~But enough of that gripping scene, let’s go to something more boring. VOLDEMORT WITH A BUNCH OF DUDES.~

Voldemort: *walking through a massive mob of Death Eaters to the front of the cliff thing* Seriously, this is like five times the student population at Hogwarts, I feel like I have the wizarding population of like three different countries here. In the books I had like fifty guys or less, where the hell did all these people come from? And this isn’t even including the Snatchers! And…Oh, I think I did see some women here and there, that would’ve been weird if I only had dudes in this group. But seriously, I’m starting to think the cutting down of Mudbloods and blood traitors and stuff is just population control at this point, look at all these fuckers. HOLY SHIT A BLACK GUY.

Hogwarts: ‘Sup.

Voldemort: Awwww, they actually tried to protect it a little! That’s adorable!

Pius: *steps forward* My Lord? You promised them ONE HOUR. Aren’t you going to wait for ONE HOUR? 

Creepy, veined shot of the back of Voldemort's head: *is creepy and veined. And a shot of the back of Voldemort's head*

Pius: You’re absolutely right, that was a stupid idea that makes you look weak as a villain. You should absolutely go slaughter everyone.

Voldemort: I do believe I shall. *faces forward again* Begin.

Death Eaters all the way in the back: …How did we all hear you this far back? *start shooting spells in the vague direction of the force field…and they’re all rather pretty. Dark wizards, making pretty spells. That’s…odd…*

Yami: Look at all the pretty lights!

Pretty lights: *hit force field and cause loud explody noises*

~We now return you to your previously scheduled grinding halt.~

Harry: I haven’t moved at all since the scene cut away. But isn’t that what you want, Helena?

Helena: I forget, it’s been so long, what are we talking about?

Harry: Would you stop floating away when I’m trying to talk to you? *goes to another window thing* Seriously, you’re being very rude right now, all I’m trying to do is destroy a priceless artifact that belonged to your mother, is that so much to ask?

Helena: Someone tried that once before. An obviously evil boy with a weird name.

Harry: Tom Riddle’s really not that weird of a name compared to most other names in this fucked-up joint.

Helena: He’s a lying liar who lies.

Harry: That’s happened a lot.

Helena: *flies all up in his face* I’M ACTUALLY REALLY FRIGHTENING RIGHT HERE. I THINK THEY DID SOMETHING TO MY FACE TO MAKE IT WIG OUT MORE, PLUS THEY ADDED SOME WEIRD SOUND EFFECTS WHENEVER I SAY SOMETHING.

Harry: Did that have a point?

Helena: HE TARNISHED THE TIARA WITH DARK MAGIC.

Harry: And how does that make you feel?

Helena: REALLY FUCKING PISSED OFF!

Harry: You certainly hide it well.

Helena: *flies away again, but it’s obvious that she wanted to help Harry, since she floats over to where he can easily get to her again instead of floating through or over a wall to Merlin knows where*

Harry: My friends are off finding basilisk fangs. They’re the only things we know of that can destroy it. But we won’t be able to if we don’t know where it is, and I think Voldemort’s employing Occlumency against me again in that aspect because I’ve never been able to figure out what it is much less where it is. Heh, you know at first I thought it was a random Ravenclaw banner?

Helena: That was his original idea until he weaseled the location of the tiara out of me.

Harry: Huh. No kidding. And I bet he told you where he hid it as well, since even though he barely discussed the Horcruxes with his most trusted followers he totally told a ghost he manipulated and probably didn’t trust all that much with the secret of the location of a fragment of his soul, amirite?

Helena: Well of course.

Harry: So could you please tell me? We’re wasting time here, the school’s gonna blow up if we don’t get a move on.

Helena: *turns slowly to face him and slowly starts to move around him*

Harry: …Um…

Helena: I’m shorter than you.

Harry: WE NEED TO HANG OUT MORE OFTEN.

Helena: Also you’re eerily similar to Riddle.

Harry: I…unfortunately get that a lot.

Helena: It’s here. In the castle.

Harry: Knew that.

Helena: In the place where everything is hidden.

Harry: That could be a few different places.

Helena: If you have to ask, you’ll never know. If you know, you need only ask.

Nostalgia Critic: …Um, Pop Tar—

Random Zen master: IT’S NOT POP TARTS.

Harry: I actually know exactly what you’re talking about. Thanks so much, Person I’m Never Going To See Again! *runs off*

Helena: *turns back into a Patronus and flies off*

Harry: *runs down a staircase that is once again filled with people* Okay, seriously? This is like twenty minutes later, I refuse to believe that none of you have exited through the Room of Requirement or haven’t found a place to hide in your common rooms or something yet, this is getting ridiculous.

Kingsley: We’re now over with us and stuff, with the only two consistently cast and named black people in the entire film series chatting casually with each other. Dean, tell Professor McGonagall that Remus and I are so epically badass that we can totally handle everything that happens on this side of the castle by ourselves.

Dean: Absolutely. Hey, Professor.

Remus: Hey, Dean. Damn you got tall.

Dean: I know, it’s awesome!

Kingsley: …

Force field: *is really quite pretty despite the explosions meaning that it’s gonna dissolve any second*

Kingsley: …Dean, I changed my mind, we’re gonna need a lot more help over here.

Arthur, Fred, and George: We just got here, ass monkey.

Kingsley: Don’t care, grab more people.

Dean: What made you change your mind?

Kingsley: PANTS TO BE DARKENED.

Dean: Ah. And I suppose that as a member of the DA and a basically fully-trained wizard for the most part that I totally don’t count.

Kingsley: YYYYEP!

Dean: You’re a dick. *leaves*

Remus: It is the quality of one’s convictions that determines success, not the number of followers. And I know that was kind of a weak line read, but I think it can be forgiven since we’re all obviously under a lot of pressure.

Kingsley: Who said that?

Remus: …Dude, I’m right next to you, it should’ve been pretty easy to tell.

Kingsley: Yes, I got that part, I’m just wondering who you’re quoting from.

Remus: What, you’re saying that I’m not clever enough to have thought that up on my own or something?

Kingsley: Wait, you did make that up?

Remus: Yah!

Kingsley: When, just now?

Remus: Presumably, yes.

Kingsley: …Okay…

Remus: Exactly why is that so hard for you to believe?

Kingsley: I dunno, I guess I just assumed Dumbledore—

Remus: Dumbledore is not the only person who can pull random crap out of their ass and make it sound good, you know.

Kingsley: Well, yes, but—

Remus: What, is it because I was never an Auror or something that you think so little of me?

Kingsley: Of course not! Hell, if it weren’t for your condition I’d say you’d make a fine Auror!

Harry: Is this the moment?

Remus: Oh, so it’s because I’m a werewolf then, is that it?!

Kingsley: What—No! No, of course not! Look, can we just forget this—

Remus: Not until you apologize, I won’t!

Harry: OI! THERE’S A WAR GOING ON HERE!

Audience: *watching the original version before I tore it to shreds* AHAHAHAHA…ha…ha…yeah, that was forced.

Kingsley: WHY IS EVERYTHING EXPLODING.

Remus: Don’t ask me.

Tonks: *running onto the battlements* Hello, sweetie. *runs into Remus’s arms*

Remus: *breaks the hug* WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE. IF WE BOTH DIE THEN OUR BABY BOY WILL BE AN ORPHAN. I’VE SEEN HARRY. HE’S FUCKED UP AS SHIT. I DO NOT WANT TEDDY TO TURN OUT THAT WAY.

Tonks: Yeah, but I don’t want him to grow up without a father, either. And this isn’t like Muggle warfare where battles are often fought on foreign land across seas where transportation is limited. Even if this were fought somewhere else, we’re still wizards, we can fucking teleport, so I have the option open for me to join the fight if I want. Which I just did.

Remus: How are you even moving as well as you are, how old is Teddy, less than a month or something? You shouldn’t be recovered this quickly…Come to think of it, considering this is only six months after the wedding, does that mean that Teddy was born prematurely or that you were definitely pregnant during the Seven Harrys scene? If the latter’s true, HOLY FUCK WE’RE IRRESPONSIBLE PARENTS.

Tonks: I know, isn’t it awesome?!

Remus: …

Tonks: Getting back to my point, suppose you die in this fight.

Remus: That is a likely possibility, yes, I knew that going in.

Tonks: Exactly, and if you died and I did nothing to help when I very clearly could have, I would feel guilty for the rest of my life and forever wonder whether if I had gone to help you, maybe you would still be alive, and Teddy would probably forever resent me for depriving him of his father.

Remus: As opposed to how both of us might die if we’re both here? Which we’re totally going to?

Tonks: Hey, I don’t know that, and two wands are better than one, yeah?

Remus: If you say so. Where is our little miracle, anyway?

Tonks: At Mum’s, and don’t you worry about him, he’ll sleep till dawn and snore like his father. Because apparently you snore. ‘S gonna be a lot of Marauder fics that’re suddenly missing a detail…

Remus: …You know how babies work, right? How they’re well known for waking every few hours or less and screaming hysterically for a nipple?

Tonks: Eh, he’ll be fine, I sung him that lullaby you wrote for him and everything, he knows we’ll be home for him when the battle’s done.

Remus: Awwww. *snogs her*

Kingsley: Urgh, get a Chamber of Secrets, you two.

Remus and Tonks: *muffled due to snogging* No.

George: Any last words, Freddy?

Fred: I who am about to die salute you.

George: Awesome.

~WHY DID I JUST WRITE ANY OF THIS. ALL THE TEARS. ALL THE FUCKING TEARS.~

Ron: I have no idea what language this is. Erm…Watashi wa…kimi ni…abierto. Desu.

Door: …Wut.

Ron: I don’t know, just open.

Door: OKAY! *opens*

Hermione: How do you know bastardized Parseltongue? Which I really should’ve asked you back up at the sinks. Also how is it we’re not coated in slime and stuff, and how are we gonna get back up without broomsticks or something.

Ron: I don’t know, but Harry evidently murmurs Parseltongue in his sleep. I like to stay up and watch him and…take notes on what he says. *creepy grin*

Audience: …Kloves shipping Harry/Ron again?

Hermione: I TOTALLY DO NOT. REALLY. HONEST. YOU’VE GOT TO BELIEVE ME.

Audience: …Why. Just why.

Steve Kloves: I REFUSE TO GIVE UP ON H/HR.

Audience: Of course.

Door: *is open*

Hermione: Hey, the door’s open!

Ron: I HAD NO IDEA.

~NO! NOT THE QUIDDITCH FIELD!~

Camera: *pans from the burning remains of the Quidditch field through the force field and over to the stupid fucking bridge thing*

Seamus: …Okay, I’m better at spontaneously and accidentally blowing shit up, what the hell is all this crystal shit and why am I putting random test tubes in it? Where would wizards even get test tubes?!

Neville: I just heard something blow up. Yo Seamus!

Seamus: I am ignoring you.

Neville: SEAMUS!

Seamus: Oh for the love of…what already?! This is kind of a delicate procedure here!

Neville: What’s that random green mat thing that’s suddenly at the bottom of the bridge, is that part of the plan?

Seamus: No, I thought you and the Unprepared Trio of They Have No Idea What They’re Doing set it up before you came up to the Room of Requirement.

Neville: …Nooo…

Seamus: Oh. Well I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.

Neville: …Sure. Anyway, you’re sure this’ll work and you know what you’re doing and everything else?

Seamus: Not a bit! *starts walking across one of the logs on the bottom*

Neville: …We’re all gonna die, aren’t we. *here’s a noise and looks over at the forest* …The hell did Hagrid’s hut go. Hell, where’s Hagrid, haven’t seen him all movie.

Snatchers: *are just as numerous as the Death Eaters. Somehow. The purebloods are supposed to be very few and far between, how’d they manage to wrangle together this many people, I don’t really think the half-bloods would’ve been that enthused to join up with these guys*

Neville: …That is a lot of people. It sure would’ve helped if the Stonehenge rip-off was still here to block a few of these guys momentarily.

Scabior: HOLD UP, THERE’S A SHIELD THING. *somehow skids to a halt despite the impractical as hell shoes*

Three or four Snatchers: *explode. Prettily and magically, so it’s okay*

Neville: Oh wow, I just witnessed several consecutive deaths. If I couldn’t see thestrals before, I sure as hell can now.

Snatchers: *skid to a halt—holy crap, there are some women mixed in with them as well! YAY EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES TO BE EVIL FUCKHEADS!*

Neville: YEAH! BRING IT MOTHERFUCKERS! *moons them*

Snatchers: …

Scabior: Eh, I’d hit it.

~WHY ARE ALL THE SNATCHERS IN MUGGLE CLOTHING.~

Review or you won’t get an opportunity to blow up a chunk of your school.


	6. Teh FIENDFYRE IS FANTASTICALLY FUN AND JUNK

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from the book/movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other book, movie, or game in the series, Airplane!, 2001: A Space Odyssey, A Very Potter Musical, Lord of the Rings, a couple more lines I stole from yoneld’s Battle of Hogwarts parody, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, A Very Potter Sequel, Dragonball Z Abridged, or horrible Engrish J-Pop.

~AND NOW WE’RE BACK IN THE CHAMBER. I’m starting to not bother with the scene breaks anymore, Merlin knows it’ll get more and more chaotic when the time to kill Nagini rolls around.~

Ron: …I know it’s been, like, five years, but this is supposed to be a magical snake of magic magicalness, I refuse to believe that it decomposed this quickly, especially the scales and things. *takes one snake fang for now* I’ll grab more later, first let’s destroy this thing*

Hermione: M’kay. *takes Hufflepuff’s cup out of her bag*

Ron: You want a go?

Hermione: Not really…

Ron: Come on, you haven’t had a shot yet.

Hermione: I can’t, though.

Ron: Why, has carrying it around in your bag affected you?

Hermione: Not to my knowledge, I just really don’t wanna do it.

Ron: Come on, girl power, all that crap. *takes cup and hands Hermione fang, kneeling down and placing cup on floor* Still can’t believe they rebuilt this set.

Hermione: Yeah, it’s kind of cool, aside from the fact that it’s probably all greenscreen considering we don’t have to clamber around on Slytherin’s head this time. *kneels down as well*

Leslie Nielson: I just wanted to tell you both, good luck. We’re all counting on you.

Hufflepuff’s cup: What are you doing, Dave?

Harry: WHY AM I STILL PUSHING MY WAY THROUGH STUDENTS. THIS IS GETTING OLD.

Ron: *bursts into Engrish J-pop* Hey, hey, hey, I think you can do it—

Hermione: Please stop. *raises fang and slams it into the cup*

Voldemort: OWIE!

Hufflepuff’s cup: *spins away into the water, which begins to rise around them…shouldn’t it have done that before Hermione destroyed it? It should be dead now, this implies that it’s still clinging to life and that you have to hit it again or something.

Harry: Whoa I need to sit down.

Water: *swirls around*

Ron and Hermione: Not good, not good, not good… *running backwards*

Water: *still going crazy, occasional glimpses of Voldefaces can be seen*

Ron and Hermione: *are now drenched*

Voldemort: …Hold up, I’m not supposed to feel anything, that one Weasley was saying why I wasn’t able to last film, what the hell’s going on?

Harry: You need to feel it because I need to feel it, so that I can use my Spidey Sense to locate the other fragments of your soul instead of being smart about the plot two films ago and also Hermione needs to figure out that I’m a Horcrux because she has to be super special awesome like that because Steve Kloves is still writing these things unfortunately. Though he’s not really failing as badly this time…mostly…

Ron: …

Hermione: …

Ron and Hermione: *grab each other and start to furiously make out*

The crowd: *am going wild*

Water: *starts to settle*

Ron and Hermione: *pull away and giggle*

Ron: *belts out a massive war cry as he raises his arms in victory* LET’S GO KILL VOLDEMORT!

~You know…they were in a pretty private place…and Harry wasn’t there this time…and they were all wet…FANFIC FODDER NO JUTSU.~

Voldemort: NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! *sends a continuous jet of white light from the Elder Wand straight at the shield*

McGonagall: This does not bode well.

Force field: *is bluish and slowly peeling away at parts*

Ginny: I’m still in the movie!

Remus: Pity that one scene was cut, eh?

Tonks: No kidding.

Book readers: …When did Tonks get there? Also NOOOOOOO! YOU JUST HAD A FUCKING CHILD, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, HE NEEDS AT LEAST ONE PARENT, GO BACK TO HIM!

Movie watchers: Wait, she had a kid? What the hell’re you talking about?

Book readers: FUCKING MOVIES!

Tonks: HOLD MY HAND, MY BELOVED!

Remus: I CAN’T REACH!

Tonks: …So move closer.

Remus: You move closer!

Statue #35: Is it me, or does the shield thing look like it’s burning at the parts where it’s disintegrating now?

Elder Wand: Can we cut this out, I’m tired.

Voldemort: What is with this thing?

Camera: *does an epic close-up of the Elder Wand to show it splitting and cracking and stuff*

Book readers: Huh. Didn’t think a thestral hair would be white.

Voldemort: Either that took a lot outta me or losing part of my soul took a lot outta me. Like, Iunno, a piece of my soul or something. *panting* Eh, whatever, at least the shield is slowly but surely collapsing in on itself now.

Harry: Hey cool, the Elder Wand’s weakening. Maybe if I can find a way to break it…

Students who are still panicking around him: Why do none of us have our wands out? You’d think at least when Snape was teaching DADA last year and Dumbledore actually made him make us learn stuff that we’d know something useful. I guess if you’re not in the DA you’re just useless.

Force field: *is now burning over the stupid fucking bridge thing. Surprised falling fragments don’t set the damn thing on fire or anything*

Scabior: *nudges one of the falling burning fragments out of the way with his wand* Hmm…I just witnessed the shield thing collapse in front of me. I WONDER IF THE SHIELD’S STILL UP.

Neville: You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Scabior: *hesitantly steps forward and smirks at Neville upon not exploding* Excellent, all of us now have a clear shot at Longbottom! LET’S RUN AFTER HIM!

Snatchers: YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHH! *all start running forward*

Neville: Oh balls. *starts running as well*

Snatchers: *crowding in* Good thing this is a magic bridge, or it probably won’t be able to hold our weight. *throw hexes in Neville’s general direction*

Neville: I do not remember the bridge being this bendy…Not that I’m complaining…

Scabior: WHY CAN WE NEVER HIT ANYTHING.

Neville: Hope my aim’s gotten better! *throws an orange nonverbal spell at the side of the bridge*

Orange nonverbal spell: *hits all the thingies that Seamus and the others set up, setting off explosions under one half of the bridge*

Snatchers: Oh bugger. *start to fall to their deaths*

Scabior: Not cool, not cool, NOT COOL!

Neville: I AM RUNNING!

Book readers: *rejoice as the bridge that had no purpose and was really jarring when it popped up out of nowhere starting in the third film finally is no more*

Scabior: NO MY CHARACTER IS TOTALLY RELEVANT WHY IS THIS HAPPENIIIiiiing… *falls to his death with the others*

Ginny: …There’s not gonna be a single student who can’t see thestrals after this, is there.

Seamus: Not likely, no.

Neville: CRAP I DIDN’T RUN FAST ENOUGH! *falls out of sight*

Ginny: Neville!

Other students: *just stand there*

Ginny: Oh now don’t all go running off at once.

Seamus: Well I don’t see you doing anything!

Ginny: Don’t you take that tone with me—

Neville: *throws his wand up and starts to pull himself up* Um, guys? Little help?

Ginny and Seamus: SHUT UP!

Neville: Meep.

Death Eaters: And now that the defenses are gone, apparently we can just Apparate in because none of us could before even when that particular shield wasn’t up. THAT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE.

Filmmakers: Fuck cannon, we’re trying to make this look awesome.

Audience: …Crap, now I’m torn.

Good guys: Why did we never utilize this.

Giants: We got some of us here too. And stuff.

Audience: Ooooh, does that mean Grawp’s gonna help out?

Filmmakers: Who?

Audience: …

Giants: How are we not indiscriminately smashing everyone in sight.

Death Eaters: Dunno, but LET’S RUN EVEN THOUGH WE CAN APPARATE WHEEEEEEEE!

Statues: *get shields ready*

Flitwick: This ain’t gonna be pretty…

Giant #1: IMMA SMASH EVERYTHING.

Devil’s Snare: *conveniently choosing that moment to shoot up from the ground* No you’re not.

Giant #1: Damn it.

Death Eaters flying about in black smoke: *blasting a couple statues on their way over but not really paying them any mind*

Giant #2: I’m just gonna knock these things over.

Statues: Why do you look way more solid than Grawp did three films ago?

Giant #2: ‘Cause he was completely CGI where we’re actual actors and the computer only enhanced our makeup a little.

Statues: Ohhh, that’s pretty sweet, it makes you look a lot more realistic and isn’t jarring at all. Now could you please stop butchering us.

Giant #2: No. *smashes row after row of them*

Statue #23: *slams an ax into its leg* BRING IT DOWN, BRING IT DOWN, BRING IT DOWN!

Flitwick: *running away* THIS WAS A REALLY BAD IDEA!

Statues: WE’RE STILL MARCHING FORWARD.

Giants: NOT FOR LONG, YOU’RE NOT!

Death Eaters: *begin the long process of blowing up Hogwarts*

Everyone on the planet: *lets out the Sound of Ultimate Suffering*

People running into the castle proper for protection against the continuous explosions of the entrance courtyard thing: WHY DIDN’T YOU PUT THE PROTECTION SPELLS BACK UP TO BUY EVERYONE A FEW EXTRA MINUTES, IT TOOK LONG ENOUGH TO BREAK DOWN LAST TIME!

McGonagall: *is directing traffic* Who even are you people, you from Hogsmeade or what.

Random Death Eater: *blows his way through one of the windows where Remus, Tonks, Kingsley, Arthur, Fred, and George were hanging out with a couple other students. He blasts one with the Killing Curse, and I froze it, but it wasn’t anyone we knew as far as I could tell. For a second I thought they’d killed one of those guys on screen…* I THROW A KILLING CURSE AT YOU, SIR!

Arthur: You forget that everyone can use priori incantantem now, because that just makes so much sense.

Kingsley: *blasts a guy who just came through a different window back out the window* …Where the hell are we? I’ve never seen this part of the castle before.

Arthur: You know, I really have no idea.

Students: WE ARE STILL RUNNING EVERYWHERE EVEN A HALF HOUR LATER. You’d think at least half of us would’ve evacuated through the Room of Requirement by this point, but you’d be wrong.

Harry: I AM SHOULDERING MY WAY THROUGH THE STUDENTS ONTO THE STAIRCASE.

Random student #87: Ow, that was my foot, Harry!

Harry: Damn it, this sucks, especially since Voldemort now knows we’re hunting Horcruxes…And he’s never cared about the state of his soul before, there’s nothing stopping him from just grabbing a leaf off the ground, killing a random Death Eater or something, and making another Horcrux. Also why am I going downstairs, I thought the Room of Requirement was on the seventh floor—

Death Eater: RANDOM HEX THING!

Students: …Probably should’ve taken cover in a classroom or common room or evacuated the building instead of running around out in the open…

Harry: YA THINK?! STUPEFY!

Death Eater: Shit muffins. *crashes into a pillar where he probably cracked his skull and dieded*

Ginny: Oh hey, another death. This’ll be such a joy.

Some random student: GET YOUR COAT ON! *I am not even kidding*

Ginny: …Whoever said that needs to sort out their priorities.

Harry: Ginny! Neville! Dude…You okay?

Neville: I'VE GOT RASPBERRY JUICE ON MY FACE!

Harry: You might want to get that looked at.

Neville: This adrenaline rush is awesome! And now for the pairing off of the remaining supporting cast. Seen Luna anywhere?

Harry: Near where the Grey Lady apparently normally hangs out, but I haven’t seen her since, why?

Neville: I WANT TO HAVE A SUMMER FLING WITH HER AND IF IT DOESN’T WORK OUT HOPEFULLY WE CAN STILL BE FRIENDS EVEN IF WE GO OFF AND MARRY OTHER PEOPLE ONCE WE FIND OUT WE’RE NOT RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER AFTER ALL BECAUSE SOMETIMES THAT HAPPENS WITH RELATIONSHIPS. *runs off*

Ginny: *grabs Harry and kisses him lukewarmly* I know.

Harry: …You know what?

Ginny: Apparently “I know that we love each other.”

Harry: …More like “I know that we have no chemistry and it’s kind of surprising that we actually work out in the end, which kind of sets up this example that you’re supposed to find true love in high school when oftentimes that’s really not what happens and JKR should be setting a better example than this since that’s usually what she’s best at.”

Ginny: Yeah…

Harry: …Right then. *runs off*

Ginny: FOCUS ON ME RUNNING UP THE STAIRS. DO IT.

Filch: *locks gate* Meow meow, prrrrrrr, prrrrrrrrrr.

Pansy: Oi, I think McGonagall only meant that you should escort us back to the common room! Hell, she really should’ve told you to escort us out of the castle so we wouldn’t cause any more damage! Or, you know, die horribly. But no, instead we’re locked in the bottom layer of a castle that’s about to explode any minute. Sure we’re in the basement, arguably the safest place there is, but on the other hand if the entire castle collapses then the weight would crush through even the top of the basement and completely annihilate us! *gasps* Holy shit, that shriveled old harpy really does mean to see us dead! What an exceptional role model she is for authority figures everywhere!

Wall: *explodes*

Filch: …Mreow? *turns around*

Pansy: SEE?! WE’RE LUCKY THAT ONLY BROKE THE GATE OFF, ANOTHER FOOT TO THE LEFT AND HALF OF US WOULD BE SPLATTERED OVER THE RUBBLE. *flees with the rest of the screaming students*

Filch: Meow meow mrow meow meow meow meow meow?

Pansy: I don’t know, why aren’t you falling over, we should’ve completely trampled you by now.

Malfoy: Apparently we can Apparate inside Hogwarts now, I don’t know why the Dark Lord doesn’t just go ahead and do that, it’d save a lot of time. *grabs Goyle and Zabini as they pass* C’mon, you two, I need cronies.

Goyle: Daaaah, okay.

Zabini: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON!

Malfoy: *drags them into another corridor* Wait, what happened to Crabbe?

Zabini: Got kicked out for possessing marijuana.

Malfoy: Bummer, man.

Filch: …FML.

~Surprised Filch is still even there, wouldn’t the Carrows have made an example of filthy Squibs like him?…HEY the school’s still blowing up. Why am I sad about a fictional castle when I wish something similar would happen to my old elementary school every time I pass it.~

Harry: This is so not fun…Damn, the Map’s gonna be useless after they rebuild this place…Hey, good thing the explosions around me stopped as soon as I got to the right wall. Huh, there’s no tapestry over it like there was all last year for some reason, wonder why that is… *closes eyes*

Ron: Check it out, this part of the castle hasn’t exploded yet. Hey Hermione, remember that one spell that can dry us off completely?

Hermione: I sure do!

Ron: …Ya gonna use it? Ever?

Hermione: Pfft, you make it sound like magic has some kind of practical value.

Ron: Good point. Anyway, this map is bloody huge, and there are so many folds and things, it’ll be impossible to find him quickl—

Hermione: FOUND HIM!

Ron: …The fuck is the Hall of Hexes and Poltergeist Passage. Are those the actual names of the corridors or did the Marauders just have fond memories of hex wars and getting Peeves to do things and named the halls themselves.

Hermione: Aaaand Harry’s not on the Map anymore, that’s lovely. If only we recognized the part where he disappeared as being up on the seventh floor since we know the castle pretty damn well after six years, but nooooo…

Ron: Castle’s falling apart.

Hermione: Awesome.

Ron: There was that one time when you and Harry were wondering if the Room of Requirement was Unplottable and/or that the Marauders just never found out about it. So maybe he’s there.

Hermione: I WANT TO BEAR YOUR CHILDREN.

Ron: I CAN WORK WITH THAT.

DOOR!: *is fading from existence*

Malfoy: Whoa, another few feet and the Room would’ve blown up, that was close. *grabs Goyle’s sleeve* Let’s go already!

Goyle: All right, don’t nag!

Zabini: WHEEEEE—shit, nearly tripped on the rubble. Where the fuck are we.

Goyle: I never know where we are.

Malfoy: Why does that not surprise me.

Harry: I AM NOW IN THE ROOM OF HIDDEN THINGS OR WHATEVER. And there is a lotta shit in here…What is that thing, an overgrown Venomous Tentacula? I know I was in the NEWT Herbology class last year but I don’t think I paid too much attention in that class ever so I really have no idea.

Possible Venomous Tentacula: Haaaaaaaaiiiiii.

Harry: … *passes a blurry boar statue, passes some other blurry indistinct things…and then passes the same blurry boar statue* Either I’m going in circles or there’s more than one of these things.

Cornish Pixies: Hey, we’ll basically be replacing the house-elf cameos for the movie, sorry about that.

Harry: Well at least they’re carrying something back from the second film. Also at least you’re never nearly as annoying as your video game counterparts in the films. *stops* There’s the high-pitched whistling I’ve been listening for! 

Diadem: *also does a creepy whisper thing* Okay, did you have to go with the direct reference to the Lord of the Rings, people were already calling this a ripoff without your help. You should’ve just stuck with the Goddamn whistle.

Harry: You know, these things would be much harder to find if they didn’t talk so much. *follows the whistle* Oi, soundtrack, pipe down, I’m trying to track down a Horcrux here! I…think it might be under this pile of rope by this weird what I think is a spherical astrolabe but I’m probably very wrong, considering I only got an A on that particular OWL in any case… *lifts rope and opens box* Oh yeah, this beautiful silver and diamond tiara looks totally tarnished, being perfectly preserved in this box and everything. Actually it looks really pretty. I’d try it on but it’ll probably do what the locket did, so… *starts to pick it up*

Malfoy: HAY GURL!

Harry: …Why always with the bullshit. Why.

Malfoy: The fuck’re you doing here, the fighting’s outside.

Harry: I’d ask you the same, but it’s well within your character to run and hide so I s’pose it’d be pointless.

Malfoy: I WANT MY WAND BACK.

Harry: You’re using a wand right now. I can tell since it’s pointed at my face.

Malfoy: It’s my mummy’s.

Harry: …The fuck do you have Narcissa’s wand, didn’t Dobby take it at the end of the last film?

Malfoy: Guess he dropped it before he Disapparated. And it’s an okay wand, but I want mine back. It doesn’t quite…understand me. Know what I mean? Eh? Eh? Know what I mean?

Harry: If that’s a metaphor for the parents not understanding the angsty emo teenager or whatever, then no, I can’t say I do know what you mean.

Malfoy: No, I mean using someone else’s wand and stuff.

Harry: Oh. Yeah, kind of, but yours is actually working quite well for me at the moment, think I’ll hold onto it.

Malfoy: Bugger.

Harry: So yeah, why didn’t you tell the adults who I was at the end of the first half?

Zabini: What’s he talking about?

Malfoy: D-Don’t worry about it.

Harry: It was so obviously me, I refuse to believe you didn’t notice, we’ve known each other for six years and even if we didn’t that disguise was fucking transparent.

Goyle: Come on, Draco. Don’t be a prat. Do him!

Malfoy: …Look, mate, I don’t know what kind of twisted fantasies are floating about in your head, but I want nothing to do with them.

Harry: *reaches for his wand*

Malfoy: I can’t wait to Disarm the shit out of you. THEN I’LL BE THE MASTER OF THE ELDER WAND, ME!

Hermione: Or I could just Disarm you right now.

Malfoy: Please don’t.

Hermione: Too late. Expelliarmus!

Malfoy: …Mum’s gonna be piiiissed…

Goyle: Avada kedavra! *hits something random*

Hermione: Shit. Stupefy! *hits the box with the diadem in it*

Harry: WHY DOES NO ONE WHO GOES TO HOGWARTS KNOW HOW TO AIM.

Diadem: WHEEEEEE! *flies up into the air and lands on top of a tower of chairs*

Harry: Well that’s gonna be fun to dig out.

Ron: YOU JUST TRIED TO KILL MY GIRLFRIEND. *inhuman roar, runs after the Slytherins* I’M IN A RAAAAGE! THIS IS THE MADDEST I’VE EVER BEEN!

Hermione: *smiles* I am going to marry that man.

Harry: *throwing chairs around*

Hermione: …The fuck are you doing.

Harry: Mind helping me, since you sent the Horcrux flying?

Hermione: That was a Horcrux?!

Harry: Yep. *reaches into the pile of chairs, pulls out pixie, throws it aside*

Cornish pixies: BIG MISTAKE, BRO. *all fly out at once*

Hermione: It’s hard to climb chairs with all these chairs in the way.

Harry: I know, right?

Hermione: Hang on, let’s try to move this bigass armchair perched precariously on top of these smaller wooden chairs—

Harry: No need, got it.

Hermione: Wow that’s shiny.

Harry: I know, I kind of regret that we have to destroy it. You got a basilisk fang on you?

Hermione: Yeah, a couple. Let’s climb down and see what Ron’s up to instead of just destroying it here and now.

Harry: YOU REALLY ARE THE BRIGHTEST WITCH OF YOUR AGE. *jumps down*

Hermione: *also jumps down*

Ron: FUCK EVERYTHING AND RUN AWAAAAYYY!

Hermione: What’s his problem?

Harry: And where’s that warm orange light coming from?

Ron: DO YOU NOT HEAR ME YELLING.

Harry: Evidently not.

Hermione: What is going on, I wonder?

Ron: *runs into view* I JUST SHIT MYSELF. *grabs Hermione and runs, leaving Harry to his fate* SINCE CRABBE ISN’T HERE GOYLE’S THE ONE WHO LEARNED HOW TO USE FIENDFYRE.

Harry: I’m going to wait for confirmation before I start running—

GIANT FIERY SNAKE FROM HELL: ‘Sup.

Harry: THAT’S SOME PRETTY CONVINCING CONFIRMATION RIGHT THERE. *flees*

Ron: And now the fire appears to be coming from a bunch of different directions at once.

Hermione: Is Goyle a lot faster than we thought, or is the fire just spreading that fast?

Ron: Good thing it’s conveniently slower than we can run in most cases, huh.

Harry: These chairs ought to stop the towering inferno from spreading further.

Giant dragon-shaped fire thing: Oh yeah, feed wood to the flames, that’ll stop it from burning.

Harry: Oh shut up. *dodges flying flaming chairs*

Malfoy: I HAVE NEARLY FALLEN OVER OH NOES.

Goyle: …Think I should’ve paid more attention on how to shut the spell off…

Zabini: YA THINK?!

Malfoy: That’s a fiery dragon.

Zabini: We should start climbing things now.

Goyle: Maybe if I throw my wand away, it’ll stop…Nope, just incinerated my wand. Well fuck.

Ron and Hermione: *are running while holding hands*

Harry: *is running from some different direction or something*

Malfoy: I AM STILL CLIMBING CHESTS AND THINGS.

Zabini: Right behind you!

Goyle: Not so right behind you!

Ron and Hermione: FUCKING DRAGON FIRE THINGS.

Harry: Hey, I’ve just run into you guys! How narratively convenient!

Hermione: Indeed, we should run some more.

Harry: Well maybe we could if the fire snake thing wasn’t back…And I don’t even know what this thing is. Maybe I could temporarily block it with water as opposed to wood?

Water: *shockingly does more when it comes to trying to put out a fire than adding wood to it does*

Ron: *stumbles into a Deus Ex Machina* Hey, check it out! Brooms!

Harry and Hermione: Sweeeeet. *they all start flying off. And stuff*

Goyle: Okay, I know we’re getting away from the flames, but…well, quite frankly, shouldn’t we be choking to death on smoke right about now?

Malfoy: Less plot holes, more climbing!

Goyle: Good idea—Oh that chair was not lodged in enough. *falls to his death*

Malfoy: I…I’m actually a little choked up.

Zabini: Mourn him later, right now we have to keep climbing unless we want to join him!

Ron: FOUND THE EXIT!

Harry: We are so out of here—

Malfoy and Zabini: WE’RE GONNA DIE!

Harry: …Damn my Saving People Thing, damn it to hell. Guys, we’re grabbing those two.

Ron: …He’s joking, right?

Hermione: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING! *seriously, how is she flying that competently like that*

Malfoy and Zabini: We didn’t start the fire. It was always burning since the world’s been turning.

Harry: Okay, just for that, I’m leaving you.

Malfoy: Oh come on!

Ron: IF WE DIE FOR THEM, HARRY, I’M GONNA KILL YOU!

Harry: Have fun trying. *manages to grab Malfoy this time*

Ron: *grabs Zabini on his first try*

Zabini: …Holy fuck.

Ron: ‘Sup.

Zabini: You had an expendable white dude, and an expendable black dude. In an action movie. Yet the expendable black dude didn’t die.

Ron: Be thankful this isn’t a horror movie.

Zabini: SERIOUSLY.

Malfoy: *grips Harry’s waist tightly*

Harry: The closest Drarry will ever get to canon.

Bunch of fiery crap: *tries to fall on their heads*

Hermione: I wonder if this is the same spell that Dumbledore used to part the flames two films ago. Oh well, it’s nonverbal this time so I suppose we’ll never know.

Harry and Malfoy: *crash to the ground*

Malfoy: I am so outta here.

Harry: Not one of my best landings…Oh hey, a Horcrux!

Hermione: HARRY! YOU ACTUALLY GET TO DESTROY ANOTHER HORCRUX IN THIS VERSION BECAUSE WHY BOTHER EXPLAINING WHAT FIENDFYRE IS! *throws him a fang*

Harry: THIS IS SO TOTALLY AWESOME! *stabs tiara*

Black goo: *gushes forth*

Harry: Oh that smells foul. Right in my face.

Ron: I do not want to watch you two snog naked again! *kicks it into the fire*

Fire: *turns into three Voldefaces that are somehow the stupidest-looking effect in the entire movie*

Ron: …Okay, this is just getting sad now.

Hermione: Yeah, it was only hard till we found it, this one was kind of easy to actually kill.

Ron: Yeah. When you think about it…Horcruxes are just kind of stupid.

Door: *closes before the fire can escape it*

Harry: …Me no feel so good…

Nagini: I’m super uncomfortable.

Voldemort: OMIGOD I DON’T HAVE A NOSE.

Harry: That was a really weird noise you just made.

Voldemort: Yeah, forget that happened, would you.

Harry: I’ll think about it. *shivering*

Voldemort: You seem almost weaker than I do right now. And I appear to be shedding or something, Iunno, something’s up with my skin, hopefully it’s nothing a little moisturizer can’t fix…

Thicknesse: You okay, man?

Voldemort: AVADA KEDAVRA.

Thicknesse: *dies*

Voldemort: Now I am.

Ron: That’s unfortunate.

Voldemort: Okay, now, Nagini, follow me, I need to keep you safe.

Nagini: Are we not using Parseltongue anymore?

Voldemort: Evidently not. *Disapparates with her*

Harry: Damn Dan’s good at making me look fucked up as shit.

Ron: Yeah, you look really bad, mate.

Harry: Pity Dumbledore didn’t tell us his theory about Nagini, since we had to wait till just now to find out that she’s the last Horcrux.

Hermione: *looks at Ron, then slowly looks back to Harry* I’m…I’m not entirely sure…that she’s the last one…

Ron: *ignores her and bends down* Look inside him, Harry. I’ve never had a problem with using this weird-ass psychic link of yours before, and I am certainly not going to protest you using it now. If we find Voldemort, we can find the last Horcrux, and we can finally end this.

Harry: …Holy shit you’re a badass.

Ron: THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER.

Hermione: *also bends down*

Harry: Damn it, why does the whistling still have to happen. *cricks neck* OW that really hurt that time, ow…

BOATHOUSE: *exists*

Book readers: …

Various parts of the boathouse: *also exist*

Book readers: …

Harry: Wow, book readers’re getting pissed.

Nagini: Can we rest a bit? All this not really doing anything has made me tired.

Lucius: I have a beard now mostly ish.

Voldemort: Oh look, my skin’s peeling off.

Lucius: My Lord?

Voldemort: You know, Lucius, I’m starting to think that my people don’t understand what I pay them for.

Lucius: You don’t pay us.

Voldemort: A-Allow them to live for.

Lucius: …My Lord…Might it…be less, uh…Might it not be more faithful for this scene to take place in the Shrieking Shack instead of this boathouse?

Harry: Hey yeah, was wondering about that.

Voldemort: We cannot use the Shrieking Shack. The Longbottom boy blew up the bridge that leads to the Whomping Willow. There is no way to actually get to the Shrieking Shack now.

Lucius: …Apparition?

Voldemort: Nope, the good guys don’t know that we can Apparate anywhere we want to now.

Lucius: So…you’re basically helping them now by going to a place they’ll actually be able to access on foot, then.

Voldemort: YEP!

Lucius: Why did I join you.

Voldemort: *bitchslaps Lucius*

Lucius: …OW?!

Voldemort: How can you live with yourself, Lucius?

Lucius: Well I have a nose. And hair. Where’s your Paris Hilton wig, huh?

Voldemort: That is not the answer I was looking for.

Lucius: Look, what do you want us to do, exactly?

Voldemort: Well, what I want you to do is pull up your frilly stockings, tighten your thong, and stop being such a pansy. Also bring me Severus, he should be easy to find, the castle’s not that big.

Lucius: Then why has no one found Potter yet?

Voldemort: You really have a death wish, don’t you.

Lucius: I really just don’t care anymore.

Harry: Well that was weird.

Ron: What was weird?

Harry: He was gonna go to the Shrieking Shack, but he made it easier on us by going to the boathouse where we can reach him on foot.

Ron: The boathouse? That’s a pretty far way away, isn’t it?

Harry: Yeah, but since the wards are breached so badly we can really just Apparate there if we wanted to.

Hermione: That sounds so much more efficient! Let’s not take any advantage of it!

Ron: I LOVE YOU!

~…Oh no. Oh fuck you. I am not seriously already starting to cry. I’m not even fucking writing anything else for this week. Is it because I know Courtyard Apocalypse is next, is that it? Fuck this, I’m outta here.~

Review or the guy who was supposed to set everything on fire’ll be arrested for possessing marijuana instead of arson. Which is obviously so much worse.


	7. Teh OKAY SERIOUSLY, IS LAVENDER DEAD?

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from the book/movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other book, movie, or game in the series, Spoony’s review of Final Fantasy X, A Very Potter Musical, some more of yoneld’s lines from his Battle of Hogwarts parody, To Boldly Flee, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, or Voldemort’s weird choices that make no sense.

~Oh look, the Death Eaters are blowing up what is probably most of their old school. Must’ve had a rough time when they were there.~

Audience: *is in tears* STOP BLOWING IT UP!

Wakka: Hey, look. Don’t get so down. BOOM! *chuckles* Like happy festival fireworks, ya?

Spoony: *stares at Wakka in shocked disgust* Happy…festival…fireworks?! *puts face in hands* That could be…the stupidest, most insensitive, idiot thing any character has ever said in any work of fiction. These people are watching their home, all of their belongings, everything they’ve ever known and loved burn to a cinder before their very eyes…and he’s saying it’s like happy festival fireworks! That’s like trying to cheer people up after Hurricane Katrina…by saying it’s like a big giant water park!

Oliver: CAMEO! *flies by on a broomstick with a couple others…Why aren’t the Order members flying around covered in white smoke this time around? What, can only bad guys fly now?

Giants: Why are you even trying to fight us, we’re just swatting you aside and probably killing you horribly.

Harry: I AM STUNNING THIS DEATH EATER.

Random other Death Eater: I AM GOING TO STUN POTTER AND GIVE HIM TO MY MASTER.

Harry: Nonverbal protego!

Ron: Hey cool, I just took out a Death Eater. That’s awesome.

Hermione: I AM RUNNING QUICKLY DOWN THE STAIRS.

Harry: NO YOU’RE NOT! *stops her before she gets hit in the face with what looked like a Stunner* That was close. *peaks out from behind the door and Stuns the guy right back* Okay, ignore the people dying in the Great Hall right behind us, it’s time to run outside now!

Running Trio of THIS IS THE BESTEST ACTION MOVIE EVAR: *run outside now*

Giant #16: Heeeeeey.

Jesus Christ Trio of We Just Shit Ourselves: …Let’s not go that way.

Giant #16: It’s not like you have a lot of options, you know.

Terrified Trio of Jesus Christ, That’s A Fucking Giant: Quick, let’s hide in this massive bell from the Giant Clock Tower of When The Fuck Did We Get A Giant Clock Tower!

Giant #16: *hits bell*

Suddenly Deaf Trio of My Ears Are Bleeding: Welp, so much for ever hearing anything ever again.

Ron: *peeks out* …Okay, looks like that dude’s been distracted. Let’s run around the edge of the cloisters anyway.

Hermione: Good idea.

Harry: On second thought, let’s not.

Ron: Why not—GODDAMN IT NOT MORE FUCKING ACROMANTULA.

Acromantula: WE STILL EXIST.

Ron: I REALLY WISH YOU DIDN’T!

Hermione: Quick, let’s duck under the giant and hope for the best! *ducks under the giant*

Harry and Ron: …You do that, we’re gonna run around the giant, kthx.

Harry: And we seem to just be casually Stunning people left and right—Fuck, I just noticed we’re the only ones of Hogwarts aside from a couple of Order members, Neville, Ginny, and Luna who are wearing Muggle clothing. I really hope we don’t get confused for Snatchers…

Random really young-sounding Snatcher: Nah, you’re not the ones shouting crucio at random people, that’s just us.

Harry: Fair point—HEY! STUPEFY!

Random really young-sounding Snatcher: Shit muffins.

Hermione: ‘Bout damn time we reached the cloisters, I’m running out of breath.

Ron: Yeah, it’s really unfortunate that we don’t have any kind of physical education at Hogwarts.

Harry: I suppose they assumed walking up and down a hundred and forty-two staircases day in and day out would be more than enough for us, but it doesn’t really prepare one for clambering over broken rubble at insanely high speeds, no.

Hermione: What’s the betting that half the cuts and scrapes from tonight are just from tripping and things.

Acromantula: Ooooh, I see dinner—OH COME ON THE EXPLOSIONS WERE SUPPOSED TO HURT THE GOOD GUYS, NOT BACKFIRE ON US!

Hermione: *skids to a halt* Holy shit.

Greyback: *gnawing on Lavender’s neck, looks up with bloody teeth* I know, I can’t believe they actually kept me in character either! Isn’t it awesome?

Hermione: Excuse me, I have to go and vomit. *shoots a nonverbal spell at him while Harry and Ron look on in horror*

Greyback: *gets blasted through a window thingy* NO I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET A CRYSTAL BALL SMASHED OVER MY HEAD NOOOOOooooo… *falls to what is hopefully his death*

Lavender: I think I’m dead in this version.

Ron: Pity, you were feebly stirring in the book, I always assumed you lived but turned out to be like Bill.

Lavender: It might still be that way in canon, you never know.

Hermione: Then why did they kill you off in this version?

Lavender: Maybe for the same reason they left Grindelwald and Wormtail alive.

Harry: …And that reason would be…?

Lavender: Or just to add another familiar face to the body count, Iunno.

Ron: Guess so. Still, bummer, you were a fair kisser.

Lavender: Thanks, man, I appreciate that.

Harry: Sorry we can’t check up on you or anything, though, this other giant is trying to poke us with a pointed stick.

Giant #17: It’s not all that pointed, but I’m sure I could still skewer you with it if you would just hold still…

Harry: Not really all that interested, thanks. *jumps out the other side of the cloisters*

Hermione: The giant just smashed his way through after us.

Ron: That’s okay, I don’t think he’s gonna keep following us.

Harry: Okay, now we just have to go down the stairs to the boathouse. So instead let’s go to the main stone bridge thing and check out what else is happening.

Ron: Works for me, I need a sec to catch my breath…

SHITLOAD of dementors: We can haz souls?

Harry: Oh I love this part of the book, we’re all gonna summon our little Patronuses, and then other members of the DA are gonna come out and show off their Patronuses, and it’s all gonna come together as the students defend their school from the forces of evil all as one—

Aberforth: Hey, remember when Ciarán Hinds said he had a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it role? He wasn’t talking about the Hog’s Head, he was talking about when I save everyone in the whole damn school.

iheartmwpp: This moment also got applause in the theater, despite the distinct lack of goat as they reverted back to the Film Three shield version for some ungodly reason.

iheartmwpp’s father person: Aberforth got some balls.

iheartmwpp: Mm…Wait, is he wearing a kilt?

Harry: Wow, thanks, man.

Aberforth: No problem…Shacklebolt, where the hell’s your hat?

Kingsley: Shit just got real.

Aberforth: And shit wasn’t real when the school was exploding and people started dying.

Kingsley: NOPE!

Padma, Ginny, Katie, Romilda, Leanne, and Seamus: SOUNDS LEGIT.

Harry: The stairs to the boathouse are apparently this way now.

Ron and Hermione: Whatever. *run after him*

Ginny: HEY we should save everyone from being eaten by giant spiders and shit.

Other DA members: If you say so…

Athletic Trio of Don't They Ever Get Tired Of Running: *are still running down the stairs*

Boathouse: *…is a fucking boathouse. Why are you focusing on it for so long*

Snape: Dude, you brought down the entire shield by yourself. I mean, I suppose you could argue that the others weakened it first, but it probably would’ve taken several more minutes if you hadn’t sped everything up. And that was, what, three or four thousand spells at once as opposed to just your one spell? You’re kind of awesome, and since the wand makes the wizard, it was probably due to that little stick ya got there!

Voldemort: *whining* Noooo! *stamps foot* I’m the one who’s special, this wand sucks! It’s cracked, see? I WANT A NEW ONE.

Nagini: What he said.

Eavesdropping Trio of The Potter Kids Are Overhearing Important Information?! WILL WONDERS NEVER CEASE: We’re sneaky. Like a ninja.

Snape: Maybe we should silence this place so no one can overhear our important conversations.

Voldemort: Oh please, Severus, who’s gonna eavesdrop on us unless they have a death wish?

Snape: Potter. Who might well have a death wish, I’ve never been able to completely peg him as suicidal but it sure as hell seems like it at times.

Voldemort: Eh, who cares, we were talking about wands?

Snape: Right. Well if that is the Elder Wand, and since you seem pretty certain that it is, then it’s the most powerful wand in the world and if it can’t contain your awesome might then you really are too powerful for this world.

Voldemort: For such a super secret spy, you’re a terrible liar. My old wand was able to handle whatever I pushed out of it.

Harry: …That sounds so wrong…

Snape: Tonight, when the boy comes, I’m positive that you’ll be able to kill him with it. Unless he decides to fight back, twin wands or no it seems as though everyone can do priori incantatem these days.

Voldemort: Well that’s annoying.

Snape: You are the wand’s master, just as you are everyone’s master.

Voldemort: O RLY.

Snape: YAH RLY.

Voldemort: I don’t think it does. You’re smart, you figure it out.

Harry: This doesn’t bode well for Snape…Wait, why do I care?

Voldemort: So, here’s a quick pop quiz. Who is the Master of the Elder Wand?

Snape: You, we’ve been over this!

Voldemort: See, that’s the thing, it’s really not. I know this is a tad confusing, but do try to keep up. The Elder Wand belongs to the wizard who killed its last owner, or so I have been led to believe.

Snape: I don’t follow you.

Voldemort: *creeps forward* You killed Dumbledore, Severus.

Ignorant audience members: Dude, spoilers!

Voldemort: You’re much taller than me. I don’t like that. Therefore, you must die. Oh, and I’m convinced that I’ll gain total control over the Elder Wand with your death. Should be fun, eh?

Snape: …

Voldemort: You’ve been one of my most awesomest followers, Severus…but only I can live…forever.

Snape: …My Lord, you’ll be dead in like twenty minutes.

Voldemort: *cuts his throat*

Snape: …OW?! *collapses against the back window*

Harry: Oh, that had to hurt.

Voldemort: Nagini, kill him.

Nagini: …Wait, wouldn’t that make me the master of the Elder wand? Surely it would’ve been better to just do a quick avada kedavra and get it over with?

Voldemort: Don’t call me Shirley. Wait, why are we speaking in English?

Nagini: You started it, you tell me.

Voldemort: Just kill the son of a bitch.

Nagini: M’kay. *slams her fans into Snape’s neck over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and lake water and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again*

Harry: …Jesus this is brutal.  
Concerned parents: Why are our kids here again?  
yoneld: You drove them here.  
Concerned parents: …Touché.  
Voldemort: Okay, Nagini, that’s good enough. Now let’s just leave him lying here and not bother to finish him off, just in case there’s some kind of daring last-minute escape or sudden return to life or he has one last thing to do that’ll undermine all my plans.

Nagini: …You’re dumber than the average Bond villain, aren’t you. *Disapparates with him*

Snape: *twitching feebly, blood visibly dripping from where he’s leaning against the window* Band-aid…band-aid…need a band-aid…

Harry: How did that not break the glass.

Hermione: What should we do now?

Harry: LET’S GET IN THERE AND TRY TO HELP HIM.

Ron: …Try to help the guy who killed Dumbledore and who we still think was Voldemort’s greatest servant.

Harry: EXACTLY.

Hermione: I’m down.

Ron: Why do I hang out with you people.

Harry: I do not remember the boathouse being set up like this the past six years. Least there’s a back door, though, we might’ve been too late otherwise. *goes over to Snape and bends down* Are you okay?

Snape: …I think I’m dying…

Ron: That’s unfortunate.

Hermione: Okay, Ron? Seriously? It’s getting old, and you…you just need to stop now.

Harry: Where? Where does it hurt?

Snape: Oh, pretty much around the big, bloody spot.

Harry: Here, let me try and stop the bleeding as my mother’s theme starts playing in the background.

Snape: Oh yeah, that’ll stop the venom from spreading.

Harry: Don’t get snippy with me!

Snape: You know, you’re just the person I wanted to see.

Harry: Really, how’s that?

Snape: Check out this single silvery tear that’s starting to roll.

Harry: …That so looks like a digital effect.

Snape: That’s because it totally is, they’re memories, not actual tears.

Harry: Ah, I see. Thought they came pouring out your ears or something.

Snape: …This is supposed to me a dramatic scene of my death that makes people cry, we’re not gonna have a bunch of white stuff gushing out my ears.

Harry: Well you’re no fun. Hey, Hermione, I can haz flask?

Hermione: Okay, but I’m not sure why we’re doing this.

Harry: Me neither, just do it. Oh, hold on, I’m not stopping the bleeding anymore! *puts hand back over wound*

Snape: Stiiill not stopping the venom…

Hermione: *hands Harry flask*

Harry: Thank you! *holds it up to Snape’s cheek, allowing two teardrops to fall in*

Snape: Take them to the Penseive, and try not to have my blood drip in there.

Harry: Bit late, sorry.

Snape: …Look at me.

Harry: Yo?

Snape: Just—If there’s…any naked images of Orlando Bloom in there…Just know that I thought he was a girl.

Harry: *comfortingly* We all did, Snape. We all did.

Snape: …You have your mother’s eyes even though hers were brown and yours are blue.

Harry: …Wait, Sirius and Remus never mentioned that, what’re you talking about?

Snape: Nothing anymore, I’m dead nowz. *is dead nowz*

Harry: Ah crap.

Hermione: And now I am the sad.

Ron: I’m still confused. He is a known bad guy. You saw him kill Dumbledore. Why do we care, why are we sad, WHY ARE WE EVEN HERE?!

Harry: …His eyes were open in the last shot. Now they’re closed. I didn’t touch him. OMAHGOD HE’S STILL ALIVE.

LAKE!: *is ominous. Apparently*

Voldemort: I’m making my voice appear in everyone’s heads again.

Ron: Yeah, how’s he even doing that?

Harry: I really don’t know, but it’s kind of cool, I admit it.

Hermione: Well it would be without the random metal screeches.

Harry: Yeah, those are weird.

Voldemort: *clears throat* People of Hogwarts. My Death Eaters have taken the castle, and your headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, is dead. Continue to resist, and you will all be killed, one. By. One.

George: I have just been Disarmed, and mah face is freaking out. I think Fred just dieded.

Molly: I wonder if I’m aware of this yet.

Pomfrey: There’s probably a couple dead bodies in here already…

Voldecho: …in vain…I do not wish this…waste…waste…dispose of your dead…dignity…

Voldemort: Wow, my echo’s fucking psychic!

Voldecho: …that’s fucked up…fucked up…up…

Death Eaters: We’re all stopping. It sure is a good thing no one’s taking advantage of this and trying to curse us or anything.

Voldemort: Moving on…There not need be war between us. You’ve all fought so valiantly, and I’m willing to offer you positions in my new world order *whispers* as my slaves. *continues talking normally* Give up now and be forgiven. I command my Death Eaters to stand down.

Hogwarts: *is still burning*

Voldemort: Now, Harry Potter, I speak directly to you. If you do not wish for those closest to you to continue to suffer and die on your behalf, you will come face me yourself. I’ll be waiting for you in the Forbidden Forest for one hour.

Harry: Where in the Forbidden Forest?

Ron: This is my grr face.

Voldemort: At the end of that hour, if you have not come to face me, have not…turned yourself in, the battle recommences. This time, Potter, I shall enter the fray myself. And I will find you. And I will murder every last man—

Ron: *gasps*

Voldemort: —woman—

Hermione: *gasps*

Voldemort: —and child—

Draco: No!

Voldemort: —who tries to conceal you from me. Voldemort out, bitches.

Boathouse: *is still a fucking boathouse*

~There was a cut scene in one of the behind the scenes things where Ron actually shouted basically that Voldemort would never get Harry. I wish they kept that in, but why make Ron a good friend ever.~

Review or Voldemort will only give you an hour to live. And then he will give you another hour to live. He’s a cool dude like that.


	8. Teh THIS IS THE BESTEST PART OF THE MOVIE

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from the book/movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other book, movie, or game in the series, Dragonball Z Abridged, Lord of the Rings, Code MENT, Doctor Who, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog, one of the absolute best lines I blatantly stole from yoneld’s Battle of Hogwarts parody that y’all should’ve read by this point, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, or a terrible idea the father person had one time.

And now they’re at the courtyard. Man these guys travel fast.~

Hermione: The place is deserted, I don’t even see any bodies anymore.

Ron: They’re probably in the great hall, which we’ve just Apparated to. *opens doors* …That trail of blood doesn’t look ominous or anything…

Bunch o’ people: A load of us are dead or dying or injured or very very sad.

Ron: Well that sucks…Why is my family all gathered in the center of the hall like that… *walks into the hall*

Hermione: This does not bode well… *walks slowly after him*

Harry: *takes a moment to say hi to Filch and Slughorn* HI FILCH! HI SLUGHORN!

Slughorn: HI HARRY! *putting dittany on Filch’s arm* The hell did you get this anyway?

Filch: Well, the thing about walls fucking exploding is—

Harry: Aaand I’ve lost interest, what’s happening over here?

Flitwick: Me and a bunch of kids got beaten the fuck up.

Trelawney: Also Lavender’s dead. I did not see that coming, I’m afraid…Or maybe I just chose not to see it…

Padma: There’s still a very slim chance that she’s alive in the book version, though, right?

Trelawney: Whatever her ultimate fate, thou shall not dispute the holy name of fanfiction.

Padma: …So…Is that a yes?

Book readers: Hold up, what happened to Colin? Is that why they killed off Lavender, because they couldn’t kill off Colin anymore?

Harry: Oh, he’s here. And there. And there. And there…

Ginny: I am standing alone and look utterly lost…Here’s a plot bunny. Harry already blames himself for Fred’s death and the deaths of most of the others, right? What if he wasn’t the only one? What if he and Ginny never actually got back together, or it just took much longer, because Ginny couldn’t help but blame him? Even if it wasn’t technically his fault, I’ve seen very well-done fics where Remus can’t help but blame Harry at least a little bit for what happened to Sirius, it could totally happen. Or if not Ginny some other Weasley, be realistic here.

George: I am hugging Dad. And now I am hugging Ron.

Ron: …Holy fuck, Fred’s dead.

George: I know, it rhymes and everything, that’s how you know which one of us bit it! *hysterical laughter*

Ron: …You keep going mad with grief, I’m going to cry over the body of my brother.

Hermione: I did not expect one of them to go.

Harry: COULD MY HEART BE BROKEN ANY FURTHER.

Percy: It’ll be okay, George…

George: No kidding, I can’t wait to start the freeze-drying process!

Percy: …The freeze-drying process?

George: Yep! We’re gonna freeze-dry him and put his body in the display case in front of the store, doing the Queen wave thing!

Molly: YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING!

George: It’s in his will, we both signed off on it so we’re doing it! *more hysterical laughter*

Percy: …How about at his funeral we launch his coffin into a tree or something.

George: I AM COMPLETELY OPEN TO SUGGESTION. *breaks down completely, though I think Rupert’s acting better than Oliver. James is just asleep*

Harry: …Ron’s gonna leave me again for this, I just know it.

Ron: I AM NOT GOING TO LOSE ANY MORE SIBLINGS. *is sobbing loudly, Molly stroking his and Fred’s heads…I expected her to be more hysterical than all of them put together, but what do I know*

Harry: God, I have got to look at something less sad than this… *glances at the floor*

Remus and Tonks: HEY we’re dead too, and still not quite holding hands.

Harry: THAT WASN’T WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR. *clutches chest* OH GOD MY HEART. IT BURNS. IT BURNS US. IT FREEZES.

McGonagall: Hey, Harry, how ya doin’?

Harry: I WANT TO DIE.

McGonagall: That’s nice, dear.

Harry: Fuck it, I’m leaving this room, possibly to go to the Forest, don’t wait up.

Everyone who ain’t dead yet: OKAY! HAVE FUN!

Harry: How did I get up here so fast. Ah well, hopefully this whole sequence of memories won’t take too long, I wouldn’t want to risk Voldemort giving me another hour or anything.

Pensieve cabinet: I AM OPENING.

Harry: Well that’s convenient.

Pensieve cabinet: IT SURE IS!

Harry: *walks over, lifts up Pensieve, and throws it like a Frisbee. Which…Dude. You’re on a time crunch. Just stick your face in while you’re still at the cabinet thing* Okay, let’s pour this thing of Snape’s memories and my blood into the goo and see what happens.

Black goo: *solidifies into Lily and Petunia*

Lily: TUNEY! WE HAVE TO KILL THE TOOTH FAIRY!

Petunia: Everyday I pray I was adopted.

Lily: Check it out, I can make daisies spontaneously appear in my hand!

Petunia: I used to be blonde. And your eyes are fucking brown. People gonna be pissed.

Lily: YOU’RE WRONG! *runs away*

Petunia: If you didn’t want to wear contacts, why couldn’t they fix it digitally? You’re in few enough scenes and they have such a huge budget, why didn’t they do anything?!

Severus: This tree is fucking awesome.

Petunia: OH GOD A BOY DON’T GIVE ME YOUR COOTIES! *runs away*

Severus: I can make grass fly.

Lily: Cool. THIS TREE IS FUCKING SICK.

Severus: IT’S THE HYPEST SHIT!

Lily: Nice clothes that fit.

Severus: Nice brown eyes.

Lily: Fuck you.

Severus: Fuck fuck you!

Weeping willow: *exists, and is also cool*

Lily: We live in, like, the bestest countryside EVAR or something.

Severus: Don’t worry about Tuney. She’s just jealous that you’re in a Christmas special of Doctor Who.

Lily: I think I was a touch old for the part, though, and you have to admit the premise was kind of stupid.

Severus: …You were on Doctor Mother Fucking Who.

Lily: This is true.

Severus: WE CAN MAKE LEAVES FLY AROUND AND BEND TO OUR VERY WILL.

Lily: GOD MAGIC IS STUPID.

Severus: It can also kill people.

Lily: …That’s…encouraging?

Severus: Get back at people who wronged you…

Lily: …This outlook on life will have no negative impact on the future, I’m sure of it.

Black goo: And now we’re at the Sorting, because the train ride over was completely unnecessary.

Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR!

Lily: Awesome. See you there, Sev!

Severus: …

James: Hi, I’m James. We’re meeting now for the first time, because apparently we didn’t meet on the train.

Sirius: AND we’re already wearing Gryffindor ties and things, which insinuates that James and I are second years, which is so much complete bullshit.

Remus and Peter: …Where the hell are we?

Severus: Crap, she’s in Gryffindor and I somehow psychically know I’ll be in Slytherin.

Harry: …So choose to go to Gryffindor, dumbass. Take it from me, that shit actually works.

Neville: Not always, I tried to choose Hufflepuff but the Hat made me go to Gryffindor. Though admittedly it’s basically canon that I’m not a very good FINDer…

iheartmwpp: WE NEVER GET ANYONE AWESOME. If we do, they die really quickly. Which sucks.

Harry: …You can still try, at any rate.

Severus: I can’t hear you, this is a flashback.

Black goo: JESUS Sev’s taller than Lily! It’s like how Ron should’ve been compared to Harry this whole time!

James: I apparently didn’t need glasses until my later teenage years or something. Also don’t look a thing like Daniel Radcliffe used to once again. I KNOCK YOUR BOOKS OUT OF YOUR HANDS!

Sirius: WE RULE THIS FUCKING SCHOOL!

Snape: *voiceover* The usual insults about your father being a prick and everything, blah, blah…

Harry: *voiceover* Yeah, quit it already, it’s getting old.

Lily: Here, Sev, I’ll help pick your books up.

Severus: Thanks, Lily, you’re an angel.

James: I have a mullet and am constantly super mean and a bully to your best friend.

Lily: OMAHGOD I WANT UR BABIEZ.

Severus: What the fuck.

Snape: And now to actually show a little bit about how our friendship actually ended and how I basically drove her to fucking Potter instead of just showing the next scene being them making out in that one picture because that alone explains so much why I’m so bitter, clearly.

Severus: I just, you know, really think I’m qualified for this…this job, but I…just can’t get my foot in the door.

Lily: I’m sure you will.

Severus: I wanna do great things, you know? I wanna be an achiever! Like the Dark Lord…

Lily: …That Lord Voldemort guy who’s killing everyone, including my fellow Muggle-borns?

Severus: …I meant Gandhi.

Snape: And then there was that other time…

Lily: I still don’t get your problem with those guys.

Severus: They tried to feed me to a fucking werewolf, do you have any idea how lucky I am that Potter got cold feet at the last second?!

Lily: Okay, now I know you’re making stuff up, where would they get a werewolf?

Severus: …I have been hinting at how obvious Lupin’s been for months if not years at this point. Hell, I probably followed Black’s advice in order to obtain proof for you once and for all.

Lily: And here we go with your crazy “Lupin’s a werewolf” theory again. *eyeroll* Would you quit trying to pick on that poor boy already, it’s not his fault he has such a weak immune system!

Severus: …Your son really will inherit your eyes, won’t he, considering you’re fucking blind.

Lily: Seriously, I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.

Severus: Fuck it, Potter can have you, I’m so done with this bullshit.

Lily and James: WE’RE FROM THAT ONE PHOTOGRAPH! WHEEEEEEE!

Trelawney: I’m giving the prophecy from the third film, not the one that we find out about in the fifth film. So we’re totally wrong about, like, everything.

Voldemort: I really think I would’ve been more menacing if I had a fucking nose.

Snape: THERE IS A REALLY BRIGHT LIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. Also don’t kill me.

Dumbledore: I shall make no such assurances.

Snape: …My hero?

Dumbledore: The prophecy didn’t refer to a woman. It spoke of a boy born at the end of July, a woman would have nothing to do with anyone’s birth!

Snape: …I’m so glad I switched sides.

Movie watchers: That prophecy never mentioned a due date, what are they on about?

Book readers: Wait, are we skipping the part where Snape’s the one who heard it originally? That was half the reason why he’s so bitter and hateful, what the fuck?!

Filmmakers: Hey, be grateful we included this much. If this had all been one movie you know this would’ve been a repeat of Snape’s Worst Memory.

Book readers: …Yah. That’s kind of what we were hoping for, actually, for that to be repeated in full, so the movie watchers would understand that they had a falling out and that’s why she chose James, which is why Snape hates both him and Harry so much. Not to mention that you had CAST A TEENAGE LILY THREE FILMS AGO. USE HER.

Filmmakers: Eh…Naaaah.

Book readers: Why do we even bother. Why do we even fucking bother.

Snape: The Dark Lord thinks it’s her son! And he wants to mount them all on spikes, he sharpens them nightly, it’s rather horrifying. And I’m gonna be less of a dick than in canon and immediately request that you hide the whole damn family instead of just her because they still have to condense this shit.

Dumbledore: And what will you give me in return?

Severus: …You’re asking me to give you something so you’d agree to save people who are on your side and who are a couple of your best fighters, people who are housing the boy who I just basically told you is the Chosen One. What if I refuse to do anything else other than give you this information, would you have just left them be without even attempting the Fidelius?!

Dumbledore: Probably.

Severus: …You’re a dick.

Dumbledore: You say that like it’s a bad thing.

Severus: …But it IS! This…Forget it, just forget it.

Dumbledore: It’s better that way.

Severus: We are so fucking dead.

Dumbledore: So you’re basically my slave now, right?

Snape: To my immense regret, yes.

Dumbledore: So…You’ll do anything I tell you to?

Snape: We’ve just established that, yes.

Dumbledore: Snaaaaaape.

Severus: What is it, Headmaster?

Dumbledore: I saw a bird. It was pretty. Kick its ass.

Snape: The day I snap, you’re the first to go.

Dumbledore: I’m done playing astronaut now. I just peed a moat.

Snape: Aaargh, I was sitting right next to you!

Lily: Harry, there are a bunch of boards and things on the floor even though the walls at least looked intact, I’m not sure what shape the ceiling’s in but I don’t think it would leave rubble like this, though I could be wrong. Also in this shot it looks like I’m dead.

Harry: I also have dark eyes. Also I’ve needed changing for like the past two hours, you people are horrible parents.

Lily: My eyes have inexplicably changed color, they totally look green in this light.

Voldemort: Here’s that flashback to the first film now. Nice tight black dress sweater thing you got there.

Lily: I’d accept your compliment if I wasn’t dead.

Wormtail: …I’m not entirely sure why I’m mixed up in this flashback…

Severus: I told you to save them, what the fuck, why didn’t you?!

Dumbledore: Look, one out of three ain’t bad, the kid’s still alive, isn’t he?

Severus: …Yes. Because Potter’s seed is exactly what I was hoping would survive.

Dumbledore: Well there you go.

Severus: THAT WAS SARCASM, YOU FUCKING FUCKFACE. Merlin’s untrimmed nose hairs, how high are you right now?!

Dumbledore: High enough to think that Harry has Lily’s eyes even though hers were brown and his are blue. I’M TRIPPING BALLS RIGHT NOW.

Severus: Your persuasive diction has convinced me that this falsehood is, in fact, accurate. Still, this is largely your fault, jackass.

Dumbledore: I deny everything! James was dumb enough to use Sirius as a Secret Keeper, it’s not my fault they went with that!

Severus: Yes, but you volunteered in the first place, you should’ve insisted. Hell, why couldn’t Potter or Lily have been Secret Keepers of their own bloody cottage, it worked well enough for one of the Weasleys in this particular installment!

Dumbledore: …Well if you really loved Lily, you’d look after her son, so nyah.

Severus: What, so I have to raise him and shit?

Dumbledore: Hells no, I’m sticking him with the Dursleys.

Severus: …You’re sticking him with Tuney?! Are you out of your fucking mind?!

Dumbledore: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW.

Severus: Huh boy.

Dumbledore: Oh no. I’M FREAKING OUT. THE DREAM IS COLLAPSING.

Snape: This house doesn’t really look all that collapsed and exploded.

Harry: I’s a Gryffindor!

Dumbledore: *voiceover* Oh fuck, why the flashbacks, why.

Hagrid: Oh yeah, Snape’s memory totally woulda centered on me.

Snape: The boy’s a twat, he fails at Potions because I’m basically discouraging from succeeding every step of the way, he looks exactly like his father except not at all so I immediately think he’s a complete failure at life, and I don’t even bother to get to know him well enough to see that he utterly hates his fame.

Harry: I’m repeating that you shouldn’t insult my father, that’s annoying, I already said it not even three minutes ago, what gives.

Snape: I’s draggin you downstairs! And now I’m walking upstairs into your house—YOU HAVE YOUR FATHER’S EYES APPARENTLY, THOSE DO NOT LOOK FUCKING HAZEL TO ME, MY ENTIRE LIFE IS A LIE.

James: HEY I’m dead.

Snape: AND HIS HAIR’S NEAT, WHAT THE FUCK.

James: Dude, we gave up on character descriptions years ago.

Snape: I HATE EVERYTHING.

Dumbledore: Why the ring again, seriously.

Snape: I enjoy throwing students across rooms.

Harry: Why have I never reported this obvious child abuse…I just answered my own question, never mind.

Snape: Well at least the bit with the ring was relevant, it shows that I actually helped with the dead hand that no one remembered because it really didn’t look all that dead. Still, it’ll kill you soon enough.

Dumbledore: How long do I have?

Snape: …Maybe a year?

Dumbledore: …I do not remember your hair being this luxurious in Film Six.

Snape: Well I don’t remember you wearing different robes during your entire tenure at Hogwarts except for this series of flashbacks. *gets up and turns away*

Dumbledore: Don’t you walk away from me!

Draco's creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: Harmonia Nectere Passus.

Dumbledore: We both know that Lord Voldemort has ordered the Malfoy boy, whose name I never bothered learning apparently, to do something to do with harmonious nectarines. And also murdering me or something.

Draco: PEOPLE LOVE SLIDESHOWS OF SHIT THAT HAPPENED IN PREVIOUS MOVIES!

Dumbledore: And when he fucks up, you should totally kill me so the Dark Lord’ll trust you beyond anyone else.

Snape: …That the only reason?

Dumbledore: Well I’d rather not get eaten alive by Greyback while also getting crucio’d by Bellatrix, if that’s what you’re asking.

Snape: This…is…my…nose.

Harry: HA, Dumbledore falling in slow motion never ceases to put a smile on my face.

Dumbledore: Dick. So yeah, you need to wait to tell Harry this until Voldemort thinks he’s gonna drop dead any second.

Snape: Tell Potter what.

Dumbledore: You’re gonna love this…

Snape: Stepping over Potter Sr.’s dead body…This is an awful lot of rubble…That’s an arm. That’s, uh…

Dumbledore: NO ONE KNOWS HOW HARRY SURVIVED THE KILLING CURSE, LET ME EXPLAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME. Also Harry’s a Horcrux.

iheartmwpp: I think I have that owl ornament. If I don’t, I totally want it.

Harry: I have an owie.

Dumbledore: THAT DOLL IS FUCKING HORRIFYING. But yeah, that soul fragment is the reason that Harry’s a Parselmouth and that he and Voldemort can mind meld and crap.

Book readers: Wow. This is a total surprise. We did not see this coming in the slightest. Great job, Jo, you totally had us fooled.

Snape: The cinematography in the cottage is beyond excellent.

Dumbledore: Still going on about the whole Horcrux thing, because the audience certainly doesn’t understand and you, with your vast knowledge of the Dark Arts, could also never be able to understand.

Harry: DID YOU KNOW MY SCAR HURTS WHENEVER I HAVE VISIONS OF WHAT VOLDEMORT’S DOING? THAT’S WHAT’S HAPPENING NOW!

Snape: …So when the time comes…The boy must die?

Dumbledore: YYYYYEPPERS!

Alan Rickman: *sees Lily’s body, collapses against the wall and slides down it, falls almost completely to the ground, starts sobbing, and doesn’t even get nominated for Best Supporting Actor. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE*

Lily: …Why do we have electronic lamps?

Snape: Nice loose, blue dress you’re suddenly wearing.

Lily: Fuck you.

Snape: Fuck fuck you!

Harry: Stiiiiill have an owie. And now it’s been four hours since anyone changed me.

Hagrid: …Did Snape actually come here?

Sirius: And where the hell were we, seriously?

Snape: You’ve kept him alive, while also throwing him into perilous situation after perilous situation, even though you didn’t want him to die quite yet?

Dumbledore: Well to be fair, I didn’t know what he was his first year, I only found out in his second.

Severus: You’ve been raising him like a pig for slaughter.

Dumbledore: Of course! Where else do you think I’d get the bacon for my clam chowder?

Harry: I am standing here. This is back when I was stalking Malfoy. Ah, the good old days…

Dumbedore: I knew you’d come to care for the boy in time! *does a happy dance*

Snape: …The boy? You think I care for the boy?

Dumbledore: Well of course! Why else would you be suddenly concerned about his welfare?

Snape: *draws his wand* Expecto patronum!

Silver doe: They almost make it seem like the Patronus Snape just cast here was the same one that Harry sees in the woods, which makes no sense with Dumbledore being dead and junk. There is still no way that Snape could’ve known where they were, there was no explanation for that whatsoever. Yes, the sword can present itself in times of need, but I had to come from somewhere.

Dumbledore: …Lily? After the past fifteen years?

Snape: HERE, HAVE THE SADDEST PART IN THE MOVIE.

Lily: Thanks for closing my eyes, I appreciates it.

Harry: WAH! WAH! BABY HARRY WANTS MILK! SOMEONE FETCH ME A NIPPLE!

Snape: I can’t hear you, apparently I’m too wrapped up in my grief to hear you.

Dumbledore: …Dude, it’s been over ten years, that’s plenty of time to get over a dead girlfriend who dumped you anyway. There are other fish in the sea, move the fuck on already.

Snape: YOU KNOW NOTHING OF LOVE.

Dumbledore: And here we go.

Snape: NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN.

Harry: Stiiiill not getting where the doe came from, unless it was just chillaxing in the Forest of Dean that entire time.

Snape: I say “…So when the time comes…The boy must die?” in exactly the same way as last time.

Dumbledore: Make sure Voldemort strikes the final blow, that is essential.

Snape: Well at least that part’ll be easy.

Black goo: There’s no need to explain how he was actually trying to save Remus’s life but missed and hit George’s ear, they’re only minor characters that no one cares about anyway, who gives a shit.

Harry: *pulls himself out of the Pensieve, reeling back in shock, clutching his chest, sitting down heavily on the steps and breathing heavily for several minutes as he lets it all sink in* …How did he know about the parts he wasn’t there for.

~This was way easier to write than it should’ve been…Wait…Did Sev die a virgin?!~

Review or you’ll be forever reviled by the fandom for not having the correct eye color because we fans are huge bags of douche sometimes.


	9. Teh OH GOD MY FEELS ORGAN

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from the book/movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other book, movie, or game in the series, a Very Potter Musical, A Very Potter Senior Year, Tobuscus’s Literal Trailers, or the Maruaders.

~That is a lotta books right there.~

Harry: I assume I’m walking past the remains of the library or something? *walks downstairs more* Oh hey, Hermione! Hey, Ron! Shame about the dead brother, eh?

Ron: *turns and glares* Shame about the dead father figure, eh?

Harry: Whatever, I’ve got like two or three more of those.

Ron: …You have no soul.

Harry: Got too much of one, actually.

Hermione: *stands up, hands on hips* Where have you been?! Beds empty! No note! Car gone!

Ron: *also stands up* We thought you went to the Forest, and we didn’t bother checking the Map to find out if you actually had or to find out where you’d gone or anything!

Harry: Well I’m heading off to the Forest now if you want to watch my progress. Actually, could you give it back for a sec, the Forest is huge and I don’t really know where specifically he wants me to show up.

Ron: …You are not going into the Forest.

Harry: LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU LALALALALAAAAA.

Ron: I just lost one brother, I swore I wasn’t going to lose another! You are not going to turn yourself in!

Hermione: Do you have anything you’d like to tell us?

Harry: Well—

Hermione: What is it you know?

Harry: …Who the fuck talks like that.

Ron: I have a strong suspicion I’m not gonna like this scene.

Harry: So I just realized that I’s a Horcrux, which is why I can sense where the others are and why I can get inside his head and shit. Hell, I’m pretty sure you knew about that too, even though I’m actually surprised Kloves didn’t make you figure it out like three films ago.

Ron: …You’re not saying…

Harry: Fill Ron in on this later.

Ron: I understand what’s going on, you fucking moron!

Hermione: Harry, you don’t have to do this! We could maybe come up with a plan to—

Harry: There’s no plan, Hermione, I know what I have to do…I have to die.

Hermione: Well, ma-maybe there’s something… *digs through that bloody beaded bag of hers* …maybe there’s something in this book! You know, we—we could find some sort of…enchantment that will nullify—

Harry: No, no, forget about it. There’s only one thing to do. I have to die. I love you all. *looks up at Draco who’s there for some reason* Except for you, Draco, I can’t fucking stand you.

Hermione: *sobbing* I’ll go with you.

Ron: We’ll go with you. Is what she meant to say. Because I’m your best friend too.

Harry: Neither of you are going. Both of you are to stay behind and kill the snake, and then have someone else take down Voldemort or something once and for all. Maybe you could do it, Hermione, I know you’d be brilliant at it!

Hermione: Awwww! *huggles Harry*

Ron: …So I’m just standing here, is that it?

Harry: *hugging Hermione back* Apparently all us dude-bros need to convey our feelings of everlasting friendship…is this significant glance.

Ron: …Fuck you, Harry.

Harry: Ron, I’m about to die, can’t you at least—

Ron: No, fuck you. Fred just died, and now you’re going off to die as well, and you’re not even saying anything to me?! Even Frodo had his own separate moments with the other three hobbits, what the fuck is wrong with you?! Is it that males can’t show affection, is that what’s going on here?! Fuck that, I’m your best mate, I consider you my brother, and I WANT A FUCKING HUG.

Harry: …So come over here and join in the group hug or give me one of your own once Hermione lets go.

Ron: I. CAN’T. MOVE.

Harry: Welp, sucks to be you, then. *lets Hermione go and continues walking down the stairs*

Hermione: *crying* …Ain’t it weird that we’re the only ones out here, wouldn’t everyone else still be collecting bodies or searching frantically for where Harry was?

Ron: Now you’re just being silly.

Harry: This is a deeply emotional, poignant two cuts of me walking alone trough the castle rubble and into the Forest. The camera’s really far away so I’m just a tiny little thing on the screen with no one else around, showing how isolated I am.

Snitch: Oh would you shut up and just get to the other part of the movie that makes everyone cry already?

Harry: …Nothing is made to last. *makes out with Snitch*

Snitch: Oh that was repulsive. *spits out Resurrection Stone which hovers for a bit while pretty music starts playing*

Harry: OHMAGOD THE RESURRECTION STONE. *clamps his hand around it and apparently turned it three times off-camera, Iunno, the camera only focuses on his closed eyes. Which he then opens*

James, Lily, Sirius, and Remus: Why are we all spread out this far apart.

Movie watchers: They look a lot like the Grey Lady. Is she there also because of the Resurrection Stone? Is that how you call ghosts back, with that thing?

Book readers: Sigh. This is why we needed Nick and not just Luna at the end of Film Five. Also ghosts are transparent. KEEP THEM THAT WAY.

Harry: …I’m gonna cry.

Sirius: Pansy.

Harry: Fuck you.

Remus: Dudes, we should totally sing “Everything Ends”!

James: Fuck no, you can’t sing for shit!

Remus: :’(

Lily: *holds out her arm* Come here, sweetheart, hold my hand.

Harry: Okay— *hand goes right through her arm* Oh you bitch!

James: You always were a complete tease.

Lily: Fuck off, you prick, I’m trying to talk to my son here!

James: Oh, so he’s your son now?

Harry: …You’re positive they didn’t hate each other?

Remus: …Eh…

Sirius: Oh like Ron and Hermione are any better.

Harry: Touché.

Lily: I’m glad that you weren’t usually a complete pussy, love.

Harry: *stares at his mother* …Been wondering something.

Lily: Shoot.

Harry: Do you have any flaws?

Lily: Possibly. I think I read somewhere that Word of God has it that I still fancied James even though he was a bully but didn’t want to admit it until he got better or something along those lines.

Harry: …Even though he was doing the equivalent of choking a fellow student before tying him up and stripping him, and said fellow student happened to be one of your friendly-friends if not your only friendly-friend considering he’s the only one you’re shown to have interacted with.

Lily: Yeppers!

Harry: …You disgust me.

Remus: Speaking of Lily’s apparent lack of friends, were there any other girls in our year and how come we never hear about them?

Sirius: Hey yeah, why is this series such a freakin’ sausage fest?

James: Didn’t know you two would be so opposed to it.

Sirius: *facepalms* Oh for God’s sake, WE’RE NOT FUCKING GAY!

James: Uh-huh, sure.

Remus: *shows off ring* I am married, you know! To a woman, mind!

James: Nice cover you got there, matey-poo.

Remus: Oh? And who was the one who ever so desperately wanted to see Snivelly’s naughty bits?

James: Oi, Lily’s always been the only one for me and you know it!

Sirius: Is that really it, though? Or were you just using Lily as a shield because you didn’t want to admit how much greasy hair and huge noses turn you on?

James: Fuck off, Padfoot!

Sirius: Wow, what a devastatingly witty remark.

James: Don’t make me neuter you!

Sirius: So you are desperate to touch my balls!

James: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHH!

Lily: Not gonna lie, that’s kinda hot.

Remus: James/Severus or James/Sirius?

Lily: Yes.

Harry: I’m not hearing this.

Sirius: Oh come on, it’s hilarious!

Harry: *turns to him* Getting back to the matter at hand—

Sirius: Why, what’s the matter with your—

James: Tell me he’s not still doing this.

Remus: I almost got here a whole lot sooner because of it, believe me.

Harry: I WANT TO KNOW IF DYING HURTS. Which is why I asked the man who was not, in fact, hit by the Killing Curse in canon but merely fell through a curtain.

James: Smart man.

Remus: *deadpan* Yes, like father like son, indeed.

Lily: *gigglesnort*

Sirius: Well for me, it was quicker than falling asleep. Which makes sense since sometimes it takes fucking forever to fall asleep, and believe me, unlike when you fall asleep, you’ll notice.

James: We should probably not tell him about the split second of the purest agony imaginable that comes with the Killing Curse, then.

Lily: Probably a good idea, yeah.

Remus: Was I even hit with the Killing Curse, or did Dolohov get me with that purple slash thing of his?

James: The way the castle’s been falling to bits, wouldn’t be surprised if Dolohov caused a tower to fall on you.

Remus: …Well that’s a pleasant image.

James: At any rate, you’re nearly dead, kid! WOOOOOT!

Lily: I honestly don’t know why I married you.

Harry: *turns to the puppies* Was he always like this?

Remus: Er…That is—

Sirius: Yes. Yes he was.

Harry: …Right then.

James: Don’t worry about a thing, little one, you’re gonna have so much fun when you start hanging with us—

Harry: Shut up, I don’t want to talk to you.

James: …Huh? But…But why not?

Harry: ‘Cause you’re an arrogant bullying toerag, that’s why.

Lily: Oooooooh.

James: What? No I’m not!

Sirius: Riiiiight…Forgot we didn’t get a chance to talk to him about that in this version…

Remus: Not that we actually did a very good job in the books anyway…

James: …Look, sometimes people act like douchebags when they’re kids, but usually they grow out of it when they actually enter the real world.

iheartmwpp: And sometimes they remain assholes.

James: Oh come off it, have you actually seen any of those guys since eighth grade?

iheartmwpp: Yep! One! She smiled and waved at me whenever we ended up passing each other in the library or the student center or something, I smiled awkwardly back and immediately headed in the opposite direction if it was possible, it was great. Not once did she actually apologize for ditching me because I wouldn’t lend her a fucking pencil. Why would I when she had repeatedly showed me a massive collection of like thirty in the bottom of her locker? Thankfully I haven’t seen any of the others since we split into the three different high schools, hopefully they’ve all went to colleges out of state or something.

Lily: Assuming they even made it into college, I know you’d like to think they don’t.

iheartmwpp: Yeah, but the US has appallingly low standards and most kids don’t even have to try all that hard.

Lily: True dat, yo.

iheartmwpp: Actually, there was that one time I thought I saw another, male asshole I used to despise in the library café, but I immediately ran away before there could be any kind of confrontation. Yes, I am a pussy.

James: Whatever, the point is, most people do transform into different, hopefully better people as they mature, and presumably I was one of them. Or something.

Sirius: You’ll just have to take our word for it until JKR updates Pottermore with a detailed outline on how those two got together.

Harry: …Sorry about how neither you nor I will be able to be there for your son, Remus.

James, Sirius, and Lily: YOU HAVE A SON?!

Remus: Wait, how the fuck did you find out about him in this version?

James: Oh, been meaning to tell you, making the person with the biggest target on his back in the entirety of the United Kingdom godfather of your child? Kinda dumb.

Remus: Your face is dumb!

Sirius: *sniffs* The gang’s all back together. *brushes away a tear* It’s just like old times! *cries*

Lily: Yay. Whoop-de-flippin’-do.

Harry: …You guys are gonna stay with me until I actually die, right?

James: We won’t actually be on camera, but you can assume so, yes.

Harry: …So not only will he be unable to see you, but so will the audience?

Sirius: Hell, once you drop the Stone, you won’t be able to see us. But it doesn’t matter, because we’re here, you see. *points to Harry’s chest*

Harry: …On my jacket?

Sirius: In your heart, you fucking idiot.

Remus: I do love how this is all one big loving family we’ve got here.

James: Seriously, why the fuck am I so far away from you guys.

Harry: …Stay close to me.

Lily: Alw—

James: I can’t if I’m all the way over here!

Lily: That’s it, I’m dumping you for Cedric.

James: Oh come on!

Resurrection Stone: WHEEEEE—Ow.

~Aaand now I want to reread “Teddy Lupin and the Forest Guard” by Fernwithy. And everything else she’s ever written. Again.~

Rabastan: He’s not coming, my lord.

Voldemort: It seems that way. Well, Death Eaters, looks like we’re going back to seize the castle. This is what Potter has chosen. *sighs* It’s funny, I…I expected him to come. It seems I was mistaken.

Harry: You weren’t. *slowly walks over to him*

Tobuscus: *bursts into song* Harry needs some sleep/And he needs a nose/And he needs some sleep/And some new glasses/And he needs a manicure…

Voldemort: Huh? *growls* Harry Potter. The Boy Who Lived. Crucio!

Harry: AAAAHHH! AAARGH! *collapses* Ow!

Hagrid: I’M STILL IN THE MOVIE!

Audience: THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN.

Rabastan: I really get the symbolism that is Hagrid carrying Potter’s supposed dead body out of the Forest, but in all honesty, is there any real reason for us keeping a filthy half-giant alive? I’m sure if we all did the Killing Curse together, we’ll be able to take him out, come on, people, this is just stupid.

Voldemort: CRUCIO!

Harry: AAAAH-HAAAH! *writhes a bit*

Voldemort: …You’re not even going to fight back?

Harry: … *throws wand aside*

Voldemort: *snarls* You’re weak. Weak. Just…like…your…parents. *chuckles darkly* They did not deserve to live in this world—in my! World! Prepare to join them. Prepare…to die.

Nagini: I’m also still in the movie.

Tobuscus: Don’t sleep yet, Harry, he’s gonna kill you, LOOK OUT!

Voldemort: AVADA KEDAVRA!

Harry’s dead body: *fall down go boom*

~Huh. I seem to have greatly embellished on a conversation between a bunch of Marauders and other dudes. I’M SURE NO ONE SAW THAT COMING.~

Review or your best friend’ll pretty much ignore you in favor of a different friend right before he goes off to die. What a guy. I love him so.


	10. Teh ABORTED VOLDEFETUS

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from the book/movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other book, movie, or game in the series, Lord of the Rings, To Boldly Flee, A Very Potter Musical, Suburban Knights, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Kickassia, or that one WB frog cartoon song thing.

~And now we’re in heaven, apparently. Or limbo. Or something.~

Book readers: Aww, we wanted to see him naked!

Movie watchers: …

Harry: Oh man. What did I do last night? *slowly gets up and takes in his surroundings, not even noticing that he’s not wearing his jacket or glasses anymore* I thought I put on a long-sleeve shirt, why am I suddenly in a T-shirt. And what the fuck is that noise.

Bench thing: *exists*

Voldefetus: *also exists*

Harry: Oh ew, that’s not right.

Voldefetus: *dons a top hat and cane, bursts into song* Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal—

Dumbledore: Don’t mind the bleeding baby on the floor, just leave him there.

Harry: …Holy fuck, you changed your outfit.

Dumbledore: Of course, for I am Dumbledore the White.

Harry: But…If we showed him just a little human kindness, even now—

Dumbledore: Nope! We’re moving on, now!

Harry: …Just because it’s an ugly baby doesn’t mean we can’t show it a little basic human decency, I mean we’re supposed to be the good guys—

Dumbledore: I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU.

Harry: …I’m sorry, but I’m just not that into you.

Dumbledore: Ah well, worth a shot. Let us walk.

Harry: I told you, I’m not—

Dumbledore: As friends, Jesus.

Jesus: Yo?

Dumbledore: In a sec, man, in a sec.

Jesus: M’kay. *vanishes back into the light*

Harry: So what was with the aborted fetus, anyway?

Dumbledore: It’s something beyond either of our help.

Harry: You’re not even going to try?

Dumbledore: I never liked kids.

Harry: You taught in a school.

Dumbledore: Your point?

Harry: I’m going back for it. *goes back for it*

Dumbledore: Oh for fuck’s sake…

Harry: Hey, Dumbledore!

Dumbledore: What now?

Harry: Go long! *chucks infant*

Voldefetus: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Dumbledore: Ah shit, missed.

Harry: No problem, we can try again—

Dumbledore: No, that’s quite enough of that, we really need to talk now.

Harry: Where are we, anyway?

Dumbledore: You are in the house of Elrond. And it is ten o’clock in the morning, on October the twenty-fourth, if you want to know.

Harry: …

Dumbledore: Oh bite me, it’s fun.

Harry: Apparently it looks like King’s Cross station, only blindingly white to the point of looking like a really brightly lit museum, also minus people and trains and all the things that actually make up a train station.

Dumbledore: No kidding. Harry, could you back up a bit? You’re practically standing on my robes.

Harry: Oh, sorry, sir…Your hands change positions in between cuts.

Dumbledore: It looks like we filmed this more than once and I only remembered to clasp my hands, but not specifically how.

Harry: …Aren’t we supposed to be talking right now, sir?

Dumbledore: Yeah, but we’re waiting to get to this bench right here. *sits down on it* Take a seat.

Harry: *is still gaping at his surroundings*

Dumbledore: Harry, you know how you used to have—sit down!

Harry: *quickly complies*

Dumbledore: You know how you used to have a part of Voldemort’s soul living within you?

Harry: Yeah, I do know that you kept that from me and likely manipulated my entire life up until this moment, yes.

Dumbledore: Well that Horcrux…is now that bloody and mangled baby you just threw at me.

Harry: …What the hell.

Dumbledore: Harry, it’s time for you to learn all the things you should’ve known seven years ago, which really would’ve helped you along the way. *pulls out clipboard* The love shield protected you the first time, uh, Voldemort accidentally turned you into the seventh Horcrux, one that not even he knew about, uh—

Harry: That’s how I survived the first time.

Dumbledore: Exactly, and when Voldemort tried killing you this time, he was actually…unknowingly killing the piece of himself instead of you…Uh, and I’ve known the whole time. *broad smile*

Harry: What?! You knew this whole time?! You bastard!

Dumbledore: Hey, hey, hey. They don’t call me the greatest wizard who ever lived for nothing.

Harry: …

Dumbledore: So are you going or are you staying?

Harry: I have a choice?

Dumbledore: Yep. And every fic about the afterlife, from this moment on, will involve dead people boarding or leaving trains because of this statement.

Harry: And where would this train take me?

Dumbledore: Straight down to hell with the rest of us.

Harry: Oh, awesome.

Dumbledore: *gets up* Ignore that train whistle, Harry, we both know you’re going to come back to life.

Jesus: Stealing my bloody shtick—

Dumbledore: Don’t you have an apocalypse to plan or something?

Jesus: Dude, I got till the twenty-first, I got plenty of time.

Dumbledore: …You’re almost a whole year late.

Jesus: …Oh fuck, Dad’s gonna be so pissed with me… *runs off again*

Harry: The afterlife’s fucked up as shit. *gets up* Voldemort has the Elder Wand.

Dumbledore: No, you do.

Harry: …Well that makes my life way easier. But Nagini’s still alive.

Dumbledore: True dat, yo.

Harry: And Ron and Hermione totally won’t be able to kill it with the numerous basilisk fangs they’ve brought up.

Dumbledore: You’re dumb. And if those somehow don’t work, help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it.

Harry: …I still like Richard Harris, but that did not suck in the slightest, well done, sir.

Dumbledore: Thank you, my boy. I’ve always prided myself on my ability to pull random crap out of my ass and make it sound good. Words are, in my not so humble opinion—

Harry: Wow, I forgot how modest you could be.

Dumbledore: Shut up, I’m talking. Words are our most inexhaustible source of magic.

Harry: Thought that was music.

Dumbledore: Close second. Actually, both can hurt and heal, can’t they? That’s a good point, well done, Harry. Although I am changing one of JKR’s quotes.

Harry: Oh great, this certainly won’t have any kind of negative backlash.

Dumbledore: Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who deserve it. And Neville Longbottom deserves it far more than you ever will.

Harry: Agreed. Though…Who are we to decide who does or does not deserve to be helped?

Dumbledore: I’m Albus Fucking Dumbledore, I do what I want. And now for a quote I am not going to change due to it being pretty damn powerful: Do not pity the dead. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love.

Harry: …So pity the first ten years of my life, then?

Dumbledore: How else do you think you got so successful without first grabbing everyone’s sympathies with the abusive family backstory?

Harry: That was your plan all along, wasn’t it?!

Dumbledore: YEP! *wide grin*

Harry: ABRUPT TOPIC CHANGE THAT REALLY SHOULD’VE BEEN LEFT ALONE. Was my mother’s Patronus a doe?

Dumbledore: Uh-huh!

Harry: The same as Professor Snape’s.

Dumbledore: Professor Sn…Whoa, you actually got it that time!

Harry: …It doesn’t mean he’s my real father, does it?

Fanfiction writers: I KNEW IT!

Dumbledore: *eyeroll* It just means that he was in love with her, you malodorous perverts.

iheartmwpp: See? This is what happens when you cut things that you don’t consider to be important. Other people get extremely confused. And you can’t say that Remus and Tonks’ relationship doesn’t pertain to Harry either, they made him godfather of their child. HOW IS THAT INSIGNIFICANT.

Harry: Oh, that’s why, okay, really sorry for bringing it up.

Dumbledore: As you should be. *starts to walk away*

Harry: Professor?

Dumbledore: *stops and turns around*

Harry: …Is this all real? Or is it just happening inside my head?

Dumbledore: Of course it’s happening inside your head, Harry! Why should that mean that it’s not real?

Writers and creators the world over: *suddenly feel verified. And significantly less crazy*

Harry: PROFESSOR! REMEMBER HOW I WAS ALL CONFIDENT AND SHIT IN THE BOOK?

Dumbledore: Indeed, it appeared as though you were finally all grown up and able to make your own decisions, no longer needing to be held by the hand as if you were a child. *dissolves into the light*

Harry: PROFESSOR I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO SHOULD I DIE OR SHOULD I GO BACK AND IF I GO BACK I HAVE NO PLAN PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO I NEED YOU I WANT MY MUMMY I WANT MY BLANKIE I NEED MY NAPPY CHANGED WAAH WAAH BABY HARRY WANTS MILK SOMEBODY FETCH ME A NIPPLE.

Limbo: Oh fuck this guy. *kicks him out*

Voldemort: I LIIIIIIVE!

Bellatrix: Someone help me! My Lord has fallen and he can’t get up.

Voldemort: Yes I can. *tries to get up and falls back down again*

Bellatrix: …Fine, I’ll get it. *helps him up*

Voldemort: Thanks. *shoves her back to the ground*

Bellatrix: Why do we hang out.

Narcissa: *walks toward supposedly dead body*

Bellatrix: He dead?

Narcissa: What do you think I’m doing?! *bends down and fondles Harry’s chest*

Harry: Do not react, do not react…

Narcissa: I’ll tell him you’re dead if you tell me Draco’s alive.

Harry: He is totally alive.

Narcissa: Hey, wouldn’t it be great if he actually wasn’t but you said he was and after you killed the Dark Lord I slit your throat in grief and betrayal?

Harry: Now that’s an interesting plot bunny.

Hagrid: OH GOD PLEASE TELL ME HE’S ALIVE.

Narcissa: Yep. *stands up and turns to Voldemort* You’ve done it, my Lord! Potter is dead! No one shall ever question your powers again!

Voldemort: Yes…

Narcissa: …Does this please you, my Lord?

Voldemort: Uh…yeah. Yeah, it’s great. I just thought it’d make me feel less empty inside.

Bellatrix: My Lord? Do you not want to verify it for yourself?

Voldemort: *ignores her and turns to the rest of his Death Eaters* My friends, this is indeed a great day. We have given birth to a new nation!

Death Eaters: YAAAAH!

Voldemort: And there will be government, rules, and a new democracy to live by!

Dolohov: Why a democracy?

Voldemort: Because I say so. And I will be your president!

Death Eaters: YAAAAAAAY!

Voldemort: Bellatrix will be your vice president!

Death Eaters: YAAAAAAAAAY!

Voldemort: AND MY CAPE JUST CAME UNDONE!

Death Eaters: HOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Voldemort: And as my first order as your president, I shall build a table. A round table, so that everyone can look each other in the eye!

Bellatrix: Well that’s a good idea. It’s like everyone’s equal.

Voldemort: Yes! And I shall be elevated above you! In a rocket chair! A magnificent rocket chair! So I can look down on all of you and see just how equal we all are!

Death Eaters: ….Yaaaaaaaay.

~Isn’t it convenient that Voldemort chose to not perform Legillimency or doesn’t check the body himself?~

Review or you’ll be thrown around like a football as a baby. WHEEEEEEE!


	11. Teh HARRY STOP BLOWING UP HOGWARTS

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from the book/movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other book, movie, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, A Very Potter Senior Year, Dragonball Z Abridged, Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged, A Very Potter Sequel, The Little Mermaid, or Molly being a badass.

~LOOK AT THOSE ROCKS. LOOK AT THOSE FEET. LOOK AT THAT HAT. IT’S SO AWESOME LOOK AT THEM.~

Neville: The hell did this conveniently get here? *picks up Sorting Hat and wipes some of the dust off it*

Sorty: NO DON’T DO THAT I NEED THAT DUST TO LIIIIIVE.

Sword of Gryffindor: I are shiny.

Neville: OH GOD MY EYES. *looks up* Oh hey, Death Eaters. I wonder if that ONE HOUR Voldemort gave us several hours ago back in the dead of night ran out yet. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen Harry in a while…I HAVE A LIMP.

Harry: How did Hagrid not frantically check for vital signs himself?

Hagrid: I think everyone expected me ter be more visibly torn up over Harry’s “death,” but I prefer ter look at is as if I’ve gone numb with shock, which is certainly possible with grief.

Death Eaters: WE ARE WALKING.

Voldemort: Move, bitch, get out the way.

Giant corpse: Oh you suck.

Voldemort: …My cheeks look oddly fat, if only I had a nose to balance out my face…

Death Eaters: So when’s the party gonna start, we’re all acting like we’re preparing for a funeral or something.

Neville: I still have a limp.

Various people: WE ARE COMING OUT OF THE CASTLE.

Nagini: I still exist…I think they went without the giant space bubble thing on account of it looking kind of dumb as hell.

Voldemort: …I look grumpy, what the hell, I should be way more cheerful. Eh, I s’pose I’ll make up for it in a sec.

Ginny: Who is that? Hagrid’s carrying?

Arthur: …Maybe try for one sentence next time, sweetie?

Ginny: Neville, who is it?

Neville: I don’t know, Voldemort’s in the way, I can’t see shit. 

Voldemort: Harry Potter…is dead.

Ginny: OMFG I CAN ACTUALLY ACT WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN.

Voldemort: Shut up, bitch. Harry Potter was killed while running away, trying to save himself, while you laid down your lives for him. The battle…is won! My Death Eaters outnumber you. Continue to resist, and be slaughtered. Kneel before me, and you may. Be. Spared.

McGonagall: Fuck that noise!

Ron and Hermione: …Knowing this would happen and actually experiencing it are two completely different things.

Voldemort: *turns around to face his Death Eaters* I’ve killed a seventeen-year-old after continuously failing to kill him when he was sixteen, fifteen, fourteen, eleven, and one! And twelve, but I wasn’t technically there at the time so that doesn’t count. Point is, he’s dead now! Damn I’m awesome! BOW BEFORE ME.

Death Eaters: *obligingly guffaw and have a lovely chortle fest*

Voldemort: *laughs really weirdly and bursts into song* To dance again/I’ve been waiting all these years/To dance again/And now at once a chance appears/It’s lovely swaying when the music’s playing/Come on, let’s dance again! 

Bellatrix: I’S STANDING ON A THINGY!

Slughorn: Well this bites.

Pomfrey: No kidding.

Sprout: I’m back for the finale! And…so far, it kinda sucks.

Filch: Meow.

Voldemort: …None of you are gonna join me? Come on, it’s fun! We have Taco Tuesdays and everything!

Lucius: Draco!

Hogwarts students: LET’S ALL STARE AT HIM!

Lucius: GET OVER HERE.

Draco: …Not too sure I wanna.

Luna: Yeah, now we’re talking!

Narcissa: Draco…Now.

Draco: …Yes, Mother. *starts to walk over*

Luna: HA! What a little mama’s boy!

Hogwarts students: *start chanting* Mama’s boy! Mama’s boy!

McGonagall: Never liked that one.

Voldemort: See? Sometimes it’s good to be a little mama’s boy, isn’t it? *goes up and hugs Draco*

Draco: …Thanks. I feel the love.

Voldemort: Good, that’s what I was going for. *pats Draco on the head* Pat pat pat pat pat.

Dean: That’s just…weird somehow. It’s almost funny.

McLaggen: I dunno, I think it’s pretty creepy, I see what they were going for.

Cho: I’m looking in the entirely wrong direction.

Narcissa: HUGGLES!

Draco: I never want to be hugged by anyone ever again for the rest of my life.

Lucius: HUGGLES!

Draco: WHAT DID I JUST SAY.

Neville: … *limps forward*

Hermione: Aaaaaand there goes our last hope.

Ron: We are so…completely screwed.

Voldemort: Oh please, you’re wearing a bloody cardigan, no one who’s badass has ever worn a cardigan! That’s so stupid!

Harry: Remus’s body’s probably rolling around in the Great Hall now, and freaking the fuck out of anyone who might still be in there.

Remus: …Dude. The whole cardigan being a symbolic type thing of leadership was your idea.

Harry: Quiet you.

Death Eaters: WE ARE LAUGHING.

Voldemort: Who the hell is this guy, anyway?

Neville: Neville Longbottom.

Death Eaters: …Why are we laughing, we should be freaking out due to his connection to Frank, Alice, and Augusta.

Bellatrix: Why haven’t I used magic to clean my teeth yet, you’d think I’d want to make myself as appealing for my Lord as I possibly can.

Voldemort: Okay, we start with the grunt work, you know, cleaning out latrines and so on, then you can move up to starting to torture and kill Muggles under our command, and eventually you’ll be able to choose your own targets and maybe be trusted with a few of my secrets and such, sound like a plan?

Neville: I’d like to say something. Go fuck yourself.

Voldemort: …Seriously, why am I not avada kedavra-ing this guy right now, look how annoyed I am. You threw off my groove, man, people get defenestrated for less than that!

Neville: Now I might not be the brightest knife in the crayon box…but in my opinion, it doesn’t matter that Harry’s gone.

Seamus: I HAVE LOST SO MUCH RESPECT FOR YOU.

Neville: People die every day! Today, a tad more than usual, admittedly, but my point still stands! Look, everything has an end. Even the lives of family and friends. Everything has an end, even when it doesn’t make sense. The important thing is that he’ll always live on in our hearts and in our memories.

Percy: EPIC POUTING MANEUVER.

Ron: …My eyes look totally black for some reason.

Neville: And so will Fred, and Remus, and Tonks.

Harry: And Lavender, apparently. And Colin. And there were fifty or so other bodies in the great hall, but I suppose they’re not named so who gives a shit, it’s just a statistic so no one cares. YEAH WARS ARE AWESOME.

Seamus and Katie: …Wait, who was Tonks again?

Leanne: I WAS IN HUFFLEPUFF THIS WHOLE TIME?! HOLY SHIT THAT’S AWESOME.

Neville: Sure they all died, but so will Voldemort over there, so it’s totally awesome.

Voldemort: Oh, this guy’s a fucking riot, he is.

Neville: We are gonna fight! And we are gonna fight so hard, that we’re gonna win. *bursts into song* He thinks that we’re finished/He thinks that we’re done/He thinks that it’s over/His battle is won, HA!/He thinks that we’re finished/But we aren’t through/Stop and think, my friends/What would Harry do for you?

Luna: *bursts into song* Harry never gave up the fight/Harry stood up for what is right/Well now it’s our turn—

Voldemort: Um, I can hear you, you know.

Neville: Good! DUMBLEDORE’S ARMY!

Students: *huge-ass roar* We must unite/So we can FIGHT!/Turn the battle around/Time’s running out/It’s time to shooooout/Voldemort is goiiiiing—

Neville, Ron, Hermione, Luna, and Ginny: We must unite/So we can fight—

Everyone in the entire school who’s still alive: VOLDEMORT IS GOING DOWN!

Voldemort: *cackling* Don’t make me laugh, I’m pissing!

Neville: *turns around* George! Inspire us! Say something stoic!

George: I WANNA DIE!

Neville: Perfect! *turns back* Harry’s had dipping for us!

iheartmwpp: …What?

Neville: Harry’s heart did beat for us!

iheartmwpp: Ohh…

Neville: *bursts into song again* It’s not over/It’s not over/NO IT’S! NOT! O! VER! YEEEEEEET! *pulls sword out of hat*

Harry: Eh, good a time as any, I suppose. *rolls out of Hagrid’s arms* I LIIIIIIIVE!

Voldemort: …I should just turn around and zap Narcissa, I really should.

Harry: The last time Hermione tried this, she killeded my wand…BUT I HAVE THE ELDER WAND NOW SO THIS SHOULD TOTALLY WORK CONFRINGO!

Nagini: HEY that barely did anything.

Death Eaters: Knocked a bunch of us out, though.

Hermione, George, Ginny, and a bunch of others: WOOT WOOT!

Ron: …Seriously, what the fuck’s up with my eyes today.

Harry: I HAVE RETURNED TO THE LAND OF THE LIVING. MY FIRST ACT SHALL BE TO jump behind this cloister thing over here.

Voldemort: And now I shall blow the fuck out of Hogwarts personally. GNYAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Harry: You missed.

Voldemort: I know.

Harry: All five shots.

Voldemort: I know.

Harry: Five.

Voldemort: I KNOW!

Death Eaters: …So many of us are Apparating away.

Bellatrix: LUCIUS! COME BACK AND FIGHT!

Lucius: …I didn’t go anywhere.

Bellatrix: …Oh.

Voldemort: Aaaaaaaand I’m losing all my followers. Great, that’s just great…HEY A CLEAN SHOT AT NARCISSA! Think I’ll go back to trying to kill this kid with magic, since that’s worked so well the last several dozen times I’ve tried it.

Harry: I’ll lure him into the castle, which shouldn’t be too hard since all of us just went back inside the castle. Don’t forget to kill the snake!

Kingsley: *blocks random spell* Why the snake, why not the actual dude?

Harry: I’ll explain everything later!

Hermione: Presumably I just gave you a basilisk fang or something.

Neville: This thing is so damn awesome. Oh my God, every wizard should have a sword, not these stupid drumsticks, forget about ‘em! *throws his wand away and starts slashing at air*

Voldemort: I blast you with a generic spell that isn’t the Killing Curse!

Neville: WHEEEEEEEEEEEE—ow.

Voldemort: USE THIS MESSED-UP FACE IN ALL THE TRAILERS! *Disapparates with Nagini…with no black smoke to be found*

Narcissa and Draco: *are walking away from the school hand in hand*

Lucius: …Darling? Wouldn’t it be better for us to Disapparate so that we don’t get hit in the back from either the Light for being Death Eaters or our own guys for being traitors?

Narcissa: Don’t be silly, Lucius, now come along.

Lucius: …Yes, dear. *runs after her*

Harry: Okay, he should be following behind me…He is not following behind me. Probably because he can now Apparate wherever the fuck he wants, why haven’t I utilized that yet?! Man, I just keep hearing noises everywhere—MERLIN’S KNICKERS WHAT WAS THAT. *blows up a part of Hogwarts* …If anyone asks, Voldemort did that. Good thing there’s no one here aside from these prone bodies of Hogwarts students who may or may not be dead…Sigh, it hasn’t even been a month since Sandy Hook, this is hitting a little too close to home at the moment.

Voldemort: *Apparates in* Okay, I just Apparated all over the castle, where the hell is he.

Harry: EYEBALL. Fang.

Fang: ‘Sup?

Harry: No, not you, basilisk tooth thing.

Fang: Oh. Okay, then.

Harry: …You even still alive?

Fang: Iunno.

Voldemort: Hmm, where to look next—

Harry: SURPRISE!

Voldemort: Oh, there you are! *shoots several green spells at him*

Harry: …Am I blocking repeated nonverbal Killing Curses with nonverbal Shield Charms? I mean I know I have control over the Elder Wand now, but still…

Nagini: La de da de do…

Voldemort: I shall now Apparate behind you in order to disorient you.

Harry: …Is that even a verb? Also priori incantatem will always fucking work no matter what wands we use.

Voldemort: Why.

Harry: I dunno, I guess it just looks really cool—Oh hey, a Horcrux.

Nagini: ‘Sup, bitch.

Voldemort: Oh yeah, like you can focus on two things at once.

Harry: Good point, think I’ll just blow up this staircase above you.

Voldemort: You are so footing the bill on Hogwarts rebuildingness.

Harry: You’re not even gonna use real words anymore, are you.

Nagini: A couple of rocks just fell on my head, and now I have an owie.

Harry: I CUT YOU.

Voldemort: I am standing dramatically when I could be using this crucial moment to aim a diffindo at your neck.

Harry: And now I run away and jump down to a lower staircase to avoid the nonspecific black stuff you’re shooting at me right now. What does that crap even do, anyway?

Voldemort: …I don’t really know. But I do know that I just destroyed your basilisk fang. AND NOW I AIM FO YO HEAD.

Harry: AND YOU KEEP MISSING, DONTCHA. *runs away*

Voldemort: And now Apparating consists of transforming into a giant cloud of black smoke again. I really wish they’d pick a theme and stick with it.

Nagini: I kinda wanted to see Harry surrounded by white smoke, that would’ve looked really awesome—OW my face.

Hermione: I’m gonna try my hardest to kill you right now.

Book readers: Eh, we’re not worried, even Kloves wouldn’t fuck this up.

Hermione: Me throwing another rock at Nagini’s head has caused Neville to regain consciousness.

Neville: Damn…Would someone turn that triumphant music down, I’m trying to be unconscious here. Actually, judging by the fair amount of blood on my face, I might well have a concussion, so it’s probably a good thing I woke up when I did, eh? *sits up groggily, oblivious to the people bursting into flames and flying across the great hall behind him* I don’t think I was blown this far back, I think someone dragged me over here…Oh hey, a shiny sword thing.

Harry: I don’t remember this part of the castle at all, where the hell are we and why isn’t this place mostly destroyed.

Voldemort: It is surprisingly intact, isn’t it. Here, let me rectify that. *throws odd silvery spell at Harry*

Harry: I thought you were gonna blow up the area—and the bridge just collapsed under my feet, that’s lovely. Luckily the drop was only about twenty feet and I am somehow fine. I will now grovel away—hang on, did you just grab me with your robes?!

Voldemort: What, I thought it looked cool.

Harry: Sure thing, Ursula, whatever you say.

Voldemort: …Why am I not strangling you or just snapping your neck while you’re like this?

Harry: You tell me!

Nagini: My Lord’s super dumb, I should really look into hanging out with someone else…Hey, Mudblood, what do you think?

Hermione: I think I’m serving as a distraction so that Ron can sneak up on you and stab you.

Nagini: …I don’t follow.

Ron: EAT FANG, BITCH!

Nagini: Nah, not too fond of dog, but thanks for playing our game. *lunges at him*

Ron: HOW DID I NOT GET BITTEN JUST THEN. *drops fang* Damn, and the Summoning Charm doesn’t work anymore, bugger.

Nagini: Hiss.

Bellatrix: I’M JUST HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE ALL UP IN THIS BITCH.

Ginny: If you wanted to kill me, why not use the Killing Curse?

Bellatrix: Iunno.

Ginny: Well I seem to be holding my own against you, blocked that last spell easily enough, so let’s keep going, shall—

Molly: *jumps up in front of her* Not my daughter, you bitch!

Ginny: …Mum, I had everything under control—

Arthur: Get behind me, pathetic female person.

Ginny: I hate all of you.

George: I’m just kinda standing here.

Molly: ZAP!

Bellatrix: Block.

Molly: Crap, slipped a little, it’s hard to balance on these tables.

Bellatrix: I SHALL NOW PRESS MY ADVANTAGE!

Molly: Ah, crap. *blocks barrage of spells* You can help me any time, love!

Arthur: Nah, I’m good.

Molly: …Fuggit. *throws spell after spell at Bellatrix, finally hitting her with one that apparently sucks all the moisture from her body or something, which has got to be some form of Dark Magic* BAM!

Bellatrix: *explodes*

Molly: BOO YAH.

Bellatrix: …Why did I explode?

~I love how they made Molly smiled after her son died—I mean after she killed Bellatrix. Which was moments after her son died.~

Review or Harry’ll help blow up Hogwarts 'cause he's awesome like that.


	12. Teh THAT WAS FUN, LET’S DO IT AGAIN

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from the book/movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other book, movie, or game in the series, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Monty Python’s Life of Brian, A Very Potter Musical, Kickassia, Whose Line Is It Anyway, or that dumbass face melding thing that looked like shit.

~I think that whole “Why do you live?” pre-snogging session that was shown in every single trailer ever was meant to take place somewhere around here.~

Voldemort: Hmm, let’s see, I could snap your neck with my evil tentacle robes…OR I COULD LET YOU FALL TO THE FLOOR, WALK UP TO YOU, AND SLAP YOU AND KICK YOU AND STUFF.

Harry: Beating me totally works, I didn’t need those ribs anyway.

Voldemort: *grabs Harry’s neck* Oh, this is where the snogging scene would’ve taken place, okay.

Harry: That’s nice, d’you think you could stop strangling me now?

Voldemort: Oh, sure, sorry. *thwows Hawwy to the floor*

Harry: *gets back up* You killed my family. And I don’t like that kind of thing. I am so gonna beat your ass.

Voldemort: What the fuck you on about?

Harry: Think about all the people you’ve hurt, Voldemort, all the lives you’ve destroyed. All the people you’ve killed. Okay? Maybe try a little slice of remorse pie.

Voldemort: *slaps him again* The joke’s on you, Potter, I don’t care about anybody!

Harry: I know! And that’s what makes you such a piece of shit.

Voldemort: *nearly blasts him off the castle with a burst of wind from his wand*

Harry: Also you’re totally not the master of the Elder Wand.

Voldemort: Yeah I am! I killeded Snape and stuff!

Harry: No you didn’t, Nagini did.

Voldemort: Oh…Shit. Well I can’t kill Nagini, she’s my last Horcrux.

Harry: I know, what a dilemma, am I right? But even then, it’s totally not yours, and I’m not gonna explain until after you’re dead.

Voldemort: Oh you bitch. *looms over him*

Harry: Come on, Tom. Let’s finish this the way we started it.

Voldemort: …In a cottage with you in a crib, wearing a Blue’s Clues onesie when that show wouldn’t come out for several more years? 

Harry: HUGGLES! *huggles Voldemort*

Voldemort: I’m not a very huggy person—HOLY FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKIIIIIIING.

Harry: MERLIN’S PSN ACCOUNT THIS WAS A REALLY BAD IDEAAAAA…

Voldemort: Okay, we are falling through the air, except that I can fly, but it’s kind of annoying with you weighing me down and also I really want you dead, so why am I not blasting you off of me with mah wandy-poo.

Harry: Iunno, but we are flying through black smoke now, and wouldn’t it have been awesome if I was using the white smoke and junk?

Voldemort: Wouldn’t it have been interesting if any of your side used the white smoke. Also it might’ve given Snape away.

Harry: Yeah, this was always kind of a stupid idea. Also you might want to watch you for various sections of the castle we’re about to fly into—OW my femur.

Voldemort: Ah, but you see—OW my earlobe—I am intentionally flying into the castle in order to attempt to shake you off.

Harry: Oh, okay…Do you have to rip my scalp off while you’re doing that?

Voldemort: Not really, but it is fun.

Harry: …OKAY THEN.

Voldemort: …

Harry: …

Voldemort: …Why did our faces just fuse together?

Harry: I don’t know.

Voldemort: …

Harry: …Looks kinda—

Voldemort: Fucking retarded?

Harry: Basically.

Voldemort: …

Harry: …

Voldemort: Let us land and never speak of this again.

Harry: Agreed. *they crash into the courtyard in front of the entrance hall*

Voldemort: Ouch! I fell and hurt my tummy!

Harry: Well that could’ve gone better—Oh hey, Draco’s wand which is basically the Elder Wand that I am the master of and stuff.

Voldemort: Oh hey, the actual Elder Wand…Which apparently is busted or whatever…Why do I not carry my own wand with me anymore, if only for backup’s sake or DUAL WIELDING TWO WANDS WHICH WOULD BE FUCKING AWESOME WHY AM I DUMB.

Harry: Friggin’ fake rock, get outta my way.

Voldemort: I WIN!

Harry: NO I WIN!

Voldemort: *rises to his knees*

Harry: *looks like he’s standing but is also on his knees*

Voldemort: I SHOULD BE SHOUTING AVADA KEDAVRA BUT INSTEAD I’M JUST BELLOWING INCOMPREHENSIBLYYYYYY!

Harry: I’M NOT SHOUTING EXPELLIARMUS, NOR AM I SHOUTING MUCH OF ANYTHING REALLY!

Voldemort: My tongue is practically sticking out from the effort of maintaining this spell, that’s actually rather amusing.

Nagini: I’m still trying to nom bitches.

Ron: We’re going really quickly down these stairs, I’m surprised we’re not constantly tripping over them.

Hermione: Rolling down would be a lot faster. As would taking more than one stair at a time, what the fuck.

Ron: Also, since we’re about to die, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you since around fourth year at least if not earlier.

Hermione: I don’t want you to say anything you wouldn’t say if we weren’t about to be killed by a giant snake. It’ll just ruin it.

Ron: Okay then. I’m in love with you.

Hermione: WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY?!

Ron: You told me not to say anything I wouldn’t say if we weren’t about to be killed by a giant snake.

Hermione: WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU JUST DID.

Ron: No it isn’t, of course I’d say it even if we weren’t getting chased by a giant snake. It’s just…Well, I’ve been meaning to say it for some time, but I could never gather the courage to just spit it out. And, since we’re about to be killed by a giant snake, this seems like the only chance I’ll get to do it, since I want you to know if one or both of us dies.

Hermione: Ohhhhhhh. That’s kind of sweet, then.

Ron: I know.

Voldemort: I know the audience needed this extreme close-up of my lack of nose.

Audience: *projectile vomits*

Harry: I’m not sure, but I think he’s starting to beat me back a little.

Ron: Imma turn around and try some random spell. *turns around and tries some random spell*

Teddy: *jumps up on iheart’s lap and rests practically on the laptop, which is also on her lap*

iheartmwpp: …Teddy, get the fuck off, I’m trying to finish this.

Teddy: *is actually purring audibly for once*

iheartmwpp: AAARGH WHY ARE YOU SO CUTE I HATE YOU.

Nagini: Random spell didn’t work, BTdubs.

Ron: Oh bollocks. Also Hermione and I just fell on a pile of rocks. Ow.

Hermione: THIS IS SUCH A FUN DATE!

Nagini: DINNER TIME, BITCHES!

Neville: I’M AWESOOOOME! *cuts Nagini’s head off, which makes her dissolve somehow*

Ron: I WILL SHIELD YOU, MY BELOVED!

Hermione: Why, did the Horcrux emit shitty looking Voldefaces again?

Ron: Think it’s about to, yes.

Hermione: Well in that case, thank you, dearest.

Voldemort: …I don’t feel so good.

Harry: I only assume I halted my own spell because I’ve been fighting for the past twelve hours or so and also died at one point so I’m a bit worn out.

Neville: …What’s with this weird Voldeface smoke crap? It kinda looks really dumb.

Voldemort: That hurted my feelingses. *cries*

Harry: Oh yeah, film’s almost over, let’s do this.

Voldemort: Okay, but only if we do it completely nonverbally and drag out the whole priori incantatem again completely unnecessarily for rule of cool purposes.

Harry: Have it your way, it’s your dying moment anyway, I’ll give it to ya.

Voldemort: …Why is the red light overcoming the green light. And why are there now more cracks in the Elder Wand and stuff.

Harry: After I overcame you with the red light, it looks like I cast expelliarmus again nonverbally immediately after or something.

Voldemort: Oh this just isn’t my day.

Elder Wand: WAIT FOR ME MY MASTER!

Harry: *grabs it* Mine.

Voldemort: …Why is your disarming me making me dissolve?

Harry: Ew, Voldefetti…Wait, I’m not getting a body? Aaand this happened in kind of a secluded area with only those four or five people in the cloisters over there…So once I claim that Voldemort’s dead for good this time, no one’s gonna believe me. This is a problem, everyone’s gonna think he’s gonna come back one day, this sucks. Least in canon we had a crowd and there was a body. Hell, considering you’re currently being scattered to the winds, what’s to stop some future evil wizard from collecting the pieces and putting you back together again for realzies?

Voldemort: …Sequel…fodder… *dissolves into little skin and robe flakes and splatters all over 3D audiences, who can’t resist reaching out and attempting to take a little part of Voldemort for themselves*

Neville: Well that was cool.

Luna: I’m coming over to sit next to you.

Neville: Hey, wanna date this summer?

Luna: Only this summer? Sure, I could use some experience dating.

Neville: Likewise, really.

Harry: WOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOO! VOLDEMORT IS GONE AT LAST! AND FOR GOOD THIS TIME!

Angry Joe: FREEDOM! WONDERFUL, GLORIOUS FREEDOM! SHINE AND BASK IN THE GLORY OF YOUR NEW WORLD! AHAHAHAHAHA!

Everyone else who survived: Cool. Let’s casually hang out and chat for the rest of the movie.

Harry: …O…kay…?

George: …I’m smiling. Must still be in denial or something.

Molly: I’m probably still riding the high of killing Bellatrix.

Ginny: Am I the only one who’s actually sad about Fred—HARRY JAMES POTTER I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD YOU ARE GETTING NOTHING FOR SEVERAL YEARS AT LEAST.

Harry: …Yeah, should probably talk to her about that…Eh, we’ll just skip all that difficult stuff and go right to the happy ending where we can assume that everything worked out for the best.

Cho: None of the other people wearing their current random attire changed back entirely to their uniform when the great hall scene happened, why was I the only one who had to…I mean, er, chocolate frogs, Harry Potter did it, y’all!

Harry: Thanks, Cho.

Aberforth: Seriously, dude, you’re freakishly tall.

Dean: I know, it’s awesome, right?!

Aberforth: And you, you’re shorter than Harry!

Seamus: I know already, quit rubbing it in, old man!

Harry: That reminds me, should probably talk to those goblins, maybe we could work something out…

Slughorn: I wear too many damn robes, my wand was hidden like five layers down, I’m seriously surprised that I’m alive right now.

Rest of Hogwarts staff: Kinda wishin’ Voldemort would come back and wipe us out right about now.

Hagrid: Hey, Harry.

Harry: Hagrid! *huggles*

Hagrid: Yeh’d expect this ter be a bit more meaningful, considerin’ I held yeh in my arms while I thought you were dead, but nah, I’ll just hug yeh awkwardly and shuffle off now.

Harry: …Maybe if this scene had any kind of music, even if it evoked just the slightest touch of hope for the future or relief that a great threat had just been vanquished, this wouldn’t have quite the funeral atmosphere that it does and that the book distinctly lacked..

Filch: What a mess. How will I ever clean this? *throws a rock aside* Hmm…Might as well start by clearing this ginormous pile of rubble. With a broom.

Mrs. Norris: You do that, I’m just gonna sit here, directly in your way and impeding any progress you want to make since you can’t even nudge me aside since I just look so gosh darn comfortable.

Teddy: *digs his claws into iheart’s leg as he yawns*

iheartmwpp: Okay, seriously, get the fuck off. *nudges him off the couch entirely* Don’t give me that look, I got shit to do!

Filch: Seriously, how the fuck am I gonna clear this up.

Colin Mochrie: WAIT! THE CAT!

Ryan Stiles: *dies of laughter*

Ron and Hermione: We’re still in the movie!

Harry: Hey, wonder where you two headed off to! Didya hear I beat Voldemort?

Ron: Nice.

Harry: …The sad thing is that that was the most enthusiastic response I’ve heard all day. I notice you two are holding hands.

Hermione: Yep! Have fun officially being the third wheel!

Harry: I really need to speak to Ginny…

Broken Down Trio of We Really Needed A Vacation: WE ARE NOW OUTSIDE. Hey, wouldn’t it have been awesome if the entire castle came out and raised their wand out of respect for the dead like what happened two films ago, only we all shouted reparo at the same time? Wouldn’t that have been awesome?

Hermione: Also this bridge is probably really unstable. Wouldn’t it suck if we lived through all of this only to have the bridge collapse beneath us and we all fall to our deaths?

Harry: You know what would be even more awesome? If I just committed suicide since my purpose in life has been fulfilled.

Ron: I’ll help! I could knock you down with this rock I just picked up!

Hermione: Yeah, or we could do none of those things.

Harry: Surprised the great hall hasn’t collapsed yet, to be honest. Wonder if I could actually use this thing to help fix things before I snapped it in half. Like my old wand, for instance. I really miss that old thing, and I’ve been carrying around the broken bits for the past…month, I suppose, and if anything could fix a broken wand this would probably be it…

Hermione: Yo. Plot exposition. Clear some shit up, would you?

Harry: Okay, so you don’t necessarily get someone else’s wand by killing them and taking it. Some of these things are really fickle as hell, if you get disarmed then the wand’ll change allegiance to the person who disarmed it. Since Draco disarmed Dumbledore before threatening to kill him, it belonged to him, and then I ripped three different wands out of his hand that included his own, so frankly I think all three of those are mine now.

Ron: Including one of the Titles of the Movie?

Harry: The only one left, now, I dropped the Resurrection Stone in the middle of the Forest somewhere, and evidently we left the Cloak somewhere in the bowels of Gringotts. This is the Title of the Movie now, and yeah, it’s totally mine and stuff.

Ron: We could totally fix Hogwarts with that bitch.

Hermione: We?

Ron: That is the Elder Wand, the most powerful wand in the world. It could take years to make Hogwarts what she once was, this could speed up the process like whoa! Not to mention all the other good we could do with it, as long as we’ve got you as our moral compass so we don’t let it corrupt us, because I’m admitting to a slight weakness to its power right now and you’ve got a much better head on your shoulders than I could ever have.

Hermione: Marry me.

Harry: BREAKING IT.

Hermione: …Dude, at least fix your wand first, Draco might seek revenge on you one day if you keep his.

Harry: DON’T CARE, BREAKING IT.

Elder Wand: I’s broked.

Harry: *chucks them off the bridge. Hey, wouldn’t it be hysterical that, in his desperation to get rid of it, he threw too hard and overbalanced and fell off the bridge?*

Ron: …Thought you’d put it back in Dumbledore’s tomb once we’d finished Hogwarts or your wand or something.

Harry: The man plotted my death for five years, possibly longer. Fuck that guy. *goes back to near the middle of the bridge*

Hermione: That was…kind of wise, actually. IMMA STAND NEXT TO HARRY AND HOLD HIS HAND, FOR I AM HIS BESTEST FRIENDLY-FRIEND.

Ron: Well, while I am also his bestest friendly-friend, I am also your boyfriend, so I shall hold your hand instead.

Hermione: Whatever.

David Yates: Okay, guys, now just stare vaguely off into the distance and slowly close your eyes one by one as we fade to black. I AM THE BEST AT CLIMACTIC ENDINGS why do I suck so much, seriously.

Friendship Trio of Friendly Friendship Friends: FRENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL.

~Hey. Epilogue haters. Be grateful for it. Otherwise, the entire film series as well as our cherished childhood would’ve ended like this. Yeah, you like it a lot more now, dontcha.~

Review or you’ll defeat the most evil wizard of your age and will have lost so much along the way and be really exhausted and beat-up while doing it…and no one will believe you did it because there was no body and thus no proof that he won’t return again someday so no one will ever not live in fear in your world.


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from the book/movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, any other book, movie, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, or Raven Wolfmoon being freakier than usual one time.

~And the biggest cheer ever rises from my theater when the words “19 years later” appear on the screen.~

Big Ben: Hay gurl!

Albus: I EXIST! And apparently they got really lax with the pet rules for Hogwarts in the last nineteen years, since I’m clearly taking a ferret to school for some reason.

Soundtrack choice: *could not have been more perfect*

Theater: *floods with tears the second the first familiar note plays*

Movie watchers: …Really?

Book readers: WHY U NO UNDERSTAND. *wails*

Lily: …You know, I expected the daughter of Ginny Weasley to be more of a tomboy. Also I expected my parents to forbid any kind of pink in the house ever, considering all the crap they had to put up with Umbridge. Oh, but I’m a little girl, of course I have to wear pink. Fucking assholes…

James: Also girls can’t possibly stand on their own, which is why I have to push you around on this cart thing.

Lily: Hey, I am still tiny, I’m enjoying this while I can.

James: Hey Al, you seem nervous.

Albus: …I don’t wanna go to school.

James and Lily: HOLY SHIT A NORMAL CHILD WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN.

Muggles: Seriously, how come we never notice hundreds of families running into brick walls year after year.

Lily: …On second thought, I don’t wanna crash into a brick wall. Remember when Dad told us about second year? *gets off trunk carriage thing*

James: Oh come on, it’s not like the children of the…Man Who Lived? Would be prime targets of assassination attempts or anything. *runs through brick wall*

Albus: …I really don’t wanna go to school.

Lily: I am holding my mother’s hand. That is all little girls ever do.

Ginny: I’m thirty-seven! Damn I aged well, only my hair changed and I’m wearing “grown-up” clothes. THAT TOTALLY MEANS I’M AN OLD LADY.

Random Muggles: Whoa, check out that MILF!

Harry: So the first time they shot this, we looked to old. Now we don’t really look old enough. I could past for maybe early thirties, but not pushing forty. So, son, y’all ready for this?

Albus: I WANNA GO HOME.

Harry: You’ll go to boarding school and you’ll like it! *shoves him through brick wall*

Random Muggle woman on phone: I need to lay off the energy drinks, I could’ve sworn I just saw two people run through a brick wall out of the corner of my eye…

Harry, Ginny, Albus, and Lily: WE ARE NOW ON PLATFORM NINE AND THREE QUARTERS. FEAR US.

Scorpius: Aww, you can’t see my face…

Astoria: I’m sure hugging you will make up for it!

Scorpius: It really doesn’t…How am I blond, you have black hair and blond hair is a recessive gene.

Astoria: That’s nice, dear. *turns to her husband* You looked better with your beard the first time we shot this.

Draco: Yeah…OI, POTTER! GIMME MY WAND BACK!

Harry: No.

Draco: Curses, foiled again.

Ginny: Wait, where’s Teddy?

Harry: He tripped over the aborted Voldefetus, he’ll catch up to us after the credits start rolling, I’m sure.

Book readers: Damn it, we wanted to see Teddy Lupin all growed up!

Movie watchers: Again, who the fuck are we talking about?!

Book readers: …Fuck everything, we give up. *still desperately searching for any sign of Teddy in the background and therefore completely ignoring the actual Epilogue as it plays out…or was that just me*

Random girl: Seriously? Doves, now? Did they just lose the limit on what type of pets we can own entirely or what?

Gryffindor Quidditch team: …Why are we dressed in our Quidditch robes, it’s a freakin’ train ride.

Albus: Oh hey, a paper bird thing.

Lily: I WILL CHASE IT AND GET LOST IN THE CROWD.

Harry and Ginny: That’s nice, dear.

iheartmwpp’s mother person: *wouldn’t even let iheartmwpp take walks in her own pretty damn safe neighborhood till she was like sixteen*

iheartmwpp: *coming from that perspective* …These guys are horrible parents.

Hermione: I am putting your bag over your shoulder. DO YOU HAVE YOUR BAG WITH YOU?!

Rose: …No. Must’ve left it back at the house.

Hermione: I am zipping up your jumper for you. ARE YOU WEARING A JUMPER?!

Rose: Nope, I’m only wearing my knickers.

Ron: That’s my girl.

Hugo: I’m ungodly adorable.

Ron: And I’ve changed my hair and am wearing a fat suit. THAT MUST MEAN I’M OLD.

Hermione: My hair is up and I’m also wearing “grown-up” clothing. I AM CLEARLY ALMOST THIRTY-NINE.

Albus: *stops in his tracks* I’m not going and that’s that. Shit, shoelace…

Ginny: Talk to him.

Harry: *groans but goes back anyway* Here, let me tie your shoe for you.

Albus: …I’m eleven.

Harry: Which means it’s time for you to go to Hogwarts.

Albus: But I don’t wanna!

Harry: Why not?

Albus: Because even though nineteen years have passed, Slytherin still has the stigma of being the evil racist House and James has been teasing me all summer that I’ll be in the evil racist House and words can do a shitload of psychological damage and you never stopped him and besides the son of Harry Potter can’t be in the evil racist House, what’ll people think, why did you name me after some slimy Slytherin WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKED UP THAT CAN MAKE A CHILD?!

Harry: Albus Severus Potter. You were named after a guy who was plotting my death up until the end of his own life and a guy who wanted to bang your grandmother and never got over the fact that he couldn’t. Why on earth would that mess you up psychologically?

Albus: …I should seriously just snap my wand right now and go and live as a Muggle, I really should.

Harry: Look, Snape may have been a Slytherin, but for the sake of someone who was dead and would never be able to thank him, he stayed within Voldemort’s inner circle and spied for our side even though he might be found out and killed at any moment. That takes a special kind of balls I can’t even begin to fathom, by all rights he really should’ve been in Gryffindor.

Albus: Then why was he in Slytherin?

Harry: …’Cause he was kind of an evil racist…

Albus: Exactly, what if I get put there too?

Harry: Are you an evil racist?

Albus: …I don’t think so…

Harry: Well then. And even if you were, our conversations would become very strained in the future, but I don’t even care if you get sorted into useless old Hufflepuff and don’t amount to anything, you’ll always be my son and I’ll always love you, and hopefully after nineteen years I would’ve learned to deal with the press by now, so I’ll take care of it and you’ll never have to worry, okay?

Albus: …

Harry: …Okay, as the son of a Marauder to a grandson of a Marauder, rules don’t count, do whatever the hell you want.

Albus: And how do I do that?

Harry: Forget that Professor Longbottom tried to choose Hufflepuff and got put in Gryffindor, and remember that the Sorting Hat tried to put me in Slytherin and I chose not to go there.

Albus: …About that, all of the first years in your year and supposedly most subsequent years were completely unaware of the whole Sorting process; Uncle Ron thought you’d have to wrestle a troll or something. So are you just continuing to be the son of a Marauder and just told me regardless of the unwritten rule to keep us in suspense, or can James or possibly an older cousin or whatever Teddy qualifies as just not keep a secret?

Harry: Iunno, but apparently the train’s about to leave, you should probably get on that.

Albus: M’kay… *they get up and hug*

Harry: *singing softly* Now you get to go to Hogwarts/Now you get to go to school/Now you get to go to Hogwarts/I hope you find that swimming pool/Off to witches and wizards and magical beasts/To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts/The things that I love are the things that you’ll see/At Hogwarts, Hogwarts…Man, I’m glad you get to go.

Abus:…Dad?

Harry: Mm?

Albus: Is it okay if I don’t get all Os?

Harry: Well, while I’d prefer it if you got at least As or higher, I just don’t want to see any Ts, okay?

Albus: Done.

Harry: Good lad.

Albus: I AM NOW ON THE TRAIN and Uncle George’s shop is still going strong considering the random fireworks flying around. Hey, my brother and cousin are sitting here, can I sit here?

James: GTFO.

Rose: He’s kidding, Al, you can stay.

Two random girls: *are two girls who are random* Sausage in my pants/Makes me want to dance/Then I feel greasy and try to eat something cheesy/LIKE BROCCOLI!

James: *hastily* I don’t know them.

Rose: Why is there a chocolate frog on the window?

Albus: I don’t know. Let’s just all stare at it like we’ve never seen one before.

Rose: It jumped into my hand so it’s mine.

James: Can I have a leg?

Rose: IT’S MINE!

Hermione: Huh, you’d think I would’ve talked to them about sharing, though I suppose she is eleven…

Ron: Y-You covered that already, right?

Hermione: Oh yeah, she’s got several books on the subject and knows that she can ask me anything.

Ron: Oh thank Merlin.

Hugo: Covered what, Mum?

Hermione: U-Uh…

Ron: I’ll tell you before you go to Hogwarts, don’t worry.

Hugo: But—

Ron: Hogwarts age and that’s final.

Hugo: …Fine…

Harry: It’s not even the final scene yet and already this is feeling way more climactic than any of David Yates’ other three films combined. Maybe it’s the music…

Rose, James, and Albus: BYE MUM! BYE DAD! BY SIBLINGS! BYE OTHER RELATIVES!

iheartmwpp: I teared up at other parts while trying to take the piss out of it, but here I’m legit crying nowz. It’s the music, it’s definitely the music.

Final Shot Of The Trio of Ginny And Lily And Hugo Are Still There But No One Cares We Just Wanna Focus On The Trio of Finality: Look at the platform sign now back to us now look at the train now back to us. Now keep staring at us as the screen fades to black and HOLY CHRIST THE MUSIC IS FUCKING PERFECT.

Matthew Lewis: …I get David Thewlis and Gary Oldman getting top billing even if they only had like five lines between them, but James and Oliver Phelps?! They only had like two lines between them! I gave a stirring speech, practically got my own theme music, and beheaded a fucking Horcrux, why me no get top billing?! And people wonder why I’m like the only one who was ready to move on after this. *leaves in disgust*

Audience: *was far too busy bawling to notice the credits after it faded to black*

~See you on September 1, 2017 for the party at King’s Cross!~

Mischief Managed.


End file.
